AIBU to wonder wtf after sons brain surgery?(9 Posts)
Sons brain surgery turned me into a loon and my "friends" ditched me aibu to still be sad 9 months on?
I recognise that my behaviour leading up to my DS1 surgery last year, 15 hour operation to stop seizures, was fairly unpredictable; happy, sad, wingy etc. But I would have hoped my "friends" would understand. After surgery I found out I was pregnant which magnified my hormones and increased our daily drama.
I was in a group of 8 mums who met regularly and one by one they started turning on me, making out that I had somehow upset them and/just stopped talking to me. They all followed the same pattern.
As a direct result I started having panic attacks and feeling very paranoid. I removed said "friends" off social media cause I could cope with not knowing what I had done and feeling totally ostracised.
There is about a ton more detail but from what I can understand I really didn't feel like I have done anything to warrant being totally ignored and abused via text message.
I am so not over it and it's affecting me lots coming up to the anniversary of surgery and our DS2 arrival. DD still talks about one of the children she used to play with and it breaks my heart.
I'm sorry to hear you have been through a tough time OP that sounds awful and I really hope youre son is doing ok now? It's a sad fact of life unfortunately that when the chips are down you will often find out who your true friends are and these women clearly aren't. Do you have many other close friends who you have known longer? Or close family members?
When you are going through something very stressful and difficult to cope with you will obviously change your behaviour, become more distant or scatty and probably need more support than ever before. Some people just cannot handle this and it seems as though this group are very much fairweather friends. It's difficult but it is probably best to try and move on and meet some new people, as you need to know your friends are there for you even when it is shitty
YANBU. I was a total mess when my son was heading for his IBD diagnosis, our GP thought he had bowel cancer. The worry you feel for a sick child is so intense, and you have to be strong for them so they don't see you freak out.
I used to randomly go quiet or talk about my worries too much, once I had to run to the loos to cry during an aerobics class. Thankfully my friends weren't arseholes and were very understanding. I'm so sorry you aren't so lucky.
I hope you find better friends and that your Ds is in good health. Congratulations on your new baby.
Did you ask them what you had done to cause a drift (real or imagined)
Could it be that you simply hadn't known these people long enough and had enough shared history to withstand the demands made of them whilst all this was going on? That doesn't necessarily mean they've been terrible although you allude to nasty texts which isn't acceptable.
If you want to try again I would text one or two of the group you were closest to and say how you miss them and sorry if you were a little tricky during that awful time. If you can't get past it I say move on and use your new opportunities with DD and DS2 to create new friends.
Hope you feel better soon and also that the surgery was successful.
Oh what an awful thing for you and your boy to go through. I hope he is recovering well. One of my oldest, closest friends has a daughter who had to have open heart surgery as a baby. She is healthy and happy (and gorgeous and wonderful!) but my lovely friend had a really tough time of it and I can well imagine that superficial "friends" would have struggled to deal with her ups and downs and guilt and mood swings and frankly at times irrational anger. It's just really hard on the family and the friends have to be there to listen to the ranting, tears, worry, guilt etc etc. Maybe they are feeling relieved it's not their kid and taking it out on you because it makes them feel shitty. Maybe they don't want to think about bad things happening to small children because it scares them. Either way, it's really not your fault.
Any chance or interest in rebuilding bridges? accept that although you were going through an incredibly tough time, sometimes others don't have the sticking power when they're feeling 'got at' or messed around or whatever, but if you're feeling more level now, you might want to try to start over?
Thank you for your messages. I know my behaviour wasn't easy, but thought that we were stronger than that.
I mentioned that there were some further details so here is a bit more:
We were in a group, mostly FB chat and regular meet ups.
2 not really my friends but part of group.
1 I still see
1 stopped talking to me after her husband told me to watch my son (7wks post op) more closely as he spiller water on the floor
1 having agreed to host joint bday for our boys and I couldn't attend (panic attacks) but hubs went with agreed stuff ignored me the next day and messaged to say 'she had to think about what happened'
1 our girls had a little fight I lost sleep worrying and messaged to sort a resolution and she said we should have some space
1 having not made firm plans and I messaged to rearrange following further surgery and me being in hospital replied late in Mother's Day to say she would pass on meeting again because I cancelled twice and she was left with an utterly disappointed child
1 said she hadn't been in touch cause she couldn't deal with what was happening as it could have been on of her boys
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