AIBU about family birthday plans!!

(21 Posts)
Pgrant1981 Mon 15-Aug-16 08:53:52

So I am the youngest of three sisters and there is a bit of an age gap between me and then. They all still live in the village we grew up in and I've moved away to a large city c30 miles away. It's my husbands 40th and my dads 70th within days of each other next month. I mentioned to both my mum and middles sister that I wanted to do something for DH birthday. We've had a horrid time of it of late - our little one has been constantly unwell since last year, holiday disaster and one of his bf wife has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He has said he didn't feel like celebrating so I thought I would organise something low key. I asked my inlaws if we could host. Surprise BBQ at theirs - they have a fab big garden. I asked both my middle sister and mum what the plan was for Dads bd and was told nothing as there has been a lot on of late. My eldest sister has just sent out a group message on FB to my extended family saying party at hers on same day I'm organising DH BBQ!! She will have discussed this with my mum and Other sister but clearly ignoring any plans I have!! I'm so mad!! It always has to be done their way and I'm just expected to go along with it! So angry! I just messaged the whole group on FB saying
Sorry we won't make it either. DH is doing total warrior to celebrate his 40th and we are hoping to have a (surprise) bday bbq later on that day! Middle sister messaged me straight away saying are you having something for DH and I said yes I told you and mum I was looking into it as you said nothing big planned for my dads and she said you said you were thinking about organising. Obviously you didn't mention it to biggest sister and she has just thought about organising something for dad?
So rather than ask me she just goes ahead and organised something!! I am just lost for words with my family right now!! Am I being to sensitive to it all?? Please I need an outsiders opinion!!

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 15-Aug-16 08:58:21

I told you and mum I was looking into it suggests you hadn't actually made any plans yet.

If there was nothing definite then, yes, it's annoying, but nobody has done anything wrong.

davos Mon 15-Aug-16 08:59:52

It sounds like just one of those things.

Eldest sister who you haven't spoken to decides to do something with no clue you were doing anything.

You didn't mention concrete plans anyway.

A bit annoying but just one of those things.

Wardie2016 Mon 15-Aug-16 09:23:03

Yeah I get that I said I was looking into it but I said date, venue etc - was just waiting on FIL discussing with MIL when she returned from hols. Just annoyed that rather than my sister thinking oh it's her hubby bday too that weekend? Any plans? She just cracks on and invites aunts, uncles, cousins to hers for a thing for my dad?

Discobabe Mon 15-Aug-16 09:26:38

It sounds as though you haven't confirmed any dates with the "hoping to have a bbq" and "looking into it".

I agree with davos.

Diglet Mon 15-Aug-16 09:30:56

Sounds like your plans weren't firm enough

JennyHolzersGhost Mon 15-Aug-16 09:31:06

Why not just do a tinkly little laugh and grit your teeth and suggest combining the plans into one party for both?

ConformationFart Mon 15-Aug-16 09:34:26

If your DH said he didn't feel like celebrating why are you going ahead and planning something in celebration?

Wardie2016 Mon 15-Aug-16 09:38:57

Date and venue were confirmed just not actual start time/food etc. I just don't get why my oldest sister didn't think to ask? I asked re plans for my dad and was told nothing planned?? They won't combine something as they would have to drive and wouldn't be able to have a drink and if we went to their hubby would have to drive and no option of staying over as not enough space and we are the only ones with a young family - doesn't really fit in with their idea of a party! Being told I should change date now to weekend before but DH training for endurance event the morning of his bday so not drinking/partying before then!!

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Aug-16 09:44:10

so glad i'm an only child and don't have all this hassle smile.

Wardie2016 Mon 15-Aug-16 09:59:27

ConformationFart
I'm organising something as I know he will appreciate it and 40 is a reason to celebrate after the rubbish year we've had - though a low key BBQ with family and friends was the best way to go

davos Mon 15-Aug-16 10:05:41

Hmm not so sure.

I have had a shocking year. If I didn't want to celebrate my birthday and then dh organised a surprise I would be pretty pissed off.

Surely he knew he was 40 when he said no. It's only something to celebrate if you want to celebrate it.

HeCantBeSerious Mon 15-Aug-16 10:24:49

NC fail, OP. wink

Wardie2016 Mon 15-Aug-16 10:31:18

What does Nc fail Op mean? Not up with all the lingo 😀

Wardie2016 Mon 15-Aug-16 10:32:17

He didn't say no he said don't worry about my bday boo, no big deal! Like when a woman says it's fine and that's not what we really mean 😂😂

HeCantBeSerious Mon 15-Aug-16 10:36:11

You used a different name to start the post than you're using now. Name Change fail.

davos Mon 15-Aug-16 10:38:27

Ah so you think he wants one really.

I hope you are right.

When I say fine, I actually mean fine. So maybe it's lost on me. grin

ConformationFart Mon 15-Aug-16 10:43:51

And now you've inadvertently made a big deal out of itwink

Not all of us do the stereotypical 'fine' thing!

I'd give him what he asked for tbh.

Jenny70 Mon 15-Aug-16 10:56:52

YANBU.
Leaving aside the conversation with Mum and Sister, why has big sister not even spoken to YOU about plans for your Dad's bday? Surely as a courtesy you'd check that all siblings agree/are free before launching an invitation - especially since it's your DH birthday weekend (and a significant birthday), so more than likely you WOULD have plans of some sort - even if not booked etc.

Even if your tentative plan was to whisk DH away somewhere romantic for the weekend (which obviously doesn't involve them), it would mean you'd miss your own Dad's party or have to make changes to accommodate her.

I'd be messaging organising sister to say it's pretty rude to organise something for your dad without consulting at least his own children (ie.you and your other sister) to see it was suitable. Which it's not.

I'd be organising a nice dinner with friends and not bother with the family celebration at all for your DH (or your Dad come to think of it). Say to your Dad that you would have loved to be there, but you weren't involved in organisation and it clashed with DH birthday plans and you were upset not to be able to come.

Wardie2016 Mon 15-Aug-16 11:07:31

That's exactly how I feel Jenny70. It's my dads bday too and that's why I asked re plans. I'm annoyed at my eldest sister for just cracking on with plans for our dad. It's pretty typical - I get told we are doing this here (in one of their homes) you just have to go along with the plans! Regardless of us having to travel, deal with three small children etc. No flexibility at all 😩

CheshireDing Mon 15-Aug-16 11:21:21

Are you SURE he really wants a get together ? grin

DH and I have just had our 40's (last month and this weekend). I did nothing for mine last month and would have been naffed off if DH had arranged a bbq with friends, family etc. DH didn't want to do anything this weekend and his Parents and Brother all took it upon themselves to arrange a fancy meal at a restaurant, DH didn't really want it as we have 3 small children, he just wanted to stay home with them in the garden but people were not listening to him ! He said Saturday evening the meal had been okay but a bit stressful and he would have preferred it didn't happen.

Just putting the thought out there op grin Maybe a takeaway with just you and he instead ?

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