AIBU to be upset over my biological dad and family?

(12 Posts)
IsThisEmette Sun 07-Aug-16 05:30:33

I'll try and keep this brief.

My dad abandoned me and my mum when I was a baby. He was an alcoholic and a womaniser and from what I understand, he was violent too.

In my culture, daughters and women aren't considered as important as Sons. When I was born, instead of being happy, my father told my mum (who had given birth 10 mins ago, after a 55 hour labour) that he had wanted a son.

Shortly afterwards, he married his girlfriend before even divorcing my mum.

He never paid a penny to help my mum raise me- I'm not originally from the UK, and in my birth country, child support isn't mandatory.

I was a very sick child and we didn't have free healthcare either. He still never paid anything and didn't even visit.

My mum raised me all by herself, she's my hero star Paid all my medical bills and for my education.

I've now been in the UK for ten years, I work at a top investment bank and I'm standing on my own two feet all thanks to my mum.

I haven't seen my dad in over 24 years, but I recently found out he has a three year old son that he dotes on.

I don't know why, but this made me feel awful. For all practical purposes, this man is a stranger, and my mum gave me all the love I ever needed.

Then why do I feel so bad?

The rest of my family is pretty horrible too. They made my mum's life hell because she didn't have a husband and they haven't been kind to me either. Some of them have been downright mean to me, ever since I was a baby.

I often ask why?! I was just a child. How can anyone hate an innocent child and be horrible to her?

I rarely let these things bother me, but today I can't seem to stop...

BillSykesDog Sun 07-Aug-16 05:41:41

Because a lot of people really aren't very nice. Sad but true.

I think this is something that ultimately you just have to accept you can't change and give up as a bad job. Concentrate instead on the lovely people (including your Mum) that you do have in your life and the other good things you have like a good job and financial stability.

Of course sometimes you will need to think about it and it will cross your mind, but try not to dwell on it. You can't change them or the past. They are really not important or worth your time and you should concentrate on those who love you and the happy future you're going to build.

Ultimately they are the ones missing out because they don't have you in their lives, that's their loss.

ihatethecold Sun 07-Aug-16 06:21:13

I don't think I could top what BillSykesDog has said.
You don't need toxic people in your life. They will only bring you down and belittle your achievements.
Concentrate on your mum and your friends.
I was adopted at birth due to being born into an unmarried relationship (my dad was asain)
I also haven't seen my adoptive parents for 10 years due to them being toxic
I'm happy though. Life is easier around positive people that love me.

Babynamechange Sun 07-Aug-16 06:35:57

Absolutely second what the two posters above have said. He sounds thoroughly vile. People like that don't really change imo, so in all likelyhood he's also pretty vile to those close to him too regardless of the public 'persona' he presents.
Hugs xx

ProfessorPreciseaBug Sun 07-Aug-16 06:49:42

Does he dote on his son? Or does he dote on the idea of a son?
I would wager he treats his wife as a skivvy. You really are better off away from him.

But it is hard to accept when you find out one of your parents is really quite unpleasant. You say you have a city job? You would never have had the chance for a career if he had stayed with your mum. He would have tried to and probably destroyed any opportunity you could have had because you are a woman.

I rally hope he is not in England. Not because he is foreign, but because of his poisonous attitude towards women imported from third world culture.

grannytomine Sun 07-Aug-16 07:31:41

I am sorry you had such a hard time and your mum is wonderful, you were really lucky there and you have repaid her by making the most of your life. I understand your dad was a waste of time but a lot of time has passed, maybe he has changed and isn't the same man he was. Maybe he is still a waste of time and will ruin his son's life. Don't let him spoil your life, I know its hard but try to let it go.

blueturtle6 Sun 07-Aug-16 07:35:32

You and your mum sound lovely. Be glad she got away from him and you weren't brought up in toxic environment flowers

SlightlyperturbedOwl Sun 07-Aug-16 07:38:25

Your mum sounds amazing. Agree with all the previous posters, just wanted to suggest some counselling to help you deal with with the emotions. flowers

pallasathena Sun 07-Aug-16 07:47:19

Be thankful that you have the life you have, that you have a mother who loves you with all her heart and that you have the intelligence to understand that men like your natural father are, essentially, entitled, insignificant twats. Your mother, on the other hand is a legend.
I would be so grateful that I'd escaped the clutches of such a despicable creature.
And so sad for the little boy who is going to grow up not knowing any better.

ProfessorPreciseaBug Sun 07-Aug-16 07:56:44

I apologise,
I forgot to add you (OP) are a credit to yourself and your mum.

IsThisEmette Sun 07-Aug-16 08:21:29

Thank you everyone for your kind words smile

DollyBarton Sun 07-Aug-16 08:26:28

You didn't deserve to be treated the way you were. Life is simply unfair sometimes and some people are just not nice. Try to focus on the good that has come out of your life thanks to your excellent mum and not dwell on the stuff with your dad that you have no control of. You should be very proud of yourself and your mum. He is still the one who abandoned a child no matter what he good he does in his sons life.

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