My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To think there's a difference between banter and flirting.

29 replies

ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 08/08/2016 22:39

My oh seems to think it's the same thing.

If I wind up a friend from a shared hobby (that oh doesn't share, or want to share) about something to do with out hobby that's banter.
I'm married, he's married and I know his wife.

Flirting isn't the same is it?

OP posts:
Report
allthatnonsense · 08/08/2016 22:41

There is a subtle difference.

Report
ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 08/08/2016 22:42

I should add that this banter is on Facebook where my husband and his wife can see it

OP posts:
Report
CakeNinja · 08/08/2016 22:42

I don't know.
Dp and my friends say I'm a massive flirt, but actually, I think I'm just a friendly smiley person (when I'm down the pub!) - will have a laugh and a joke with men I know and other I don't.
I think it's just lighthearted chatter but dp laughs and says I'm flirting but don't know it!
So maybe, flirting is a perception?
I can explain that to myself in my head but can't seem to find the words to explain it!!

Report
Dutchcourage · 08/08/2016 22:43

It depends on what your saying snd how your saying it.

I have banter with the lads at work snd it could never be discribed as flirting.

Report
chitofftheshovel · 08/08/2016 22:43

No it doesn't sound like flirting at all, just sounds like you're having a craic. Suspect it is your husbands problem.

Report
SanityClause · 08/08/2016 22:43

Hmm. I would call that joshing.

To me, banter is men telling rape jokes. (But it's just banter, innit?)

Definitely not flirting, though. Not unless it's of a sexual nature. Which, I'm guessing it's not.

Report
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/08/2016 22:43

There is a difference, but imo it is very easy to cross the line without really realising it.

Either way, if your OH doesn't like it you should stop.

Report
ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 08/08/2016 22:44

If I was speaking this way to a woman (and I do!) that's fine but if it's a man its wrong even thought there's no attraction there?

OP posts:
Report
ReallyShouldKnowBetterAtMyAge · 08/08/2016 22:46

Your op is banter.

Constant "how was your weekend, I hope it was eventful, it's my pleasure" is flirting imo.

Report
KimmySchmidtsSmile · 08/08/2016 22:50

^oh god yes, sanity that twunt from iacgmooh that used "bantz" all the time. Was delighted when the arrogant sod got evicted, he really was not expecting it.

OP cannot judge without seeing the comments but if there is familiarity there which there will be it can sometimes read as >intimate than intended.

Report
BestZebbie · 08/08/2016 22:54

Hmm...I think that there is a difference, but the two massively overlap. Both of them are intended to bond the person bantering with the person they are talking to by reinforcing shared experiences/jokes etc which link them together and by using an 'acceptable' way to push the bounds of intimacy (in that it would be rude for a stranger to 'wind up' your friend that way, but because you are close, it is acceptable - and thereby that behaviour reinforces that you are close).

A lot of the difference is about intent, prior history and the much wider context such a frequency, body language, situation etc, so there are many many conversations that could be interpreted or intended as either quite legitimately.

Report
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/08/2016 00:57

Either way, if your OH doesn't like it you should stop

Even if her partner is being totally unreasonable?

What a load of old bollocks. People who are doing nothing wrong shouldn't have to stop doing it because some delegate little flower is being unreasonable.

Where do you draw the line.

My partner does not like me communicating with males in any way even my brother and my dad AIBU? Yes because he does not like it so you should stop.

Report
AverageGayLad · 09/08/2016 02:34

For me, Banter is what I do with my mates. Flirting is what I do if I'm interested in someone romantically or for a one night stand

Report
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/08/2016 02:37

Fuck that. He is being unreasonable.

Enjoy your hobby and your friends.

Report
WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 09/08/2016 07:31

oh god yes, sanity that twunt from iacgmooh that used "bantz" all the time

What's iacgmooh?

Report
Believeitornot · 09/08/2016 07:34

Can you give an example? It depends - what if the other person is flirting?

For me flirting is when there's a hint of sex/attraction however subtle.
Eg someone made a joke to me and said that they were waiting for their kiss (I'd accidentally sent them a text with a "X" at the end). That's clear flirting. Whereas if they'd joked about how I threw out "Xs" to everyone I'd call that banter.

Report
TheNaze73 · 09/08/2016 07:50

I think the easiest way to rationalise it, is if he was doing the same with other women, to the same degree, would you see it as banter (hate that word so much) or as flirting? I think that's your answer. If he's getting so humpy about it, is he judging you by his own standards??

Report
molyholy · 09/08/2016 07:51

Yabu, solely for the use of the word 'banter'.

Report
BillSykesDog · 09/08/2016 07:56

This is one of those MN posts where 90% of the answers are going to be totally meaningless. Because everyone knows if a woman came on complaining about her DH doing this with a woman and saying it was 'banter' he would be accused of gas lighting, belittling her and emotional abuse and told that if the DW didn't like it he shouldn't be doing it, LTB etc, etc.

Yet because it is a woman apparently humiliating and upsetting her partner with her behaviour towards a member of the opposite sex, it's all his fault and he is BU.

Report
DollyBarton · 09/08/2016 07:57

I'm a celebrity get me out of here -iacgmooh

Report
Noonesfool · 09/08/2016 08:01

"If OH doesn't like it you should stop"
Really?
REALLY?

Bollocks.

Report
OnionKnight · 09/08/2016 08:03

To me banter means speaking like a cunt, I can't stand people that say 'It's just banter!' shortly after saying something offensive.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

MistressChalk · 09/08/2016 08:04

Yes there is a difference, if two straight men are flirting with each other it's called banter, if a woman joins in she is flirting. Works with sexes reversed as well.

Report
SoHelpMeDog · 09/08/2016 08:04

We call it flanter, and it's so much fun as long as everyone is onboard and knows not to take it too far. My DH isn't the jealous type though, might be different if I knew it upset him.

Report
logosthecat · 09/08/2016 08:29

Yes, of course there is a difference between flirting and banter.

That said, I have seen people refer to really, really over flirting as 'banter', when it isn't.

And I have also seen rather jealous people who regard ANY interaction between people of the opposite sex as flirting. Even ordering a cup of coffee Hmm.

So, to be honest, we can't really tell whether what's happening in your case is the first or the second without knowing more about what was said.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.