AIBU to remove my frindship(16 Posts)
To consider removing my friendship. (sorry for the long post)
I have been really good friends with Friend 1 for 6 years and Friend 2 for 2 years. Personally, I feel like they have recently become bad friends. However, I do tend to over think things and get paranoid over silly things.
About a year ago we all decided to do a house share as we all want independence and to save and be away from parents and we all had full times jobs. So F1, F2 another friend F3 and I moved in and at first it was good, then I started to notice little things like having to badger F1 and F2 for the money for the bills and them not doing the chores and gardening. Halfway through our tenancy we got notice from our landlord that he was selling the house but could move us to an alternative house down the road and mistakenly I ignored the warning signs and signed up for another year.
I realised as soon as I moved my stuff into the new house. They left their moving to the last movement refused to pack any of the kitchen stuff, so on the last day they had to move all their things. F3 and I went to get the kitchen stuff and when we got back he found a fekking not saying that F1 was going to spend the night at OH and F2 was going to skype OH (still in the house) and to move the rest of their stuff into the house. We were furious, I knocked on doors and phoned but got no answer but had no choice but to move their stuff as the house needed to be emptied for a deep clean. F3 helped a little bit but had to pop off to his night job and often comes back near passing out.
By the time I finished I had to make a quick meal and get to bed as I had to be up early for work. After work, I got back to find another note in the kitchen saying not to make a mess in the kitchen as the OH was coming around for the weekend. Now I admit it was not a tidy kitchen as I had no time to clean up from dinner but it was not a dump just a chopping board and other dirty utensils on the work top and I suppose a few crumbs.
From then F1 spends most of their times with OH and their friends and ignores invites to do house night or go out. F2 barely comes out of the bedroom and does nothing after quitting her job. It is always me that suggests doing things or does anything and if I ever need any help I am just ignored. I feel they have become selfish and rude toward me and F3. I am hurt and confused why they have been treating me like a skivvy. Now I have to live in this house for another year and I feel like I should remain friendly but remove all feeling and connection to them, stop offering to do things together as they obviously don’t want to spend time with us.
Or am I just investing too much into this friendship and being unreasonable in expectations.
they're not your friends. You need to adjust your expectations.
What does your lease say about leaving? Maybe there's a clause in there about being able to leave if you can find a replacement?
I honestly thought they were :/
I really don't know what I can do with my contract, it is in a lot of legal wording. As I'm the main tenant on the contract i would have to give it to one of the other but they refused. They have made some passive aggressive comment about me wanting move- very bitchy. I'm sure I could move but I would have to find someone first which would be the problem.
If you're the head tenant, remove them instead and find new people?
I honestly don't think they would leave or make it easy for someone to view the house.
But their behaviour is really bad, there have been several incidence since I last post :/
Consider them house mates rather than friends all sharing together? They aren't interested in the whole Friends set up. Make other social arrangements and get more outside interests.
Re the housework and gardening you need clear boundaries and agreements. Kitty for certain items? If washing up is left to fester place in a box and set aside. I would ask for a regular house meeting to discuss any ongoing issues and then try to make the best of things. F1 has got a partner and has naturally moved on.
Oh no please don't get me wrong, I totally understand everyone has their own lives and things and I do my own thing But before we moved in we used to go out Etc
Great idea about the housework, we do have a chore chart but it is ignored but will defiantly give the washing up box a go. Thanks
To answer your original question, it looks like F1 has stopped seeing you as a friend and is just taking the piss.
You need, as said by a pp, to start thinking in terms of you all just being house mates and going back to agreed behaviour.
If F1 continues to not do her own stuff, then you'll have to consider giving her a warning to leave.
Part of the agreement can't include them socialising with you, as in having a 'house night'.
People drift out of friendships as they get older.
Yeah I have tried to call a house meeting under what to do about the tv licence and internet and will bring up the suggestions that you guys put forward.
Id be annoyed with F1. People that drop friendships & go into all consuming relationships are cockwombles. You can bet your bottom dollar, who they'll come running to, when it goes tits up. I'd personally not be bothered with them anymore
The naze73 cockwobles I love it!!!!! Yeah I've been thinking about and while they are great people they have turned sour and I'd rather Just leave it. And an update I messaged them about doing a house meeting to get the Internet sorted and other things with the houseand I got a whiny 'can you do it all and we settle up with you later but make sure it cheap '
Cancel it all then. But yourself an internet dongle and ensure your phone contract has plenty of data.
Don't be such a doormat.
I have quite politely refused saying I'm too busy, and I have put f1 dirty things to the side( been there a week). And I have already had moaning
People will treat you like a skivvy if you let them. Agree wity other posts - dirsty washing gets put in a box with their name on
preferably in their room , no sorting bills without money upfront or a proper meeting. Don't plan anything else out and essentially treat them as fellow lodgers not friends
I've lived in house shares quite a few times at uni and unfortunately stuff like this always happened in each house, there was always little divides and people falling out. It's tough adapting to living with new people and being responsible for yourself and trying to balance friendships and partners as well. When you are in this kind of situation little things get majorly blown out of proportion because you are living in it and you can't just walk away and get some perspective.
I like the suggestion of a house night maybe alternate cooking with different themes (e.g Spanish night with lots of tapas and sangria) and have board game nights as well. If you can all commit one night a week.to.each other you will feel.closer and happier and the house stuff might not get on your nerves as much.
I have tried to balance the friendship and housemate thing and I thought it was a good idea to have a house night or something every now and again to keep everything calm but I got ignore and nothing could be set. It can not be said I didn't try. They have honestly been quite rude ignoring friendly messages not just house related messages. So I just think I will be nice and friendly but give up I'm sick of this and it get me down.
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