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AIBU?

To think soon to be XH shouldn't be discussing the details of our financial settlement with his new girlfriend

21 replies

intheBondiBubble · 11/08/2016 01:27

Not sure if I'm being over sensitive, or if it's inappropriate. He keeps suggesting that it's causing issues between them and she is pressuring him to get it sorted out soon, he is discussing the intimate details of our and therefore my financial situation with someone I haven't even met. We were together 12 years and married six, and have a four year old, we seperate do 10 months ago and this girl moved in with him to his apartment last weekend.

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Just5minswithDacre · 11/08/2016 01:32

It's not unusual and you can't stop him so you need to aim for zen indifference really.

RealityCheque · 11/08/2016 01:33

She is part of his life now and they are living together. Of course he will be discussing finances (including divorce) with her.

It would be 'inappropriate' for them not to. YABU.

DementedUnicorn · 11/08/2016 01:35

Oh dear, YABU but understandably so. It probably hurts like heck but realistically people need to discuss their financial situations when they live with each other.

AnnaMarlowe · 11/08/2016 01:40

If there are issues between them it's not your responsibility to help him resolve them. He presumably chose to move her in before your settlement was concluded.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

I would find it deeply annoying to be discussed but there's nothing you can do about it.

Once the settlement is agreed, your finances will be none of his business any longer.

Ginkypig · 11/08/2016 01:44

It's up to him who he discusses his financial situation with (and in this circumstance that means yours) so in that sense yabu.

But he has no fucking right to be putting pressure on you or guilt tripping you about it! Her opinion of the situation is nothing to do with you.

Do not let him put you in a position where you feel you need to make things easy or speed things up. It is what if is and it takes as long as it takes until you both are confident an agreement has been made between you both.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 11/08/2016 01:44

She's his partner. There's nothing unreasonable about her wanting to know his financial situation, especially if they're living together, so yabu. Understandably so though. Break ups are tough at the best of times; add in a decade long relationship, a child and divorce then it's totally normal to feel uneasy with a new situation.

bloodyteenagers · 11/08/2016 01:52

Each time he mentions it, tell him it's nothing to do with you. He needs to be either talking to the girlfriend or they need to be seeking professional help. But, their problems are not your problem. The financial settlement will be done when we both agree and not a moment before. If she doesn't like this, well thats her problem and she needs to deal with it.

And just tell him that each and every time, and if he continues. Be blunt - look I have been nice, but I don't give a fuck about your relationship. I don't give a fuck if she wants my settlement sorted quickly.

intheBondiBubble · 11/08/2016 01:57

Thank you, I realise it's normal for her to have some understanding of his finances etc, he is unfortunately throwing her opinions and feelings into our discussions about it all which is making me angry and tbh I don't care at all how she feels and believe that this is between us to decide. I haven't met her yet (that's coming next week) and as quite a private person I feel uncomfortable with it all.
I suppose I just have to just shut it out of my mind and focus on getting done fairly.
It hasn't helped that he is being an arse about it and trying to hide his assets and business interests.

OP posts:

Just5minswithDacre · 11/08/2016 01:59

he is unfortunately throwing her opinions and feelings into our discussions about it all

What a wally. Not one of life's natural diplomats or negotiators then?

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2016 02:22

YANBU to feel it is not appropriate for him to discuss this with his girlfriend who has just moved in with him. I think 'partner' is a bit of stretch. in his shoes I would be a bit worried she seems very grabby for someone who is only just moving in and when he is legally married to you still! But appearances can be deceptive, so keep an open mind!

Re "He keeps suggesting that it's causing issues between them"

As others say, not your problem, make it clear it is not your problem and will... butter no parsnips with you!

Re " ...and she is pressuring him to get it sorted out soon"

Just tell him you and he will sort out all details, these affect his daughter, who is only 4.

He should be putting his daughter first and providing a fair assessment of his assets.

Re "... he is discussing the intimate details of our and therefore my financial situation with someone I haven't even met." I am afraid I agree with others you can't really stop him. You could tell him this makes you uncomfortable and I agree it is unreasonable of him (IMHO) but if he is being an arse this may just make him do this more!

He has created this situation by allowing, or even encouraging her, to move into his home (or he into hers, or whatever) before he has finished sorting out the details of your marriage.

Re "he is unfortunately throwing her opinions and feelings into our discussions about it all which is making me angry and tbh I don't care at all how she feels and believe that this is between us to decide." Just tell him, as said up-thread, repeat again each time, 'this is between us'....

