What to do about DSD(12)?

[ReallyWetWater]

I have 2 DSC, 14 year old DSS & 12 year old Dstep daughter, I also have one daughter, who's also 12.

This summer has honestly just been a bit crap, mainly because of DSD's constant complaints, which I understand but their's really nothing I can do about it.

We have DSC 50% of the time, during the school year, this is an every other week arrangement & we take the holidays in turn, this summer her grandfather, her mother's father had an injury & we've had DSC all summer as their mother had to leave to take care of him.

This meant that we had to come up with last minute child care as we sorted everything when we assumed we'd only have DSC for 3 weeks.

So for the past 3 weeks DSD has been in various play schemes, dance, art classes, football, things she loves to do, the issue however has been that whilst DSD has been in play schemes, my own daughter has been on 2 holidays abroad.

One that lasted 10 days to Mexico with her grandparents, her father's parents and one with her father to Japan that she's still on, when she gets back we'll all be going on a holiday together to Scotland, which we do every year and all the kids love and then DD is set to go on a summer camp for the last week before school.

DSD won't stop complaining about the unfairness of it all, she hasn't even tried to enjoy herself, I've explained it in every way that I could, although DD gets to go away, she never really gets to see her Dad or GPs etc, it goes in one ear and out the other.

She wants to go away on camp at the end of the summer but we've spent most of our holiday fund on all these playshemes for 2 kids and it's most likely that their mother will be back by the end of the holidays and would want to spend whatever time's left with her DC.

What do I do? I can't cope with anymore complaints?!

[HerRoyalNotness]

If it were me. I would tolerate one more complaint, and say I know you are unhappy with the situation, however it is what it is and complaining will not change anything. You can either get on with it and enjoy your holidays or not. But I'm not having this discussion again. And then ignore.

[DollsHouseTales]

Do you get on reasonably with her mum? Could you ask her mum to have a chat about it all? Presumably her mum is in touch with her through the holidays. The only point that might be genuinely unfair is if your DD gets a holiday with her DF who is also DSD's DF - will DSD get a holiday with her DF too? Is that possible, if not now then at some other time during the year?

She's likely feeling upset and displaced, she wasn't intending to spend all holidays with her other family or away from her mum so she's probably projecting feeling a bit lost due to that onto you and her DF. Thinking about it, she's not with her DM, she's not with her DF so it's understandable she's doing some moaning. However the situation isn't your fault.

Could you fit some time in to do something just with her? Make her feel a bit special? What does she like - clothes, music, eating out? Anything like that?

[wheresthel1ght]

Honestly I think you are being a bit unreasonable - although I do get the frustration.

If the tables were turned and it was your dsc's off on expensive holidays and your dd was moaning how would you feel/explain it to her? This is your starting point.

Your DSD is clearly feeling unsettled and abandoned by her DM and whilst this clearly can't have been helped it is hard for a 12 year old to understand that different family set ups are afforded different treats. I would pretty envious of your dd's holidays. We are only getting a holiday this year because we are going to visit family who are basically letting us use their house like a hotel.

She is VERY young still and this is an awful situation for her. bite your tongue and even acknowledge that yes it is unfair that your dd gets to have holidays like this and you are envious too - and that is completely ok. but that the only way to not be miserable is to try and make the best of the situation.

[IwannaSnorlax]

Totally agree with HerRoyal - would tell her to get over it. Life isn't fair & it's tough shit she doesn't get what your DD does & its up to her how good her summer will be.

(I'm very unsympathetic though & would tell her where to go & not listen to her at all.).

[Salmotrutta]

Is your DDs father different to your DSD father?

In which case your DD has a completely different family set on her fathers side and it's nothing to do with "unfairness" really and more to do with blended families.

Your DSD needs to understand that she is not being treated unequally by her father, mother or you!

[ReallyWetWater]

They have different fathers.

I have acknowledged that it's awful & unfair, that I'm jealous as well & I really am. We've sat & talked about it for ages, but whilst she's momentarily accepting, it all disappears the next morning.

I like the idea of taking her out alone, but I really don't think it'll have much affect & I'm sure her Mum knows as she complains to her Mum about it everytime they speak

[DollsHouseTales]

Reallywet taking her out alone is a physical show of understanding. Maybe it would have a better effect?

By getting her mum to speak to her, I mean could you chat to her mum and explain DSD is upset about the arrangments and is there anything her mum could say to help smooth it over?

[wheresthel1ght]

then you need to do as the others have suggested and nicely but firmly tell her that yes it isn't fair but it is what it is and she needs to mak a choice over whether she carries on moping and being miserable or she perks up and enjoys her summer.

Stop making additional effort and treats until she starts being nicer.

