To stay away from MIL from now on?

[PinkCollarCat]

Sorry if this long, I need to give all the background.

DH and I have been married since April, have a 13month old DD together. We've been together 4 years, and lived together for nearly 18months. DD wasn't planned, but we're happy and love being a family.

MIL was lovely until DD was born. She would often invite me over for meals when DH lived there, and then when he moved in with me she'd often text us asking us over. They helped us furnish our flat and seemed genuinely happy for us as a couple.

Then DD was born, and she started refusing to come visit our flat as apparently it was "dirty" after she visited once after the birth - DH was working 6 days a week with no paternity leave, DD was a few weeks old and I was struggling to breastfeed after having a episiotomy which resulted in me losing 4 pints of blood and having a transfusion as well as 16 stitches (10 external, 6 internal), I was on iron tablets, and antibiotics to stop me getting an infection and had only come out of hospital the day before after spending 10 days in as DD also developed a chest infection and had jaundice, so I've no idea why she expected me to have done the washing up or the laundry to be caught up on.

Things just got worse from there. I have no doubt she loves DD, and I'm not sure if she's just overly fussy or I've upset her but since then we've all (DH included) had a tricky relationship. MIL insisted I visited them once a fortnight on the Friday off work, DH was always working so I'd have to make my own way over with baby DD, and as I don't drive this meant an hour round trip. I always did it because I wanted to keep the peace.

At 6 weeks old DD was diagnosed with hip dysplasia (aka Clicky Hip) and was placed in a special brace for 12 weeks. I had to stop using the newborn section of the travel system as it was hindering her recovery. I put her in the next stage bit but she didn't like it and just cried. I thought she was too tiny for a stroller so instead switched to using a soft carrier which was recommended by the Orthopedic Nurses doing the weekly physio and bath on my DD.

Surprisingly as I'm quite short, both DD and I loved the carrier. And it was a godsend when she started teething and became clingy. However, MIL hated it and made her feelings on it clear. She moaned that the carrier was unsafe, DD apparently hating it (despite her smiling and babbling away when she was in) and that she thought it was neigh on child abuse to keep using it, she never said these things to me or DH but FIL would repeat them too us or she'd ring my mum concerned and my mum would tell me - my mum loved seeing her gd happy and just wanted her to get better so wasn't bothered with us using the carrier.

After the brace came off DD I continued to use the carrier, but also used the pushchair just as frequently, which DD was now happy to be in again. If we saw MIL she'd talk to me/DH/DD if we were using the pushchair, but completely ignore us if we were using the carrier - DH liked wearing it as much as me.

When we announced the date for our wedding in September, MIL just sighed and said "you don't have much time to plan it do you?" no congratulations, no asking about our plans, just a sigh. I was pretty put out.

At Christmas we planned to spend the day together as a family, just the 3 of us. The plan was to go to PILs on Christmas Eve and then to my mums from Boxing Day for a few days (she lives an hour away by train). But when DH told MIL the plan she threw a strop and told us we were ruining her Christmas - she has a party with all of her side of the family at her house (her 5 siblings, who have 18 children between them, plus her parents and grandparents, and SIL and her partner) which I thought would be too much for DD. DH didn't want to cause an argument at Christmas so we ended up going (DH drives). MIL even demanded that I express some milk rather than breastfeeding so I could in her words "have a break" (I have always known she's not a supporter of breastfeeding - she told me she wanted to me to give the baby formula several times while I was pregnant).

We turned up with DD in her carseat asleep, and MIL woke her up, got her out and we didn't get a look in for the rest of the afternoon, not even for feeding - we suspect MIL gave her formula at least once as I'd only expressed enough off for one feed as we only intended to stay an hour, but stayed all afternoon as we couldn't get DD back off various relatives who'd remove her from the room or be taking pictures when we went to get her.