Re "I haven't met her yet (that's coming next week) and as quite a private person I feel uncomfortable with it all." Hope the meeting goes well. Just remember although he says this is the case (she is pressuring him), it may not be so! When my elderly relative re-married a much younger women he portrayed her in a certain light (she had to be called Blah Blah not just Blah) etc, the impression was she was very snobby etc. After his death it was discovered that all this was his interpretation and the lady in question was fun loving and nice and happy to be known just as Blah!

PS -
"It hasn't helped that he is being an arse about it and trying to hide his assets and business interests."

Who is your solicitor, get her or him on the case (I've watched too much 'The Good Wife' but I do think solicitors might be able to work miracles!).

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2016 02:37

The only thing I have to add is

1-If gf says anything to you about this politely say "I will not discuss this with you. The decisions are between XX and me."

2-If stbx says 'gf says' or 'gf thinks', interrupt and say "I'm not concerned with what she says/thinks, this is for you and I to come to an agreement on."

bloodyteenagers · 11/08/2016 02:39

Oh after the update. Bollocks being nice. Go for the jugular.

Well, have you not thought that this is actually your own problem. If you stopped being a dick and trying to hide assets and whatever then we could settle. So quite frankly, I couldn't give a fuck about your relationship. You want her to stop nagging, stop being an arse.

Good luck meeting her. If she mentions the settlement to you, which she might. Be honest with her, yes talking of which has he told you where he's hiding x,y and z. The sooner that's found, the sooner we settle.

daisychain01 · 11/08/2016 06:53

Why do you have to meet the GF? I'd distance yourself then you don't have to care what she thinks, it will matter a lot less if you don't have to put a face to a name.

Just deal with your ex. Don't let it become 'two against one'.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 11/08/2016 07:07

My stbexh's girlfriend is my former best friend. They talk about me and our financial situation (and the rest of it) all the time.Because I knew her so well I can actually hear when its her opinion or something she has said and he is quoting directly, coming out of his mouth. It fucks me off immensely.But there is nothing you can do about it-they are bound to talk about it.
Trick is to ignore what he (she) is saying and stick to the facts.what you want, what he wants, what's legal, what's fair. What they feel or think about it beyond that isn't worth your head space.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 11/08/2016 07:26

What bloodyteenagers said so well...

Oh after the update. Bollocks being nice. Go for the jugular.

Well, have you not thought that this is actually your own problem. If you stopped being a dick and trying to hide assets and whatever then we could settle. So quite frankly, I couldn't give a fuck about your relationship. You want her to stop nagging, stop being an arse

Good luck meeting her. If she mentions the settlement to you, which she might. Be honest with her, yes talking of which has he told you where he's hiding x,y and z. The sooner that's found, the sooner we settle

DaisyChain. They have a 4 year old, it's going to be much better for the child if they meet & try to get along.

Conkers 💐 That really is the ultimate betrayal isn't it, I'd be more devastated about the ex BF than stbex H. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope karma takes the most massive chunks out of their arses. If it doesn't get them soon enough, I can fully recommend gettng a truck load of manure delivered onto their driveway, if they have one, preferably blocking their cars in. It was could be very therapeutic.

GreenRut · 11/08/2016 07:32

extra

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 11/08/2016 07:43

He sounds like a prick.

The next time he mentions her just say "not arsed'

intheBondiBubble · 11/08/2016 07:48

Yep, definitely need to meet her, she is living with my boy 3 days a week, and I want him to feel happy and safe.

Thanks for the replies, some of them made me laugh

I will point out her irrelevance in our divorce settlement and ask that he stop bringing her opinions and thoughts to our table

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IceRoadDucker · 11/08/2016 07:51

I think AcrossthePond55 has the best suggestion.

HerOtherHalf · 11/08/2016 08:27

As already stated, it's good to maintain a civil relationship with her if you can for the good of the child. It might be worth a try pointing out to your XH that he would unlikely take kindly to you directly involving a boyfriend in your divorce and financial settlement discussions. It's up to her how much detail his girlfriend is made aware of but her opinions are between you and them and you certainly shouldn't need to discuss finances directly with her - that will only lead to animosity.

intheBondiBubble · 11/08/2016 08:42

I agree, I'm keen to have a civil/friendly relationship with her, EX and I are generally on good terms which is the best outcome for our boy.
He tends to be a bit free in over sharing and I've warned him of the impact that can have on us all, it was an ongoing problem while we were together so I'm a bit anxious

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