Although - why isn't her dad dealing with this behaviour and attitude??

[DollsHouseTales]

Do you mean that DSD is a DSD to both you and your DH? Is she DH's DSD from a previous relationship? The only thing I thought was a bit unfair is if DD and DSD have the same dad and he's taking your DD on hols but not his other DD (DSD). If that's not the case then YANBU!

[ReallyWetWater]

Her Dad tells her to complain to the wall as she's now become a bit of a broken record.

She gets me when I sit down to watch a program or I'm in the garden or when I'm picking up or dropping off as I'm really the only one who won't tell her to be quite.

Dolls, I don't mind taking her out, we go out quiet a bit together and I'm sure she'll have a good time, I just think that all the good feelings will be forgotten about 24 hours later. I can get DH to talk to her mother and see if she can have a go though.

I really can't handle anymore, I feel like I have no choice but to say deal with it but that feels quiet mean

[ReallyWetWater]

Dolls, no he's her father. They're his children from a previous relationship, whilst DD is mine from a previous relationship.

[Lovewineandchocs]

No

[OrlandaFuriosa]

It's horrid feeling dumped at that age. And if there's a sense if mortality involved, that's worse. The apparent unfairness is prob the stuff she feels she can complain about. It's the hidden stuff that's probably really got to her. Like, why am I not more important to Mum than her father? If he dies, what's going to happen? What will happen to me when Mum dies?

I'm sure you're not taking this personally.

If you could take her out alone, but also do something with her separately, using the no eye contact rule and apparent focus on activity, and say things like it's grim not being with your mum, or you must be really worried about your grandpa, or did you see that programme about people missing their parents, really hard, esp when it's hols, you may get her to open up, floodgates open, and anxieties come out.

You sound great. I wish I'd been dumped on you.

[happypoobum]

YANBU, You can't expect DDs GPs/DF to take DSD on holiday with them. You didn't even know DSD was going to be around.
I think taking her out is a lovely idea, you sound like a very thoughtful step parent and I am sure it's a very difficult job.

What is DSS doing? Is he just better at understanding as he is older? Maybe concentrating on all the fun you will have in Scotland and getting her to help you with the planning for that - shopping/packing/planning a loose itinerary will help? Good luck.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Ps, if you can possibly give her something to boast about when she's back at school, you will be step parent from heaven ( you won't know, if course).

[Lovewineandchocs]

Sorry, pressed too soon. No, I think the OP's DD's father is the OP's ex-partner and her current DH is the DSD's dad.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

YANBU. She has to accept that your DD has a different family to her and it is their choice to take her away and that is fine. She will do things with her mum and that side od the fsmiky that your DD doesnt, it works both ways. She is old enough to get this and not keep moaning on about it. I'd tell her that, yes, you know she is frustrated at it but you have discussed it, there is nothing to be done so you don't want to hear any more on that subject. It would really get on my nerves and she is behaving like a brat.

[llhj]

You sound patient but it's time to be firm and just say you don't want to hear another word about it. End of discussion. This could be the start of a pattern of jealous behaviour about everything connected to your dd and so you need to clamp down. That has the potential to be a very fraught relationship.

[LynetteScavo]

I don't think she's jealous, I think she's just bored. No offence op, she's just at that stage. Everything would be unfair. Could her DM pay for the camp if you've paid out for child care? Or have I misunderstood?

[randomer]

kids just like to moan

[IwannaSnorlax]

Agree with Lynette - stop pandering to her.

[justilou]

Have you thought about agreeing with her? It's not fair! You can't go either.... You're looking after every other man and his dog and can't afford to do fun stuff for yourself and she's swanning around the world with DF and DGPs and you're left rotting away with boredom yourself? Might shock her a bit.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Bored, worried, without her mum when she was expecting to be with her. Brill idea to see if Mum could pay for something for her to do while she's with you. A makeover? A few lessons on something? To make her feel mum cares, to boast about, to be special, to occupy her.

[gillybeanz]

I can't believe her dad says that to her, it's a terrible thing to say.
I feel so sorry for her, she's probably missing her mum, and unless I'm mistaken your dd is on holiday with her dad? and she isn't?

[ReallyWetWater]

Happy, DSS is an absolute treat, my favourite out of the lot, although I'll swear I never said that. He just gets on with it with no complaining, even though the playshemes are the last thing in the world he wants to do. Getting her involved in Scotland is a great idea, she's loves going there but is making it seem like the worst thing in the world right now, I think getting her to make up an itinerary will make her feel more involved and make Scotland seem exciting.

Orlanda, she's very artsy, a big painter, she'd love some new acrylic paints, that's bound to cheer her up. I'll try and see if their's more to it than just teen jealousy, the complaints could be a coping mechanism.