To just want to escape

[Lostandlosingit]

Early 30's, long term relationship, no DC, well paid but soul destroying job, comfortable home life, everything nice and seemingly well. Oh and suffering third severe depressive episode in as many years. Previous episodes somewhat treated with ADs but clearly relapse is reoccurring.

Don't know if my mood is just causing my desire to escape but that's what I want to do. I don't care about any of it anymore. Just want to feel free and happy.

Can't figure out if it's the condition making me feel this way or if I seriously need to make big changes to stop this happening.

I miss me, that comforting feeling you have in yourself that no matter what, everything will be ok.

Nothing feels right anymore and I keep thinking this is my last chance to just make an escape and start over.

Anyone else made a drastic change like walking away from relationship and job etc to find happiness and escape inner torment?

Surely if I was on the right life path I wouldn't feel this way?

[minipie]

Ah my sympathies, depression is horrible.

I don't think anyone can tell you whether there is something that needs changing about your life, or whether actually your life is fine (or would be without the depression) and this is a purely chemical thing making you feel this way. It could be either.

When did this episode start? Was there anything that triggered it? And how did you feel about your job and relationship before this episode as far as you recall?

Have you told your DP how you are feeling, your history and are they supportive if so?

Personally I would say, don't make any irreversible life decisions right now. But perhaps you could have a temporary escape and see how that makes you feel? A holiday alone? Agree a period of unpaid leave with your work?

[Lostandlosingit]

Thanks mini, it's so frustrating not knowing if I need to change my life to feel better or if I just need to address it from a chemical fix.

The endless questioning about my life choices are tiring and not fair on DP. He's very understanding but it must be hard for him as I'm so withdrawn and just have so many doubts but can't think clearly enough to determine why I feel this way.

I think you are right that maybe a wee break away myself is a good plan - I'm going to book something just for me to see how I feel with a little bit of space.

I just so desperately want to feel happy and content - and to have confidence that things in my life are fine and I don't need to make drastic changes - but I'm so unsure of everything atm

[minipie]

I think that could be a good plan - but do explain first to your DP what you're doing and why otherwise he might take it the wrong way. Do keep talking to him, or at least to someone in RL, it can be unhelpful to be too much inside your own head sometimes iyswim. But at the same time a break from the daily routine could be good.

How are you sleeping?