AIBU to think male colegue was over friendly?(4 Posts)
On a recent work night out I was sat next to a much older male collegue. (I noticed that when I arrived he moved seats to sit next to me) We had pleasant conversation and an enjoyable evening. He is always a tactile person and will often touch you whilst talking to you at work however as the evening went on I noticed that he was touching me a lot on both my arm and my leg and putting his arm round me for photos, selfies etc. He appeared to be equally attentive of the collegue sat on his otherside, who commented on it at one point when he was at the bar. I put it down to him being a tactile person and just friendliness. He then asked me to drive him home, our earlier conversation had already established that I would be going in the same direction so I didn't feel I could refuse without being rude. When we got to my car he started telling me I was beautiful and how much he was enjoying getting to know me better. I felt very uncomfortable at this point but couldn't think of a good response in the moment other than to thank him for the compliment. When we reached his house he reached over, gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek before getting out the car. I felt quite uncomfortable with this level of friendliness, I've not worked with him since or had any oppotunity to speak to him. He knew I am married as I'd talked about my husband earlier in the evening, and although he didn't mention his wife he knows I have met her in the past. I have discussed his behaviour with 2 other collegues, one who agrees he was being over friendly and would also have felt uncofortable, another who feels he is just a friendly tactile person who's had too much to drink and come across in a way he wasn't intending and I've got the wrong end of the stick. I've worked with him for a number of years and always liked him (in a purely proffesional sense) and prior to this incident would have probably agreed with the second collegue if someone had told me something similar.
I no longer feel unconfortable at the prospect of working with him again in the future and have rehersed how I would deal with any future situations where I felt uncomfortable. I'm just interested to see if people feel that he wad acting in an over friendly way or I've just misread things and over reacted.
I think the official advice is to consult your HR about the situation. Technically all that happened in a social context, however it impacts on your working envt.
Personally I like to think I would have told him at the time that he was overstepping my comfort zone boundaries; but if I had a weak moment then I would take him to coffee at next opportunity to have a frank discussion about things that made me uncomfortable, and I would form a very strong resolve to slap boundaries back at him in future at slightest provocation.
Hmm...it does sound as if he was OTT but it's impossible to 'know' really.
When I started my new job about 2 years ago, I was convinced the guy training me fancied me. Much the same kind of thing as you've described but over the space of a few weeks...very, very friendly and touchy, used to give me compliments, lots of eye contact...all the signs. He knew I was married and I knew he had a partner and a child although he didn't talk about them too much.
I was getting to the point where I was actually psyching myself to tell him to back off and remind him that I was married...then we went on a team night out and he introduced me to his husband. I've never felt such a tit in all my life and i'm just so grateful that i'm such a wuss I never got around to telling him I wasn't interested
Iljkk one of the collegues Ive talked to (the one that agreed he was over friendly) is my manager and although our discussion was informal I know I have her support if it becomes a problem at work.
I also would have liked to think I would have delt with it at the time, I'm a confident proffesional woman for goodness sake, but in the event all appropriate ways of dealing with things left my head and I just sat there in shock wandering if I was imagining things!
I had decided to speak to him about the evening but its now a few weeks down the line and I've not bumped into him yet and wimped out of seeking him out I don't feel I know him well enough to invite him for a coffee. Anyway I have decided to let it go ad a one off, but if there are any futhur incidents in or out of work I will deal with it then and make sure he knows where we both stand.
somedaybaby, yes thats why I've wimped out so far as it's possible I've got completely the wrong end of the stick. I'm hoping that his coments were ment in a purely fatherly way, though I think I may be fooling myself there!
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