Am I being awful? Or could I be worse?(3 Posts)
SIL had been part of our family for a long time but relationships have only ever been civil at best.
My SIL & DB have a DC. DC has very limited contact with our side of the family but not through our choice. From day one SIL has been very overbearing with DC and is very much a 'helicopter' parent. Her family has unlimited access to DC and, in my opinion, frequently trump my DB in terms of importance in the family hierarchy if you see what I mean. Now I have no issue with this personally. I have no time for DB or SIL therefore I was not expecting much when their DC was born. I used to always buy lovely gifts but they are not wanted so now it it book tokens etc. My family try very hard & are constantly rebuffed which I know upsets them greatly. If they ask for gift ideas, as all gifts have to be pre approved, then they are told to buy DC socks. We joke that there is a cupboard in which anything our family buy DC is put. Our family have very limited contact with DC & do not have the privilege of say, taking the DC to the park for example however other family can take DC on holiday. Again I don't personally feel aggrieved by this, that is their choice to be like this.
In addition to this my DB & I have no real contact due to several things he has done in the past to me & my husband which I find unforgivable. SIL & DB also have swindled us in the past which clouds my judgement of them somewhat.
Now here is my AIBU. I have recently had my own DC and SIL now always wants to meet up to 'catch up'. Now in over 20 years we have barely had a conversation so I know these meetings would only be for SIL to have access to DC. I have let SIL take DC out once because my Mum said I should be nice. The whole time DC was with her I felt terrible. And I am not a helicopter parent. DC is not an easy baby & I take help from almost anyone. SIL contacts me regularly asking to meet up & most recently asked if she could have DC to help me out (despite me never asking her for any help). I declined & explained that we don't like DC to go out without us. This is true when it comes to her but DC goes with other family members all the time, as I said I am not a helicopter parent & for me I like knowing DC gets to know their families. When she has seen DC without me there, she picks DC up and is a total fanny with DC. She also criticises my parenting skills, despite not knowing full history. I.e. I hold DC too much but DC suffers from GERD as an example.
So AIBU to tell SIL to go away & explain that as we are not, and were not, allowed to be part of their DC's life, only in passing, then it is the same the other way around. I don't want to use my DC as a pawn in this but I want to set a clear boundary between us. As a family I am aware they will see my DC at all family occasions but I don't want to facilitate any further contact. How do you politely tell someone to back off, or AIBU in wanting to do this?
YANBU, if you don't think she respects your parenting choices then she doesn't get to look after your child.
You don't have to explain yourself, just say 'I don't need your help tha is' or 'we have plans' or just a simple 'no' is fine. Be breezy but dismissive.
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