To not go to sil's 40th birthday meal (and possibly cause ww3) because of ds.

[PeppaJetta]

I won't go into a huge back story here but myself and sil have had a few run in's.

If you are interested I posted under the username of Slicedanddiced about one of the huge ones (EPIC rant starting sil and 'd'p).

Anyway we have been invited to sil's birthday meal on Saturday.

Mil told us the details and invited us a couple of days ago. Very expensive restaurant that we can't afford, quite upmarket and later on at night.

Now everyone I the family knows that babysitters or changing our routines aren't really an option for us. Dd3 is autistic and becomes extremely challenging with a change of scenery/routine.

Also ds, 17 weeks, is breastfed. He won't take a bottle of expressed milk (dear god I've tried 😄)

So we have declined. Haven't heard from sil but mil has called up to say how upset sil is.

I can understand her wanting her brother the there. I suggested he go in his own but he didn't want to.

Aibu in any way because judging by the shitstirms we've had before (see thread mentioned above) I know this decision is going to be blamed solely on me.

And I'd just like to check if Aibu or not before the shit shower commences.

[TheNaze73]

YANBU at all.

You've offered it out for your DP to go alone. Don't see what else you can do. Think it's bad of mil to come in & fight her battles

[MrsHathaway]

Of course YANBU (at least) three times over.

1. Unsuitable for DD3
   
2. Unsuitable for DS
   
3. Unaffordable
   

And that's before you consider

1. Previously not getting on.
   

I'd consider putting more pressure on DP to go, if you think he'll push the blame on to you. If that's his decision then fine but he needs to own it and not pretend you wouldn't let him.

[PinkyofPie]

YA absolutely NBU. It's your DH's problem, his sister and he's refused to go on his own.

[heavenlypink]

YANBU - I've declined several family (DP) gatherings because they are jumped up assholes who have behaved badly towards me in the past and all now seem to be suffering from amnesia. Like you I have always said to DP he can/should go but he has declined their invitations too

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

YANBU. Though you shouldn't have to take the blame. Is it MIL/SIL assuming you're the one to blame or does your DH blame unpopular decisions on you? If the latter, I'd just drop him in it next time she mentions it. Yes, I'm sorry I can't make it. I did suggest to X that he went alone, but he didn't want to.

[Aeroflotgirl]

My god no you are not, what a self entitled little madame she sounds. You have so many good reasons not to go, she does not sound particularly nice to boot anyway.

[InternationalHouseofToast]

This is not unreasonable behaviour by you, and is not your shit to deal with.

You have a DS with a disability meaning no childcare. You have a small baby who won't bottle feed (I've had one of those as well, fun aren't they?)

Your DH has chosen not to go to a meal for his DSis when he could have gone alone. That is the only issue to discuss and that's between him and his sister. Your MIL can keep her beak out unless it was her who suggested the time of the meal starting which is too late in the day.

[DeathStare]

I've not read your previous thread so I migth not have got the whole jist. But on what you've said today I think you are not being unreasonable not going. If you can't leave your DD then one of you can't go, and if your DS is bf then it makes sense that that one is you.

However I think your DH is being unreasonable not going. It's his sister's birthday and he should just suck it up.

To be honest if he continued to refuse to go I'd drop him in it and make it clear to MIL that you have encouraged him to go and suggest that she speaks to him directly.

[JustHappy3]

I sympathise but even despite all the aggro did you
A) decline directly to sil? (Know she got mil to invite you but that's not the point)
B) express some form of regret - your "everyone knows we can't get babysitters" comment suggests you were exasperated and it may have showed
C) Announced you'd encourage dh to go on his own - cos it sounds like he's happy for you to take the flak.
Really he could have got in touch with his own sister and thanked her for invite. Fact he hasn't shows he has no real excuse. It's pricey but turning 40 is a big deal. So i don't blame her for being annoyed but she shouldn't be cross at you.

[PeppaJetta]

Ah good, thank you!

I wanted to mumsnet check it first

There has been that much drama over the years I lose sight of what's acceptable!

[Xmasbaby11]

Why won't dp go?

