AIBU to expect DH to support us?

(58 Posts)
lkm055 Sat 06-Aug-16 06:14:44

My DH is self employed and works from home and has done since 2009. His business peaked about 2 years ago but since the birth of our 2 DC, the business has declined. He earns approx £500 pcm. I am employed pt and the main breadwinner.
I am off on maternity leave so money is very very tight. I have asked him to get a job to supplement our income which he says he doesn't want to do but will if necessary. I think it's hugely necessary, both to pay out bills and to force him into understanding that he has responsibilities and should be working harder. If he worked more efficiently etc, his business could make 10x what it does as he is very good at what he does.
He is an excellent father, and spends time with the DC but isn't needed for childcare at all just now and won't be when I return to work.
We are surviving on savings (money gifted by family, although they don't expect us to be living off it) but this won't last for long. The business has a few £k in debt which also needs paid.

I love him dearly, but resentment is building now.
AIBU to expect the bills to be paid rather than ignored?

StealthPolarBear Sat 06-Aug-16 06:19:11

Why won't he be needed for childcare? Why can't he be a sahd, I suspect he wants to be?

lkm055 Sat 06-Aug-16 06:21:37

He isn't organised at all. He would struggle to get the baby ready and the child to school and the dog ready etc. He finds that side a huge stress. Never mind arranging and getting to appointments, shopping, household chores, play dates etc.
Although, this is something we haven't considered him doing full time.

pearlylum Sat 06-Aug-16 06:27:30

He would struggle to get the baby ready and the child to school and he can't get the finger out to support his family financially.

I struggle to see how this makes him an " excellent father"

StealthPolarBear Sat 06-Aug-16 06:28:07

Do you think that's also why he's not succeeding in business?
Difficult. He needs to step up one way or another.

lkm055 Sat 06-Aug-16 06:31:50

Yes I do. I have tried to help with admin and setting schedules etc but it's very hard when I have my own job and don't know the ins and outs of the business the way he does.
He has the patience of a saint, and values his time with the kids. But it is mainly playtime...

NoahVale Sat 06-Aug-16 06:35:07

perhaps you should give him more credit in his ability to look after the dc.
give him more responsibility without looking over his shoulder. not saying you are but there is reason why he should not be capable and you are?

NoahVale Sat 06-Aug-16 06:36:02

when are you going back to work op?

pearlylum Sat 06-Aug-16 06:41:14

Any fool can do playtime, especially when they don't have the stresses and strains of either organising their working life or their family.

OP you shouldn't have to spoonfeed your OH like this, he us a grown man and needs to step up to the mark.

Not being "organised " actually is another name for being lazy. He is straying into cocklodger territory here. I would be having some serious words.
He may have the "patience of a saint" but he is being neglectful or dismissive in appreciating the stress this situation is putting you under.
That's not what good people do, and it's not working as a family.

cexuwaleozbu Sat 06-Aug-16 06:47:45

He would struggle to get the baby ready and the child to school and the dog ready etc. He finds that side a huge stress. Never mind arranging and getting to appointments, shopping, household chores, play dates etc.

Don't enable him to think this manchild status is acceptable. He needs to grow up and start taking a fair share of this parenting work as well as bucking his ideas up on the career front.

Don't wait till you have frittered all your capital away on living expenses. This has to stop.

CookieDoughKid Sat 06-Aug-16 06:52:45

I've been there. Except my dh's business was losing money month on month. And dh refused to be a SAHD due to his ''depression''. So in the end, I left him (after a huge screaming match and I actually threw him out and changed the locks) and the breakup was very very hostile. We had split up for nearly 2 years. I was a single working mum with 2dcs and we had started seeing other people.

Dh tried to win me back though but it was a big effort. He sorted his non-existent depression and got himself a huge 6figure salary job. He knew he was worth so much more but relied on me so much that he couldn't be as bothered. Why would you when you have bread and butter put on the table for you?

We have a good ending. We got back together after he really fought for me and our family. And I have never ever let him start a business again. Well not now when we have mouths to feed and jobs that are not secure.

I think you either keep enabling him or be prepared to leave. He sounds like a burden on you.

pearlylum Sat 06-Aug-16 06:53:03

cexuwaleozbu I totally agree. I would be furious with my OH is he thought this behaviour was acceptable.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 06-Aug-16 07:02:43

CookieDough - wow. Amazing story all round. I do think you're unwittingly enabling him. He isn't doing himself any favours by not engaging in other avenues of employment - or you and the children. If it's not working out and he can't see it, would you consider doing what cookie did?

Pearlman Sat 06-Aug-16 07:10:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lkm055 Sat 06-Aug-16 07:14:31

I don't want to leave him. But I have told him that I may be forced to because I can't bear to feel stressed about this any longer. I work very hard at work and at home to keep everything ticking over and feel he takes my lead too easily. I have to pick up the pieces too often. He agrees with me! He knows what he's like and hates it. I am definitely allowing it, but how do I stop without bills going unpaid and daily life grinding to a halt??

pearlylum Sat 06-Aug-16 07:22:37

OP he doesn't hate it enough to get a job though.?

Poor him.

MammouthTask Sat 06-Aug-16 07:25:29

I am self employed and have been earning that sort of money in the first years of the business.
I would NEVER have carried on if we had been in your situation financially (actually I am not even sure I woud have strated being self employed - but that's just me).

If he is earning that sort of money, then he won't have a lot of work going on (maybe 2 days?) so he can look at least for a part time job the rest of the time.
Living on yoou savings is bonkers. Again, I know because we've done that when the dcs were little. Not a good idea.

Dozer Sat 06-Aug-16 07:27:46

Yes, he should sort out his business to earn much more oe get a job! Or you should consider leaving.

Even if he was excellent at parenting/domestics, which isn't the case, both partners need to be content with a parent SaH. many people don't want this.

pearlylum Sat 06-Aug-16 07:32:32

MammouthTask I agree. i was (and still am) self employed when my children were infants, I too was earning a similar amount, but I did pretty much all the housework and child care too as my OH worked very long hours and was often away for weeks on end.

lkm055 Sat 06-Aug-16 07:38:16

Part time wages would see us thorough I think. Enough to cover the bills. Our parents will cover any childcare when I go back to work so we will have 2 wages.
I do feel burdened by the overall responsibility for everyone. I wish I could hand over the money side and know we were taken care of.

StealthPolarBear Sat 06-Aug-16 07:47:21

What do you mean by "hand over the money side"?

OneArt Sat 06-Aug-16 07:49:24

He needs to either get a job or be a proper SAHD without you bailing him out. Surely he can see that you can't carry on like this?

lkm055 Sat 06-Aug-16 07:52:37

I mean not check digital banking everyday to make sure the bills will be paid when he never does.

lkm055 Sat 06-Aug-16 07:53:00

Yes, he does see. But nothing changes.

StealthPolarBear Sat 06-Aug-16 07:56:03

I'm sorry I'm maybe going after a line that doesn't need exploring but why do you need to check every day?
Do you want to hand over responsibility for earning or for managing the money? Or just to share it?

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