To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

(248 Posts)
bambambaby Sat 06-Aug-16 11:14:52

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much. shock

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

TheWitTank Sat 06-Aug-16 11:20:30

My DH had exactly this with his father. Sadly, the relationship never recovered. FIL ended up divorced from this woman after about 5 years (they married 3 weeks after meeting online hmm) but for DH the damage was done and FIL died without seeing his son again. It is such a tricky situation. I hope you can sort something out.

justnotaballetmum Sat 06-Aug-16 11:21:46

Happened to me, too. Men are pathetic when widowed!

Euphemia Sat 06-Aug-16 11:24:15

She sounds abusive. Poor man.

A lot of men meet new partners relatively soon after losing their wives - a much higher percentage than widowed women. That's normal.

But this new relationship doesn't sound normal - it sounds abusive.

Stand your ground.

Champagneformyrealfriends Sat 06-Aug-16 11:26:57

What a horrible situation-it sounds to me as if he was lonely and clung onto the first woman he could, in spite of her being a massive bitch. Hopefully he'll see sense-do you have any aunts or uncles you could ask to speak to him?

ProcrastinatingNow Sat 06-Aug-16 11:30:12

Similar here.

I'm standing my ground though I'm afraid probably being a stubborn cow

Sorry for your loss and hopefully your dad will see sense still waiting for mine too

TheWindInThePillows Sat 06-Aug-16 11:30:29

I think it was Oprah Winfrey's friend Dr Phil who said 'do you want to be right or happy?'

You are definitely in the right in this one, she sounds like she has driven a wedge there from the start. She doesn't sound like a nice lady, but insecure.

But by making your dad chose, you have lost a lot. He will not get rid of her, he sees her as his lifeline to happiness and feels defensive about her.

Why remove yourself from his life? Then she really has won.

I would find a way to be back in contact, don't let her stop the positive relationship you have with your dad and he has with your children. It won't be the same though, I get that.

bambambaby Sat 06-Aug-16 11:30:58

I am going to stand my ground, Shes 10 years younger than him and has moved in lock, stock and barrel. Theres a new kitchen going in, her young baby grandkids are there all the time (my dad is nearly 70 so he'll love that!) I have tried to speak to him again about this a few weeks ago but his temper appears to be bubbling under the surface all the time regarding me and her. God only knows what shes saying to him as he doesnt want to speak to me at all.
My birthday came and went 2 weeks ago without a card / text or anything. To say im devastated is putting it mildly. My teen children (his only real grandkids) are less bothered thankfully but I'm so incredibly angry that shes getting away with blowing the family apart.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 06-Aug-16 11:32:00

You've played right into her hands though.
You've painted yourself as the girl who can't accept your father has a replacement for your late mother, shouted and stomped off, leaving doting new partner to pick up the pieces and mend his broken heart.
At least that'll be how she's telling it...

Finola1step Sat 06-Aug-16 11:35:11

So you have give her what she wants.

Dozer Sat 06-Aug-16 11:35:59

This has happened in my extended family: it's really sad and reflects badly on the new partners and widowers.

I think that even though he's in the wrong you could tell him you love him and would love to see him (alone) anytime, anywhere. I would drop him friendly emails every so often.

bambambaby Sat 06-Aug-16 11:36:21

Yes, I agree I probably did play into her hands, shes probably devious and played this perfectly. I wasnt prepared to stand back and say nothing though! Its disgusting that she would want me off the scene and its disgusting my father is letting it happen. Im not sure who Im more angry at to be honest.

justnotaballetmum Sat 06-Aug-16 11:38:31

My dad was the same OP

I was mid teens when my mum died and by the time I graduated not one photo was up of me, my brother or mum (but plenty of her and her son.)

He still left everything to me ...

bambambaby Sat 06-Aug-16 11:39:04

I have to say it wasnt about her replacing my mother - no one can do that. I was very happy for my father to have company and companionship. What I didnt like was the fact she controlled my fathers contact with me. She would read his texts and answer his phone. When I questioned this I was told 'there are no secrets between us' WTF??

cansu Sat 06-Aug-16 11:39:08

Be careful. whilst I completely understand how you feel, you need to play the long game here. I would be scrupulously polite to her. Invite them over. Your dad is not going to get rid if her because you say so. He likes her! To maintain a relationship refrain from criticising her and stay in touch with your dad. It may not last, but in many ways you have played right into her hands by acting in this way.

T0ddlerSlave Sat 06-Aug-16 11:39:21

Well it's your choice, you're as much to blame for losing the relationship with your father as she is.

You may dislike her but he's chosen her. It's not backing down to be prepared to see her, it's rising above.

wowfudge Sat 06-Aug-16 11:40:36

It's really difficult to know whether your feelings about her have coloured your judgement regarding the undercurrent that she doesn't like you. You say she made snide comments, but we don't know what they are. If your father is happy you shouldn't have told him you don't like his partner. What is he supposed to do with that information? He's had years of being your mother's carer and now this.

My parents are in their 70s and adore their young grandchildren btw.

I feel for you OP, I really do because you have had your mother's death to deal with and now it seems your mother has been replaced flowers.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 06-Aug-16 11:41:02

So continuing this strategy isn't going to work is it? You need to kill her with kindness. Get back in there and be seen to apologise, get your dad back on side and play a much longer game.

Euphemia Sat 06-Aug-16 11:42:02

Well what is the OP supposed to do? Breezily carry on her relationship with her dad while saying nothing about her birthday being missed?

Try to carry on in jolly fashion in the face of hostility?

justnotaballetmum Sat 06-Aug-16 11:43:54

When this happens, you don't just lose one parent but the other.

It's exclusive to people who have lost their mums, usually.

bambambaby Sat 06-Aug-16 11:43:55

It was the birthday that was the last straw to be honest. I have realised that I didnt have the unconditional love from my father that I thought I did. Its a horrible thing to have to come to terms with.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 06-Aug-16 11:44:23

Well, what other options are there Euphemia? I can't see another strategy.

DistanceCall Sat 06-Aug-16 11:45:18

Your father has made a choice about his new partner. You can disagree with it and dislike her, but you cannot interfere. And I really cannot see what you are standing your ground over? What do you expect your father to do? Get rid of her? Not going to happen.

Your relationship with your father has nothing to do with his relationship with this woman. If you want to continue to have a relationship with your father, give him a call or visit him, tell him that you were sorry about saying things about his partner and that you will not be interfering in his relationship. Tell him that you are still grieving for your mother and find it hard sometimes, but you love him and want him to be happy. That miss the closeness you used to have, and have no intention to threaten his partner.

Hopefull he'll react to this if he sees you as a non-threat to the current statu quo.

bleedingnora Sat 06-Aug-16 11:45:24

Have no experience to offer sorry but this is all so sad

Does your dad have siblings who could intervene to let him know how much you
miss him?! Or how about if your children dropped him a note? Or your DH?

I could understand if she is being abusive and full on with him he would be finding it hard being torn by it doesn't really explain him being so cold hearted. I wonder if t is part of his tied or he has some guilt and you remind him of that?

How about just writing to him saying you
Miss him and the door is always open.

VestalVirgin Sat 06-Aug-16 11:46:13

Treat this as an abusive relationship. Use the advice given here: captainawkward.com/2013/02/22/454-darth-vader-is-a-tricksy-hobbit/

Try to make up with your father, but limit your visits at his house and redirect conversations when he mentions her. In short, try to ignore her.

As others said, by removing you from his life, she has won. Don't play that game.
The more friends he loses due ot her, the more invested he becomes in that relationship.

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