Who is BU, me or friend?

(14 Posts)
Foreverlexicon Wed 10-Aug-16 12:19:04

My friend (let's call her A) and I share a mutual hobby. I also do a form of it as my full time job. It is very physically demanding and this time of year I frequently work 6/7 days a week.

We both regularly take part in events related to this hobby. These are long and exhausting days and easier when someone comes to help.

We loosely arranged to go to one of these in about 5 weeks time. It was loosely arranged because I wasn't 100% sure if I could participate. On Tuesday I told her it was looking unlikely I would be able to do take part.

Later on, she asked me if I would come help her.

Frankly I don't really want to for a number of reasons. Firstly without participating, it would essentially be me working for free. I don't really enjoy going unless I'm involved as its exhausting, a loooooong day, lots of hanging about. I'm also working AM and pm for an hour that day so depending on timings, it could mean a 4am start and/or 10pm finish.

I also study part time, am launching a business right now, regularly take part in these events mysekf, and like I said, am working 6/7 days a week. So time to mysekf or with my partner (who is off work that day) is very limited at the moment.

So I said to be honest, I'd rather not. It's far away enough that nothing's been booked so plenty of time to organise things, it would be a pain as I'm working and that its not really something I enjoy because without participating it's basically a work day for me.i also said, but if you're really stuck, I'll come, I would just rather not be first port of call (there's plenty of other people she could ask or she could go alone)

She hit the roof, said it was the most selfish thing she's heard from anyone, so on and so forth. She hasn't spoken to me since (I'm quite enjoying the space to be honest!)

She has form for pushing me into things and generally doesn't take no for an answer and I usually give in for an easy life but I'm fed up with it and holding firm. I hate rowing though and now feel guilty confused

Imnotaslimjim Wed 10-Aug-16 12:21:11

Your friend is being unreasonable, it doesn't matter what you've done for her in the past, if you don't want to go you don't want to go and she shouldn't be guilting you into it.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 10-Aug-16 12:22:14

If she has form for pushing you into things and doesn't take no for an answer, she' s not much of a friend and you giving in for an easy life has allowed her to treat you that way (and made it seem acceptable). You've decided not to be a doormat to walk over any more. Good for you. Don't feel guilty.

Foreverlexicon Wed 10-Aug-16 12:22:28

Added so not to drip feed; I also suffer from anxiety and it gets much worse when I'm very busy, I just NEED some alone time once a week or so to recharge - another thing she has belittled me for time and time again.

VladmirsPoutine Wed 10-Aug-16 12:26:00

Leave her to her own devices. Honestly, I know it's often trotted out but life is far too short for this sort of unnecessary angst.

ShoeEatingMonster Wed 10-Aug-16 12:27:20

Depends has she been on hand to support you on occasions when she's not been taking part? If so then I think you are slightly.

As a guess - groom?

AlpacaPicnic Wed 10-Aug-16 12:28:24

Your friend is BVU. Simple as that. You are allowed to say no for any reason you like. If you want to spend the day staring into space while laying on your sofa, that that is YOUR choice to do so. Your 'friend' is not a good friend if they are trying to bully you.

Foreverlexicon Wed 10-Aug-16 12:34:32

I'm not going to say what I am as like I said, I don't want to be outed smile

Thank you guy.

Sorry I should perhaps of put this in the original post but it was getting long winded; she has helped me out twice last year. Both times she volunteered, if not I had other back up arrangements. I never asked. She also often helps out other people because judt going to these things is fun for her, which is where we differ I think. That year I also did plenty of time confusing and emotionally difficult things so I don't feel I 'owe' her. The one time I did ask for her help (which I only did because my mentor who always came with me passed away quite suddenly and she had offered at the time) she told me weekends were precious so she wasn't keen. Which hurt but I thought was fair enough and I accepted it.

AyeAmarok Wed 10-Aug-16 12:34:33

YANBU. It doesn't suit you, you're not obliged to put yourself out for her every time, just to avoid her throwing a strop.

FlyingElbows Wed 10-Aug-16 12:40:02

How many times has she groomed for you?

SeaCabbage Wed 10-Aug-16 12:40:52

I think the only thing YABU about is when you apparently said "if you are really stuck, I'll come but I would rather not be your first port of call."

It sounds like you are a bit of a pushover and don't stick up for yourself. Say no. Don't worry about it. It is allowed. Just one clear no. Much less messy.

Have a lovely day with your partner. And have a think about whether you want to really be friends with someone who frankly sounds horrible.

JudyCoolibar Wed 10-Aug-16 12:53:38

You need to withdraw the offer to go if she's really stuck, otherwise for sure she'll come to you the day before and say she is. Tell her it's now definite you can't go at all. Don't bother to give reasons or get into any discussion about it.

Foreverlexicon Wed 10-Aug-16 12:55:12

Seacabbage - being a nice person I genuinely don't want her being stuck alone blush but equally if I just do it, I'll be asked every other weekend.

Flying elbows - really didn't want to out what it was but nvm. Twice, both last year. Both times she volunteered so I took her up on it rather than doing what I usually do. Her situation was different then and I helped her out in different ways.

Thank you for opinions people, it's appreciated! All my other friendships it's acceptable to say no I just don't really want to do that but this one that's never been okay.

CloudPirate Wed 10-Aug-16 13:37:25

I wouldn't do it. As you say, you'd essentially be working for free and when you barely get any time off, it's the last thing you want to be doing (whereas I know lots of people who do this as a hobby will go along to other people's competitions just for a day out and would genuinely see it as down time, I've always had a surprising number of people decide to help me out, sometimes to the extent where I've been nervous about half the yard watching me compete!).

Also, there's no way I'd do anything for her when she's being so unreasonable (seriously, is that kind of behaviour meant to make you want to spend time with her?!).

but equally if I just do it, I'll be asked every other weekend - couldn't agree with this bit more. When people are this cheeky and don't seem to understand that they are asking expecting you to really put yourself out for them, there is never appreciation for what you've done... just a steady stream of more and more requests demands!

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