AIBU I'm super needy I know

(21 Posts)
MoonStar07 Sun 14-Aug-16 18:52:47

So I read an article (can't find it anywhere) about friendship and perception. And how 50% of friendships are not perceived the same. Ie I think of a bestie and well that person doesn't see me as a bestie. I have some good friends I know. But those friends well seem to have better friends than me. Ie I'm never the bridesmaid friend. I'll make lots of effort for friends but I'm not like their number 1. I know I'm being needy but AIBU that one of these friends might consider me as a bestie? I really need people and friends around me. I don't cope well without company. I'm a very sociable person. I just feel sad that well my friends I have don't feel like I'm their best friend. Gosh reading this has made me sound like I'm back on the school playground. So childish! I guess I want a best friend ! hmm

Mosseywossey Sun 14-Aug-16 19:05:56

Honestly I am the same! I think some people just need someone they know is there for them, someone to share things with and have a bond with. I get down a lot about what I thought where really close friends not actually being close friend just friends. But many people one get one or two of them in a life time so it takes time I guess

SlightlyperturbedOwl Sun 14-Aug-16 19:09:12

I'm the same too, but have developed over the years a couple of exceedingly long-standing friendships that have outlasted those friends 'bestie' friendships with others. I see myself as the low-maintenance, low-pressure friend smile

MoonStar07 Sun 14-Aug-16 19:09:12

Glad I'm not alone. I felt so silly to feel like this I was speaking to DH he's the opposite of me is content in his own company or with us. I see lots of lovely groups of friends and I see couple with other close couple friends and think why aren't we like that. I know it doesn't bother him. My bestie so to speak has other besties who are closer besties. Much closer. I know that. I feel silly. Such a first world problem

Vickyyyy Sun 14-Aug-16 19:20:54

YANBU, as you said you are just a needy person, nothing wrong with that.

I cannot imagine getting worked up by things like this..I have friends..I don't have a 'best' friend and wouldn't really give a crap if I wasn't considered anyones best friend either. Sometimes I wish I cared more tbh..but I don't :/

CaptainCrunch Sun 14-Aug-16 19:29:12

I've never had a "best" friend and have never wanted one. I've been very lucky to have several (usually around 8 or 9) exceptionally good people in my life who are always there for me, through thick and thin.

The "best" friend thing is a bit immature imo. I think it also leads to jealousy and possessive behaviours when one friend branches out a bit more than the other or doesn't invite the perceived "bestie" to something over another friend.

Much better to have a group of people you care about that care about you OP.

MoonStar07 Sun 14-Aug-16 19:43:58

I deffo have a group of people. But I guess never the bridesmaid ? I have some very good friends. But just wish j not so needy. It's not healthy at all

Waltermittythesequel Sun 14-Aug-16 19:50:07

I'm not sure I could be best friends with someone who says bestie wink

Seriously though, I need low maintenance friends because I'm not terribly sociable so my best friends don't put pressure on me. Are you maybe a tiny bit full on?

MoonStar07 Sun 14-Aug-16 19:58:41

Yeah maybe I am. Personality disorder lol

FaithAscending Sun 14-Aug-16 20:10:04

I saw that on Facebook: it is this link?

I'm the same. I have only been a bridesmaid for my sister. I chose to only have family as bridesmaids (sister, cousin, SILs) because it minimised awkwardness later. I have several 'friends' who if I bump into its all Let's meet for coffee but they don't contact me, if I contact them they either won't commit to a date or cancel on me! I've given up on people like that but it takes me forever to take a hint blush Maybe because I have Asperger's? People aren't blunt enough to say they just don't want to, but I wonder why they bother even saying we should catch up if they don't want to? I have concluded there are some people who value my time and they are the ones I prioritise.

Dorris83 Sun 14-Aug-16 20:32:49

I feel like this, I used to have a best friend when I was younger but she's a social butterfly and we aren't anymore. I don't think I'm as important to her as she is to me. i am mostly quite mellow about it though, although that may come from lowering my expectations due to being let down a few times...

SlightlyperturbedOwl Sun 14-Aug-16 21:00:40

faith don't over-interpret either. Sometimes it's hard just to fit in the things that have to be done, though I think you are right about the prioritisation issue. I have become good at being a 'ship in the night' and enjoying it while it lasts but letting go easily when it no longer suits them. My DH thinks men are better at this than women on the whole, he has loads of friends but honestly wouldn't see them from one year to the next if they weren't doing the same sports together.

Hobbes8 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:10:35

That study has a very negative interpretation. If half of the people you think are your friends don't see you as a friend, then surely you have a whole bunch of people you don't see as friends who think of you as their friend. Therefore you have the same number of friends as you originally thought, they're just not who you thought they were.

OP - maybe you have a secret bestie?

MoonStar07 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:44:15

Or maybe I need to focus on different people? I also lose people that I start off well wirh I run out of time to establish friendships too. So busy with kids and family etc. I miss some of my good school friends we don't see each other for 2-3 years and when we do it's like nothing has changed

Waltermittythesequel Sun 14-Aug-16 21:57:01

With the greatest of respect, I think you would benefit more from trying not to care as much.

If you're happy to spend time alone, then time with friends will be fun, relaxing and enjoyable.

If you need them then you will constantly feel disappointed.

MoonStar07 Sun 14-Aug-16 22:06:05

Thanks really wise words

Waltermittythesequel Sun 14-Aug-16 22:11:18

flowers

felineways Sun 14-Aug-16 22:28:45

Oh Moon I do know how you feel, I m currently licking my wounds after discovering a close friend no longer sees me that way. I m coming to the conclusion that most friendships last for an age or stage.

My social life seems to have highs of wonderful companionship followed by life changes (for me or them) and periods of deep loneliness. Need to keep things lighter and give things more time before over investing.

I struggle a lot with the lonely periods it trigger depression and takes me a longtime to settle down. I tend to hold onto slightly unhealthy friendships to avoid the horror of being lonely. Being honest with myself I tend attract people who enjoy having an intense new best friend every year or so and I get really hurt when it ends.

Time to learn to be more comfortable with my own company and relax a bit. If I'm honest is rather have a handful of friends who I see regality but don't live in the pocket of. I'm rubbish at large group dynamics and it always ends badly but just like school girl me, I long to figure it out and belong in happy group of female friends. sad

I'm starting to worry a lot about how help my child learn to have healthy friendships... I feel clueless

MoonStar07 Sun 14-Aug-16 23:44:14

Feel like I've possibly opened a can of worms for a lot of people. In often over invest the it doesn't work. Or people distance themselves or perhaps I never get the right balance. I figure I'll just let my kids work it out for themselves.

Smurfit Sun 14-Aug-16 23:52:39

I think it's normal for your bestie to have other besties. I have more than one (but am lucky to have many sisters so no awkward bridesmaid conversations).

I also wouldn't read too much into it. They may be closer to someone else but that doesn't mean your friendship and effort isn't highly valued. If you genuinely feel undervalued though then perhaps it's time to reassess the individual friendship.

Just keep being yourself. You sound like a lovely person.

i8sum314 Sun 14-Aug-16 23:55:16

i identify. i've never been the bridesmaid friend either. NEVER

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