She's never going to like her and that's okay?

(191 Posts)
Elizawh Wed 10-Aug-16 16:15:54

I really don't think IABU but am prepared to hear I am if that's the case.

Ds1s girlfriend doesn't like DS2s girlfriend at all, to the point where she can not stand being around her. I know this is because of DS2s girlfriend attitude towards her and a real personality clash. This has never been an issue as they both are polite to each other and never cause any problems. Now to the reason for posting...

I made plans with DD and DS1 and his girlfriend for tomorrow completely forgetting its DS2s girlfriends birthday Friday and I promised him we would do something with her as we we won't be going for the birthday meal on Friday. Can not stand her family. Originally we, that being me, DD and DS1 and Gf, was having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant but DS2s girlfriend is a fussy eater and won't enjoy our chosen restaurant. I said to DS1 and girlfriend today that we'll still go out together tomorrow but have to change our restaurant choice to something where DP and DS2 and his girlfriend can join. That was fine with them but DS1s gf said could she be dropped home before the meal.

That's totally fine by me, I can understand why she wouldn't want to attend seeing as she doesn't like DS2s girlfriend but when I told DP he got really angry. He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah. I tried explaining to him that she doesn't like her and she has good reasons not to, we can't force her into going as she will not enjoy herself and will be uncomfortable. He's now saying if she can't find a way to like her she won't be welcome to stay over anymore and certainly if she doesn't attend the birthday meal she won't be welcome over for a long time.

DS1s girlfriend over heard and said she will come if she has too but she'd rather not and DD said they will sit together so she doesn't feel so bad being there. But I don't think she has too.

So AIBU to think that it's absolutely fine for her to dislike someone and not have to attend their birthday celebration? DP is the one being unreasonable isn't he?

Elizawh Wed 10-Aug-16 16:18:25

And just to add we have never had any issues with DS1s girlfriend what so ever. She is a lovely girl and we all really love her being part of out family. She usually gets on excellent with DP and he's never said anything bad about her so I really don't know what he reacted how he did.

Also, she wasn't invited to the original birthday meal on Friday despite everyone else being invited.

Somerville Wed 10-Aug-16 16:19:32

Your DP sounds more unreasonable here. Forcing two young women who dislike each other to spend the evening together will lead to unnecessary drama. And surely the girls friends don't 'want to be part of your family' so much as be in a relationship with your sons?

I'd keep out of it as much as possible and keep your fingers crossed that their girlfriends not getting on doesn't lead to a rift between your sons.

PNGirl Wed 10-Aug-16 16:19:39

If these were all married adults I would agree they have to suck it up and see each other at family events but if these are teenagers I would say YANBU.

ElspethFlashman Wed 10-Aug-16 16:21:09

Seriously, unless #2 girlfriend has done something really bad, it's very rude to not even sit down at a damn restaurant for an hour. She's making it a really big deal and making it awkward for everyone.

What age are all these people? They sound about 14.

TinklyLittleLaugh Wed 10-Aug-16 16:21:50

Your DP is being a controlling arse. He doesn't get to decide how unrelated adults (or teens) spend their time. Though to be honest, you all sound a little over involved. I like my kids' boyfriends/girlfriends but I don't do special days out or birthday meals for them.

1stworldproblemms Wed 10-Aug-16 16:22:25

How old are they all? Why does she dislike the other girl? And does the other girl feel the same?

Crunchymum Wed 10-Aug-16 16:23:07

You posted about this GF the other day right?

Frankly you sound completely over invested and involved in your DS's -- and their GF's-- lives.

They are young adults right? Why are you having days out with them / taking the GF's out for birthday meals / buying gifts etc?

It's weird and overbearing.

BestZebbie Wed 10-Aug-16 16:23:32

Is your DH put out that he would rather be dropped at home rather than have dinner with DGF2 as well, but he can't get out of it? :-)

ElspethFlashman Wed 10-Aug-16 16:24:11

I don't think he's being controlling - I think that if these people want to be a part of the family then they have to be less openly hostile.