I stopped the fortnightly visits after that. DH told MIL they were stopping as I was going back to work 3 days a week and wanted to get DD used to her childminder before I did (DD actually took to the CM straight away and was happy to be left from the start but MIL didn't need to know that). MIL was happy I was back at work, and started going on about DH and I getting a house closer to hers even though she knew that all our money was going on the wedding after the bills were paid and then on a family holiday after the wedding.

On the day we got married, MIL turned up late. FIL couldn't drive at the time, and I'd said we didn't have the room for GFILs parents - So DHs great grandparents who he's met once in his life, never receives christmas or birthday presents from and probably have no idea who he is as they have 9 living children, who all have at least 3 children each and god knows how many great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. And they were the only ones who could apparently drive her and FIL to the service, despite us inviting all 5 of MILs siblings, their spouses/partners, all DHs cousins on that side, both of FILs sisters and their husbands, all 6 of DHs cousins on FILs side plus his cousins 2 step children, all 6 of DHs grandparents (FILs parents both remarried before DH was born and he calls the step GPs granny/grandad) as well as SIL and her partner most of whom could drive and us getting married in their home town which would have been a 20minute walk or 10minute taxi journey. So she turned up late by 10 minutes and nearly missed the ceremony - had the couple before us not overrun she would have missed it. She claimed she didn't know that GFILs parents weren't picking her up.

Then at the reception she refused to pose for photos, took DD off my relatives several times and passed her to her relatives, constantly asked where my dad was even though she knows that my dad walked out on my mum when my DB and I were teenagers and we've never had contact since with him or his family (I told her this when DH and I got together), Asked my brother twice if he and I were twins (we are, but again she knew this) and complained loudly that it was unfair that we hadn't invited GFILs parents.

Since we've been married she moans about DDs clothes; she doesn't like the dress we've dressed her, she doesn't like jeans on such young children etc. She also takes off any cardigans/socks knitted by my family when we go round.

But the final straw was when I bought a new carrier. I wanted to carry DD on my back and she was getting close to the weight limit for the front carrier so I treated myself to a new soft back carrier. I took DD out in it the day it arrived, and we both loved it, so now I rarely use the pushchair. MIL told me she doesn't want to see me using the carrier, and she's going to ring my HV as she thinks it's damaging to DD for her to be in the carrier - to add my HV is lovely, and I've taken DD to the weighing clinic in the carrier and my HV and her colleagues all thought it was brilliant and DD was very happy in it, they recommend them for this age group anyway as they go through separation anxiety and being close by can be helpful for them.

MIL never speaks to DH unless he contacts her, it's always me. Whenever he asks what I've done to upset her she denies there's a problem.

AIBU to tell DH I don't want anything to do with MIL until she tells me what I've done to upset her or stops acting to childish?

[rollmeover]

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, she sounds awful. And you sound very patient and calm!
She DHs mother - if he wants to see her, he arranges it. I would cease communicating with her.

[2410ang]

Nope YANBU. She sounds kind of crazy!

[Whynotnowbaby]

I second roll's response. Why would you keep making an effort with someone who is so clearly unwilling to work with you? You sound like you're doing a great job and she is determined to undermine your efforts at every turn so she can contact your dh to arrange any contact from now on.

[MimiSunshine]

Stop giving her air time. She doesn't like your DDs clothes etc so what it's not her business.
And as for the carrier issue, is it because then she can't push the pushchair? And did she think she was 'telling on you' to your health visitor? How would she even know who to call?

Just don't bother contacting her, it doesn't need to be anything dramatic and I certAinly wouldn't be encouraging her to think up something you've done to upset her (likely nothing) and she's not going to suddenly acknowledge that she's childishly so just stop calling etc, if she wants to see DD she can go through her son, it's his mother let him facilitate (or not)

[SquinkiesRule]

Yes, stay away, the woman is batshit crazy. I'd only go near if I was with Dh, who supports you from the sound of it.

[PinkCollarCat]

MimiSunshine I keep DDs red book in her changing bag and the HV wrote her details in it when she came for the first visit when DD was a few weeks old, I assume MIL saw those and will contact her that way.

