Going 'no contact'

(3 Posts)
PineappleToast Sun 14-Aug-16 11:09:21

I've name-changed for this, as a) it's a sensitive subject and b) very identifying.

Back-story: My DM have always had an odd relationship, and I have my suspicions that she has narcissistic personality disorder. We're also about as different as it's possible to be.

It's her birthday today, and I completely forgot. I felt awful about this when I realised it was too late - it's too far to pop down for a visit, and I've put a card and present in the post.

This morning, I've had an email from her saying "you really don't care do you? I realise how little I mean". This was at 9; I was planning on calling the afternoon.

So as not to drip-feed, this is a woman who:
a) Covered-up a sexual assault whilst on holiday (not rape, but still traumatising - I was 10), and provided zero support afterwards.
b) Attempted to blackmail me away from moving to London post-Uni ("your Nan will die with worry if you move").
c) Didn't ask me how I was during pregnancy, and doesn't ask how DGS is now - he was sick whilst on FaceTime last week, and she hasn't been in contact to check he's okay.
d) Threw a massive strop about my wedding being in a 'pub' (a naice pub though wink) and then demanded that I spend the evening before my wedding cooking a large family meal (they had to travel) for everyone.

My argument would be that she doesn't seem to have any care or consideration for me... I'd also like to point out that I call her twice a week for a chat. In the seven years since I left home, she has never called me for a chat.

AIBU to cut contact? It feels like the final straw - a complete lack of recognition for how she's behaved. I know it's not an eye for an eye situation, but I'm astounded by the message.

Or should I just suck it up, send an extra large bouquet, and see if the past can be overwritten?

Thanks for getting this far. It's been very cathartic (for me, at least).

kinloss Sun 14-Aug-16 11:13:56

I'd not reply, knowing that the card and present will arrive.

I keep contact with my own mother fairly minimal - sort of surface and mechanical, if that makes sense.

Birthdays. Xmases. She's quite old so I see her every few months, and also kept in touch more regularly when my daughter was small. She's a better grandmother than a mother.

I feel obliged to ensure that she is not struggling with any major difficulties now that she is really old.

It seems preferable to the drama of no contact at all.

Other people here will 'oh cut all contact.' It's a very personal decision, and nobody else can tell you what will work for you.

Sorry, that you've had such a bad time.

Arfarfanarf Sun 14-Aug-16 12:12:06

can I ask why you want to overwrite the past?

It seems like very very horrendous stuff. Why do you want to keep her in your life?

I just mean flip it round, instead of reasons why you should go nc, thinking about is it enough to stop contacting her - what if you asked yourself what are the reasons you want her in your life, need her in your life, value her, enjoy her, like her...

Because I'm guessing you'd struggle.

And isn't that your answer?

When someone brings nothing but horrible memories, stress and struggle to your life, is there a reason for them to be in it?

Guilt isn't a reason. Someone who is supposed to have been the person to love you unconditionally and protect and nurture you should be held to higher standards, not given a pass to treat you worse than you'd ever allow a stranger to treat you.

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