It's the girls birthday. If #1 can't be there with grace then maybe she should have a day with you some other time.

monkeywithacowface Wed 10-Aug-16 16:24:44

Your DP is being an arse who is he to decide what this young lady should do or who she should spend her time with? Tell him to stop being a controlling tosser

MardyGrave Wed 10-Aug-16 16:25:29

I don't understand why you both feel so involved.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 10-Aug-16 16:25:31

If I was DS2's gf I wouldn't want someone who didn't like me coming out to celebrate my birthday.

DerekSprechenZeDick Wed 10-Aug-16 16:25:33

How old are they?

pinkyredrose Wed 10-Aug-16 16:26:00

Why are you falling over yourself to make sure DS2s gf has a wonderful time when she's so horrible to DS1s gf? Why do you tolerate and tacitly accept her bad attitude? Of course DS1s gf wouldn't want to spend an evening with this little bitch!

Chippednailvarnishing Wed 10-Aug-16 16:26:19

Stop trying to over involve yourself in your DC's lives.

FlyingElbows Wed 10-Aug-16 16:27:26

Why are you even wasting energy on this? Step back and let your sons organise themselves. Your dp doesn't get to tell gf1 what to do or who she has to spend time with. I'm a grown up married lady and I'm fucked if I'm spending time with my sil who I despise with a passion. Telling people they have no choice but to tolerate people who are awful is wrong.

Ewock Wed 10-Aug-16 16:28:07

If you are not going to GF2s birthday meal on Friday because you do not get on with her family (fair enough we don't getbon with everyone) then DH does not have a leg to stand on forcing GF1 to have a meal out for the other girlfriends birthday.

Cosmo111 Wed 10-Aug-16 16:29:59

Crunchymum hit the nail on the head your massively over invested in these young people's lives.Frankly I would be letting them get on with it.

Nanny0gg Wed 10-Aug-16 16:31:05

Are they teenagers? Or are they adults who will become permanent members of your family?
Because if it's the latter then they really need to sort themselves out.

Elizawh Wed 10-Aug-16 16:31:17

DS1 and girlfriend are 19 and DS2 is 17 and his girlfriend will be 17 Friday too.

2 used to be really nasty to 1 mainly out of jealousy and said some really horrible things about her and her family although we didn't find out it was actually her for almost a year. She is also very critical of things that 1 does despite I'm my opinion being worse, for example DS1 planned to got travelling for a month very last minute and his girlfriend wasnt keen on him going(he literally planned it 2 weeks before he was due to leave), girlfriend 2 said to us "oh that's pathetic, I'd never do that to DS2" then wouldn't let him spend one night at a friends house in our old town even though she was on holiday. So that's effected her opinion on 2 a lot.

They also have opposite personalities so they find it hard to talk despite 1 trying her hardest.

I have no idea if 2 feels the same. I think she's just very jealous of 1 and acts badly towards her, I'm not sure if she dislikes her though.

I wasn't doing a special day out for the girlfriend, it was to spend time with DS1 and DD and I invited 1 along becuase we all enjoy spending time with her. I wouldn't do anything special for 2 for her birthday either but we weren't going to her meal on friday so DS asked if we could do something.

Elizawh Wed 10-Aug-16 16:33:03

No I've never posted about this girlfriend before. I've never actually posted about any of them before.
This also isn't about their relationship, it was more about what DP said so I don't see how that makes me over involved and over bearing.

pinkyredrose Wed 10-Aug-16 16:33:24

OP I think you should force yourself to go out with DS2s gf family Friday, after all she's part of your family now and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

BodsAuntieFlo Wed 10-Aug-16 16:33:58

They're adults I presume and can make their own decisions on whether to attend a meal or not. I think you're DH is being especially unreasonable. If I was the girlfriend who chose not to go I wouldn't be bothering coming over anymore after him demanding she attends something she doesn't want to. I wouldn't be dictated to like that and would never have given my children's DP's an ultimatum like that. I also wouldn't tolerate any of the DP's being nasty to each other in my home. They can either come over without any drama or don't bother.

monkeywithacowface Wed 10-Aug-16 16:34:50

Sounds like a lot of playground nonsense and you are far too invested. Chances are neither of these girlfriends will be permanent fixtures so just step back from it all

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