Yanbu. At all.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

yanbu

[PeteAndManu]

Maybe as its short notice and unsuitable for you she isn't that bothered about you going but can have great fun blaming you. Win win for her.

I have a similar 'relationship' with my SIL Most of the time it's ok but if something happens that she doesn't like or approve of its my fault. It's not DH putting the blame on me she just does it automatically. It's actually quite liberating now realising it.

[LellyMcKelly]

Are you sure she's that upset? If you don't get on she probably doesn't mind at all - it's more likely that MIL is hacked off. Either way, not your problem. You don't need to give a reason.

[Cocolepew]

Yanbu, neither is DH. Nobody has to go to a birthday meal whether it's family or not.

[diddl]

Don't know the backstory, but does he not get on with his sister then?

Or isn't it affordable for just him?

I was thinking that he needs to do his own "dirty work" in future, but chanes are the'll still think that you're behind it!

[FallenStar3]

YANBU, my DB got engaged to his new GF weeks following the birth of my DD. My DH was at work but my presence was required even though I had an older child who was 5, and a newborn baby who I was breastfeeding, I was not impressed.

[flowery]

YANBU not to go. You have excellent reasons. But your DH IBU not to go just because he 'doesn't want to'. Sometimes you have to suck it up and go to family celebrations even if they are not your cup of tea.

[Anonymouses]

YADNBU

You have no childcare
It's not practical for the kids
It's not fair on the kids
It's not affordable

They are all your good reasons why you can't go. If anyone botches at you simply state "I cannot go because of the kids but DH is welcome to go without me." Then let them take it up with him.

He is also fully entitled to say no but you should not be blamed for his refusal.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Nah of course not. Your DP might be though. Is there any reason he can't/won't go on his own?

[EweAreHere]

YANBU.

DH is NBU.

It's an invitation, not a command performance for both of you.
You can't afford it. It doesn't work for your children. And you don't want to. But you only have to say 'Sorry, we can't.' It's all that is required, even if it is extended family. Extended family doesn't mean you have to arrange your life to suit their needs; yours comes first.

[DailyMailPenisPieces]

YANBU - also stupidly short notice, as well as the other points raised.

[RedToothBrush]

It's his sister's birthday and he should just suck it up.

Why? Why should he. Seriously. Yes its his sisters birthday. I don't get why it is compulsory to attend family events. Even one meal to cover can be expensive. He still has a young baby and a child with autism which can't be easy for the OP to deal with on her own - even if its for one night.

Why is it so offensive not to attend? I don't get it.

Family is about all the time and understanding the challenges that other members have, not being a demanding brat that still insists that love can only be shown and measured through being the centre of attention at a party.

If the OP's DH doesn't want to go then I would suggest that either he has loyalty to his wife or that his relationship with his sister is dysfunctional in some way. 'Sucking it up' is not necessarily the way to go, as that allows and enables some people to continue to go about behaving in a manner that is unacceptable to 'keep the peace' rather than challenging that behaviour and giving the offender the kick up the arse that they right deserve. Sometimes letting someone have a massive strop and sulk like a child, makes others realise what a tool they are and shows that you are not going to tolerant that yourself.

[drinkingtea]

Lelly is probably onto something.

My mum does this - she likes to try to manufacture extended family closeness on her terms and is happy to emotionally blackmail on other people's behalf with comments like "your sister will be so upset if you don't" and "I know your neice is really looking forward to ..." "I know your BIL appreciates it when" - its all bollocks most of the time, it's her who wants massive family gatherings with every ladt member present, who wants people who barely know each other to phone each other or socialuse together for some inexplicable reason, who wants to be the go between to make things happen that none of the other parties involved are bothered about...

I have no idea why she does it - it extends outdide the family too, trying to make family members do favours for or ask favours of her friends or neighbors or her postman's cousin's neighbor's cat's previous owner ... when the favour isn't even wanted in the first place!

Puppet master complex is a good name for it :o My mum has always done it but got a lot worse after taking early retirement and needing to occupy her brain and exert control over family, having retired from a job that came with a certain amount of power and influence I think!