Namechanged.
I'm in my late 20s, no children, currently single. My ex was an alcoholic and coke addict, EA and SA.
He was so bad with coke that I never thought I had a problem myself. He was always the one wanting one more gram, one more line. I'd give him my last bit and convince myself that I was in control.
Obviously that was bullshit, and I realised it the other night. I was out with some people I don't even like very much and one of them had coke. I did a bump and, as I was drunk, spent the rest of the night absolutely obsessed with getting more. I let a stranger borrow my phone to call his dealer at one point, he could have stolen it. Luckily the dealer didn't come through. I suddenly sobered up from the alcohol, had a flash of "what the fuck are you doing?" and walked home.
My ex used to binge on 2grams or so at a time and I'd probably do 1, my use was massive from the outset. It never crept up, I always tried to keep pace with him. We did it every few months but in such big quantities, and the stuff he got was higher quality than anything else I've been exposed to.
If I see someone on TV snorting any kind of powder, I feel an urge to get some, like being starving hungry (craving?) and have to distract myself until the urge subsides.
So my question is, will this ever go away? Am I stuck with it? I'm supposed to be intelligent and the fact that I've willingly reprogrammed my brain to crave this disgusting, unethical drug, shipped across the world in the bellies of exploited women, a drug that funds gangs that behead people and leave their bodies in the street... well it's repulsive.
I'm not going to pity myself because it's not about that. I will fight this urge to the death. But I wondered if anyone else has come through it and found it easier over time?
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AIBU?
AIBU to ask if you've experience of cocaine addiction?
4 replies
bettyswalls · 14/08/2016 13:39
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