to think we can split up amicably, easily and without too much pain?

(14 Posts)
MonicaLewinskisFlange Mon 08-Aug-16 20:37:15

I'm beginning to think it was horribly naive of me to think it might possibly be smooth and easy.

I've had the tears, and now I'm waiting for the tantrums. He might refuse to move out. He could make this so difficult for me.

Noonesfool Mon 08-Aug-16 20:38:13

Depends on the situation

MonicaLewinskisFlange Mon 08-Aug-16 21:01:23

Absolutely. Of course it does.

My recipe for disaster:
EA narc DH
Me victimised

Noonesfool Mon 08-Aug-16 21:41:51

Repost this in relationships, OP

MonicaLewinskisFlange Mon 08-Aug-16 22:24:14

I'm looking for some success stories. Some light at the end of the tunnel?
I'd like some hope.

Sorry if my story is hackneyed or boring hmm

PurpleWithRed Mon 08-Aug-16 22:28:27

It's worth it in the end. Like childbirth - messy and painful in the short term but the bliss when you've got the end result makes it all worthwhile. Stick with it. I look back astonished I put up with someone so controlling, so obsessed with sex, such a crap father and husband, for more than 5 minutes let alone 18 years. FWIW we are both happily remarried and much nicer happier people now.

andintothefire Mon 08-Aug-16 22:30:37

The best advice that I can give is to emotionally detach as soon as you possibly can. It might feel cruel but I think you both need to realise that you can't be the support for each other any more. You need to build your own - separate - lives.

It will almost certainly be difficult and painful for the first few months or even longer, but I think it takes time and as long as you are calm and clear about what you want, it will be much easier.

MonicaLewinskisFlange Wed 10-Aug-16 07:11:08

Thank you. I'm new to all this so my expectations I think were unrealistic.

bearhug Wed 10-Aug-16 08:03:32

Not sure about the without pain bit. Amicably and easily should be possible, as long as both parties keep their lawyers under control. Agree between you who gets what, and stick to it.

CeolNaMara Wed 10-Aug-16 09:03:59

I think the amicable & easy element depends on what your relationship was like and why you're ending it.

My ExH and I managed a DIY divorce, division of property using a spreadsheet and are still on coffee-drinking terms, but - and it's a big but - he wasn't horrible and I wasn't his victim. We were kind to each other and we carried on being kind through the divorce and beyond.

I do know though, from friends who've gone through it, even a horrible ending to a dreadful marriage can be got through. Your life as it is now isn't the life that you will have in the future. You will be happy.

2016Blyton Wed 10-Aug-16 09:07:00

Why shoudl he move out rather than you? Most lawyers advice not moving out. My ex stayed for nearly a year until I bought him out with a huge sum and not until full property transfer, cash transfer, mortgage transfer and decree absolute.

Whatever you do have a court sealed consent order as nothing else is worth the paper it's written on. You can agree it yourselves but you must get the court to seal it and it must cover all finances. Only then get your decree absolute.

YouMakeMyDreams Wed 10-Aug-16 09:14:41

It won't be amicable or easy sorry. But with time you can plaster over a few cracks and get civil masquerading as amicable. My exdp was an emotionally abusive lying arsehole. It took a long time for him to stop treating me like the enemy and trying to control me. He'd met and married someone else and was still doing it. He still doesn't listen when the dc try to talk to him about important stuff. I am still a little on edge at times because I'll never completely trust him ever again.
My exh comes to stay at the house to see the dc. Came away for the weekend on our camping holiday a few weeks ago. Isn't at all threatened by the relationship dh has with the dc. But he wasn't abusive. We both just made a mistake at a time we were vulnerable and divorced before we hated each other.
So really it depends on the history. It's painful either way but the light at the end of the tunnel is much further away with an abusive man.

VladmirsPoutine Wed 10-Aug-16 09:54:06

From what little you've said then I'd brace myself for the worst.
Are there substantial assets to be divided? Any children in the mix?

MonicaLewinskisFlange Wed 10-Aug-16 23:06:22

I'm grateful for the reality check. Thank you all. No assets. Yes DC. I'm cautiously hopeful. Dealing with the emotional fallout on everyone else means I haven't had a chance to look after myself yet.
Can anyone recommend any good resources? Practical how to advice as well as support. I have the Lundy Bancroft book.

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