She never speaks to DH, always me. DH rarely contacts her himself, she usually texts or rings me.

[PinkCollarCat]

The carrier issue I can only assume is because of not being able to push the pushchair yes.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

She gave your baby formula without permission?! What the effing fuck?!? And I thought my mil was bad.

[Taylor22]

Jesus. I would've cut taht bitch off after the first half of your story.

Seriously she sounds toxic. Tell DH that you and DD are done.

[SalemSaberhagen]

You sound lovely OP. YANBU, I'd stay well away.

[janey77]

I wouldn't make any effort myself, leave it up to DH to contact her, arrange visits when you are both present etc (she's his mum not yours, she should be his problem). She sounds crackers tbh and I don't think you should be wasting your time trying to appease her

[Dutchcourage]

When you had dd - she felt a slip in power. She wasn't the mother figure -you are. She is officially out of the loop.

That's why she contests everything you do,to make herself feel important and you feel unsure.

Your a grown woman who clearly knows what's best for her own child snd some one who knows her own mind so change the situation.

Don't facilitate any relationship with her now, if your Dh was to to see her - that's fine but you make sure your always busy.

[Wayfarersonbaby]

She sounds awful! And my MIL is a PITA!

Go as low-contact as you reasonably can.

[Tiggywinkler]

She's batshit, and you need to withdraw.

Let your DH do the running to maintain the relationship - if he wants to.

[Iloveowls2]

Stay away from the control freak and block her in your phone. And contact should be made via your DH.

[Ohflippinheck]

She sounds like very hard work and you sound like an angel.
I would limit visits to 1 hour and brush off her criticisms/don't engage.
If she tells you you're upsetting her by limiting access then hit right back with your feelings about her intrusive opinions on your parenting. Then leave her to stew on it.

[TuppencePenny]

I feel sorry for you. What does your DH hunk about her? She sounds horrendous.

[KC225]

I think your patience with this woman has been admirable. But you need to take a step back now. You will never please this woman. Unless you draw a line under it, this will be your life and it will get worse the more you pander to her. I am not suggesting cutting her off (although plenty would) but you must stand your ground. Stop running around after her. She will never be happy. She is bitter and jealous.

Is your DH an only child? Has she always been prone to melodrama? FIL needs to stop telling you her opinions. Say to him 'Can I stop you there, if MIL wants to tell me how she feels tell her to pick up the phone to me directly ' Tell your Mother do tell her the same. Cut off her avenues of complaint. If she is not challenge it only fuels her fire.

[Shizzlestix]

She needs to be put very firmly in her place. Stop going round to hers. When she phones, tell her to talk to your DH. Don't reply to her texts. Generally stop putting yourself out for her. Pre-warn your HV that your bonkers mil might try to contact her. I think she sounds very toxic.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

I could have written some of your post OP.
The moment I said I was pregnant my MIL became very controlling. I decided 6 years ago to step back, I don't visit them, I don't call them, I'm civil if they visit us (rarely) but I just don't engage. Life has been a lot more peaceful, but I do think you have to address why your DH isn't stepping up and standing up for you all.

[PinkCollarCat]

Not an only child, DH has a sister two years younger than him. She was fine and not dramatic at all until DD was born.

[YeOldMa]

She sounds very difficult. I'd limit contact to the bare minimum if it were me. Your DD is likely to pick up on the undermining your MIL is doing to you as a parent and it will only get worse. Let her ring the HV...I think they might put her in her place.

[MilesHuntsWig]

Control freak (and slightly nuts). Not unreasonable at all to steer well clear and ignore phone calls until she decides to behave like a normal human being.

[BurningBridges]

I'm confused why you put up with this for so long, and why DH has allowed it to continue; I think you've enabled her to behave this way and I agree with Shizzle she is very toxic. So what's your plan now?

[EweAreHere]

Just stop engaging. Put the burden of contact with her on your DH where it belongs under the circumstances (the crazy), and tell him you're not going to go along to get along on account of her ridiculous behaviour. The behaviour changes or you don't see her. End of.