To take DBrother on holiday and not DSister

[HufflepuffsAreCool]

I'm in my early 40's and I have 3 younger siblings in their early 30's

I have 2 Brothers & 1 sister. My eldest brother turned 32 this year and is Autistic, mentally he's around 12 and much much younger emotionally.

He's not very verbal although he can communicate with his hands and the odd word. He lives with my parents, doesn't have any friends as he lives in his own world but he's very happy.

As a teen I always helped take care of him, and I do the same as an adult, I take him to his swimming class every Sunday morning and have done for 10+ years, it gives my elderly parents a nice break and when my parents pass away, he'll most likely move in with me.

Every year my brother goes on holiday with my family, myself, DH plus our 2 DC. I've never invited either of my other siblings on a holiday with us, however we've been on holidays as a family where everyone pays their own way etc

This year my youngest brother, who's 30 & single, no DC etc took elder brother abroad, it was the first time he's taken him abroad alone, just the two of them and they had a great time, difficult but DB1 loved every second & DB2 wants to make it a yearly think as well, for every Easter break.

We're all going to our parents this weekend and my Mother phoned to warn me that my sister is angry at my younger brother & I, for never taking her or her children away.

My sister is 35, she's a SAHP with a DH & 3 children all under 7, they've never been abroad as a family as they just can't afford it, she has asked before if we could take her eldest away with us and I've had to refuse as firstly it would be financially difficult for us to fund another person and secondly my 7 year old nephew is a bit of a terror, I can't keep my attention on my brother & a seven year old, it would just be a difficult trip & not a holiday

She can't compare herself to DB1 as he can't go away on his own or work to pay for his own trip, she has no right to be angry or upset at anyone.

[Missgraeme]

U are enabling your brother to have a holiday he would otherwise be unable to have. Your sis is more than capable of sorting a holiday for herself and her kids. Taking a child of hers would detract your attention and responsibility away for your brother which could have consequences. She is being selfish and u are fab for maintaining such a lovely bond with our brother!

[Haffdonga]

Of course YANBU. You are giving your parents a break apart from anything else. Presumably they don't need a break from your ds.

Are you much wealthier than the rest of the family?

[Eve]

How wonderful for your younger brother that he has you and your brother for him , I think entirely reasonable to take him and not sister children.

Tough message but ultimately they are her responsibility.

[JinRamen]

I think you sound like a wonderful sister to your brother

Your sister needs to get over it.

[monkeywithacowface]

You and your brother sound lovely and caring. Your sister is being a brat ignore and continue as you always have

[rollonthesummer]

I think your sister sounds incredibly self-centred and your parents should have put her straight!!

She is an adult with a family--she can sort her own family out!

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Your DM also needs to play her part in telling your sister to get over herself.

[HufflepuffsAreCool]

Haffdonga, I'm not wealthy, middle class I would say but so is she, it's just that they chose to get a lovely house with a massive mortgage repayment every month and on only one income, so they're just getting bye financially.

I think in all honesty she's more mad at our youngest brother, he's got loads of disposable income as he's has no one to spend money on except himself and he's a bit of a tight wad, so it was a surprise to all of us that he wanted to spend money on our eldest brother and on a yearly basis as well

[DeathStare]

Your sister is being ridiculous. Would she really be prepared to swap lives with your brother? If not she needs to stop being so selfish

[rollonthesummer]

Maybe your sister should take her 33 brother away on holiday as well like you and your other brother have.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

So she's grumpy about her own choices and wants other people to be to blame? Shame for her.

[ENormaSnob]

Tell your sister get a fucking job and fund herself.

Stupid selfish cow.

[venys]

I think your sister is being s bit precious. It's a bit different taking one person away than a family of 5. If someone was to take the eldest child, then they might feel obliged to take the others at some point. You and your brother are doing a wonderful thing for your ASD brother and your parents. Forget her (incidentally I can relate to all aspects of this as our family has a similar make up and personality mix !!))

[debbriana]

Your sister is selfish. You brother is lucky to have you and your other brother.

[SlinkyVagabond]

So she wants to palm her kid off on you, so you and dh look after your kids, him and db, but she's not taken her share of looking after db? Yeah, seems fair. You sound lovely, db sounds lovely, she sounds like she wants to give her head a shake.
Not wanting to cast a shadow, but you say your dp are elderly, what's the plan for db when they get too old to cope?

[Amelie10]

Firstly, what a lovely, caring sister you are to your Db. You are lucky to have each other and your parents must be so happy to have a DD like you.

As for your sister, who she chose her lifestyle and the number of children she has so she had no place at all to utter a complaint. She needs to get over herself. She can get a job if she wants a holiday.
Your younger Db also doesn't need to take her Away, he's probably thinking she made her bed so she needs to sort herself out if she wants anything.

You just keep caring for your Db and ignore the precious one.

[HufflepuffsAreCool]

I don't really know what to say tomorrow that I haven't said to her before. DB1 can't take himself & he loves going away, he really does, he has a calendar and everything and I can't take DNephew because DH has his hands full with our two and I can't handle her 7 year old and our brother, but it all goes in one ear & out the other, she huffs & puffs about how her children have never gone away etc etc

She isn't an evil witch, she takes DB1 out when she can, to the park & to picnics, especially during the day when everyone's at work etc and she's taken him for lots of overnights, but she just can't get past this holiday issue

[ATrumpIsAFartCalledDonald]

Stupid selfish cow

ENormaSnob What on earth is your problem!?

[Amelie10]

she huffs & puffs about how her children have never gone away etc etc

Well let her huff and puff till she's blue in the face. Don't indulge her with explanations. Or suggest she gets a job if she wants her or her kids to have a holiday. Madam wants to sit at home and also think she can expect free holidays

[HufflepuffsAreCool]

Slinky, DB1 will most likely move in with DH & I when my parents can longer cope, he has his own room here and we only live 20 mins away, so it won't be a big change for him but that will hopefully not be for a number of years, he has lots of support though, a carer as well

[rollonthesummer]

Just tell her that your DB can't go away on his own and it gives your elderly parents a break.

Why does she need help?

[PenelopePitstops]

Her kids aren't your responsibility at all, she chose to have and care for them.

In the same vein, your brother isn't really your responsibility (I mean this nicely) but you choose to take him away and do things with him to give your parents a break. This is your choice and something that you feel able to do and enjoy doing. You probably feel more of a responsibility to your brother than her kids and quite rightly so.

If she says anything I would explain they are her children not yours.

[HufflepuffsAreCool]

RollOn, she doesn't need any help?

[rollonthesummer]

Well-she has asked for you to take away her child so sort of is asking for help.

You are 100% in the right-I can't believe your sister feels hard done by. What did your mum say to her?

[1Catherine1]

I agree with Amelia (and others)... I think the best way forward is to suggest she get herself a job to pay for these luxuries. We all make choices and are financially responsible for them, both my siblings are away enjoying a holiday of a lifetime right now, do I resent them? NO! I am at home with my two children that I decided to have and they are the reason I can't afford to go (Neither of my siblings have children).

If you are less confrontational though (as I am), I would respond by suggesting hiring a villa for both families to share and all going away together, then splitting the cost. You know she can't afford it so it becomes a non-starter, but you have offered. The idea of her being taken on a free holiday is ridiculous though, surely she sees that?