Am I unreasonable to say we're not going(64 Posts)
Just want a quick check to see if me and dh are being totally unreasonable.
We go and stay with fil and step Mil twice a year for a weekend(fil comes to us regularly, but step Mil finds having us too tiring). They live in a beautiful house near the sea, with a massive garden and animals. We live in centralish London with a yard. Our children(and us) love going there.
We are due to go there in two weeks.
Today fil emailed to say he has found out there is a family reunion with some distant relatives on his side on the Sunday. I have never heard of any of these people in ten years. My husband has met one woman and her son about twenty years ago. Fil said he had asked if he can bring us along, and they have said yes. We would not be invited otherwise. It is mainly older people in their 60s+, though there is going to be one other child. The reunion is over an hours drive from fils.
I really don't want to go. We are driving 3 hours to fils with young children, and the last thing we want to do it then spend one of the two days driving to see people we don't know and making small talk, before probably never seeing them again. We were really looking forward to rockpooling and relaxing in the garden(like we normally do), and spending time with fil and step Mil(who our children love).
Dh has said to fil that we may go to the beach while they go, or has given an option of us coming a different weekend. Fil is upset. Dh has started backtracking.
Are we being unreasonable?
No, not really. They won't miss out on seeing you, your visits are to see them, for your DC to see them. Why would you feel pressurised into going off to see people you don't know, that your DCs won't enjoy (let alone you)?
DH needs to tell his DF that it was a nice thought but really isn't something he wants to do with his family weekend.
Difficult one. Could you go to the reunion but stay one more day at your in laws? This way you still get a weekend's worth of quality time.
I can understand FIL being upset if he takes it as you are not interested at getting to know his side of the family.
Yes, Yabu. In order to enjoy visiting them and having your lovely breaks away ocassionally that will mean having to perform 'family duties'. I think they were probably pleased it fell on your visit and I think it is insulting to say you'd rather go to the beach than see their family.
I can why you're disappointed but I think you need to go along with your FIL's plans. It sounds as if they want to show you off which is quite sweet.
Can't you add another day to the weekend so you cans till enjoy the garden and seaside?
FIL is in a difficult position. He has asked if you can go and you're now asking him to go back to them to say you don't want to. I know he didn't ask you first, but on the other hand maybe he thought it would seem rude to tell you about a family event you weren't invited to. He was probably pleased you would be there and able to go with him.
If it was me, I'd go.
I think it's fine to say that it's too much for the children.
""FIL is in a difficult position""
Not if one of his GC may be coming down with something, or possibly exposed to chicken pox.
If your FIL is getting upset then I think you should go. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with them and if FIL wants to take his precious family to the reunion to show them off as a one-off then it would seem very mean not to go imo.
Two weeks away is the BH w/e....can you extend your stay?
I do understand your disappointment, but I think it will actually be really nice. These people are family, right? OK, so you don't know them at all, but there is still that bond and his family would probably love to meet you.
I find the relationship between young children and older people really lovely to see. What is the form of the reunion? A sit down meal, a garden party? That might influence your decision I suppose.
I think I knew it felt mean to fil. It is just the kind thing both me and dh will dread, and it is a shame for the dc. But I can see that fil was excited to show his family to these cousins. Thanks for your opinion. Sometimes I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
How long are you there for: three days or just the two?
It is not the bank holiday but the 20/21st. It is a bbq at one of their houses. It is fil's second cousin and their extended family.
Also step Mil find having children to stay tiring(not just ours).
I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to be forced to socialise with people I didn't know and would probably never see again. It would make me most uncomfortable.
I would try to stand firm on the idea that you either visit on a different weekend, or just go to the beach as a family while FIL and MIL go to the reunion by themselves. After all, it sounds more like their acquaintances and social circle than yours.
How old are you children? Could PIL's go and take GC to show off and you and DH spend a nice day together, just the two of you? Tell FIL that he'd be an absolute star if he were to do this so that you both can get some time together without kids? It might appease him and you wouldn't have to go yourselves plus quality time with each other - problem solved 😀
Ah yes....I'm ahead of myself with the dates, sorry.
Well, I would go but I can see that it is very much personal preference.
I think you should go. SOmetimes you have to put yourself out a bit to make other people happy. If they are generally good to you, then do this one small thing for them. They are probably just proud of you.
I would suck it up and go. Its a family thing. If I had family coming to stay and there was a family do on, that they didn't go to as they preferred going to the beach I would feel kind of treated like a hotel. I have said family too many times and my post looks wierd, sorry.
YANBU. This would annoy me too. Young children are hard enough work anyway, let alone that kind of reunion situation that's another hours' drive away (and back) when you're only down there for four days of the year.
This is the sort of thing my mum would do, she then wouldn't listen to any ifs or buts and would automatically get upset if we didn't instantly say it was a marvellous idea etc. I just can't understand why people don't see that just because they think something is a fab idea that other people (with other pressures or concerns) don't think it's fab too.
It sounds like it wouldn't be a short visit either, if it's a reunion.
Could your DH go down by himself and you all go down a different weekend?
Could you go down but DH goes with one of the DCs (maybe the eldest?) and you stay back at the ranch with the youngest?
Could you pick a different weekend to go down and say you really look forward most to relaxing in the garden etc, just chilling out spending time them, and you are worried the children won't react that well to another hours' drive to somewhere where they will be expected to be on best behaviour etc?
Or you could just totally give into this. Accept the fact it's there, much as you don't like it, and just grin and bear it. You'll still have some time in the house and garden etc. Take the buggy with you (if your DCs are young enough for one) and say you're taking them for a walk halfway through (to get some time out from it all). It obviously means a lot to Fil I guess, so that's your good deed to him, even though you really don't want to (and I get why and I totally sympathise with you).
Yes, sorry, I think I agree with the consensus that yabu (not to not want to go - but to actually not go!). Agree that sometimes we have to put ourselves out for family. There's no reason your kids won't enjoy playing in the garden where the party is, so I don't agree it's a shame for them. It's you and your DH who will have to make polite conversation! But it needn't be a whole day out of your two days -- if it's in the evening you'll have the entire day there (and an excuse to leave early) and even if it's in the afternoon, you can still go rockpooling before/after! Sorry...
myownprivateidaho It is a shame for the DCs. It's not the same at all as relaxing in their own grandparent's garden, just their parents and grandparents, and maybe a trip to the beach. This event will be full of people they have never met, who will all be interested in them as two of only three children at the event, so they will feel "on show". Also, if it's an hours drive away, that's an hour back too, plus a reunion is not going to be a popping in and out thing. The amount of time the OP spends there will be decided by peer pressure (Oh, you're not going now, are you?!") plus sounds like the FIL won't be happy if they aren't there to the max. IMHO, OP is not being unreasonable thinking of not going. It all sounds like a total pain.
I would go. Get FIL to draw out a family tree for the children. Take photos of people so you can remember who they are. Then the children can match them to the tree.
I used to get dragged to a lot of these when DH and I were young, as DGFIL came from a big family and DGMIL kept in touch with all her cousins. PIL used to go out of duty. DS was the guest of honour at one. It is funny looking at the photos so many years later. They all look the same, even down to the hair dos
Well, you would be seeing them, and some other family too.
Sorry, but it does come across like you're rather more keen on the beach and their house and their garden than them tbh...
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.