Don't think I was, but feel like I have been

(23 Posts)
GettingScaredNow Fri 05-Aug-16 17:53:47

STBXH lives elsewhere. He was very abusive (EA, passive aggressive and mentally) and I finally got him out when he threatened to kill me. He bugged my home when he did live here and I don't want him in my flat.

That was 3 weeks ago.
I filed for divorce a couple of months ago and am waiting my decree nisi application being processed.
He hasn't told his family.

He asked me this evening if he could come over so he could video call his mum (who lives in Algeria) so she could see the kids and talk to them in the flat as she is unwell and he doesn't want to explain about the divorce yet.
I said no. I'm just uncomfortable with him being in the flat and this could go on for years!

I wasn't being unreasonable to say no was I?
Feel bad for his mum feel bad that she has a shitty son too

Haggisfish Fri 05-Aug-16 17:54:59

Totally nbu. Don't let him in.

Thisismyalias Fri 05-Aug-16 17:55:15

Yanbu at all. Do not let this man back into your home.

JontyDoggle37 Fri 05-Aug-16 17:56:57

YANBU. If the news will hurt his mum, well that's his fault isn't it, for being an abusive arse, not yours for refusing to let him in. Stick to your guns and remember he will still try to control you.

Sn0tnose Fri 05-Aug-16 17:57:14

No! You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

If you're feeling guilty, it's probably because you've spent so long doing whatever he wants so that it didn't trigger his bad behaviour, that you're not used to putting you and your safety first.

MrsA2015 Fri 05-Aug-16 17:57:38

Just say no, algerians can get quite hysterical about marital breakdowns/disputes but that's not your problem anymore. Protect yourself

FetchezLaVache Fri 05-Aug-16 17:58:08

YANBU- you don't want him in your flat, he doesn't get to come in.

You could always Skype MIL yourself so she can talk to the DCs?

DPotter Fri 05-Aug-16 17:58:51

You are most definitely not being un-reasonable. stick to you guns here.

GettingScaredNow Fri 05-Aug-16 17:59:21

She doesn't speak English. I don't speak Arabic. So Skype would be pointless really.

He could do it when he's out and about with the DC. He was with DS for 2 hours this morning. But he wants to do it here so he can pretend everything is normal and ok.

It is just mind games and control.

QOD Fri 05-Aug-16 17:59:47

Be strong flowers

RandomMess Fri 05-Aug-16 18:00:51

Do not let this nasty abusive violent man in your home EVER again.

He has done this, you had to call the police on him, he is not trustworthy he will used every trick possible to get back at you.

Do not EVER trust him or take him at his word. Do not communicate with him if at all possible, keep it all in writing. I presume the DC don't even want to see him at the moment after threatening to kill you!

UnexpectedBaggage Fri 05-Aug-16 18:00:58

YANBU.

MrsA2015 Fri 05-Aug-16 18:02:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dangermouseisace Fri 05-Aug-16 18:03:18

YADNBU. He can FOTTFSOGTF and Skype his mum. The fact that you have split up is not your problem - it's his for being a complete arsehole.

It's unfortunate about his mum, but that is his problem to deal with not yours.

Sn0tnose Fri 05-Aug-16 18:04:11

It is just mind games and control

Just keep reminding yourself of this. He's using his mum's health to try and guilt trip you into doing what he wants. He could Skype her from anywhere and she wouldn't need to know about your divorce, if he doesn't want to tell her. You don't need to be present and it certainly doesn't need to be in your home.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Fri 05-Aug-16 18:05:15

I remember your other threads, definitely don't let him back. He will use it as a tool.

GettingScaredNow Fri 05-Aug-16 18:11:45

Thank you all.
I can't ever seem to tell whether I'm being reasonable or not anymore. He completely knocked me on it. And now I go round in circles of anxiety and panic that I've made the wrong choice or said the wrong thing.
It's actually quite debilitating

mineofuselessinformation Fri 05-Aug-16 18:19:14

Of course you did the right thing! It's his problem if he hasn't told his mum - and she may not be unwell at all, or as bad as he's told you - that was probably just emotional blackmail...

GettingScaredNow Fri 05-Aug-16 18:26:52

Thank you all.
I can't ever seem to tell whether I'm being reasonable or not anymore. He completely knocked me on it. And now I go round in circles of anxiety and panic that I've made the wrong choice or said the wrong thing.
It's actually quite debilitating

HSMMaCM Fri 05-Aug-16 18:27:16

He could just call her from the park or something. She would never know. Don't even engage in conversation about it, just say NO.

Dumdedumdedum Fri 05-Aug-16 18:28:02

No, you are not being in the least bit unreasonable. You would be facilitating his pretence lying which is probably more to do with his saving face than concern for his mother.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 05-Aug-16 18:46:09

"^I can't ever seem to tell whether I'm being reasonable or not anymore. He completely knocked me on it. And now I go round in circles of anxiety and panic that I've made the wrong choice or said the wrong thing."^
I think this is pretty normal for someone who has been on the receiving end of any of this shite. But this is where MN comes in to it's own - a uick st, a few replies and you'll be reassured!

^"He asked me this evening if he could come over so he could video call his mum (who lives in Algeria) so she could see the kids and talk to them in the flat as she is unwell and he doesn't want to explain about the divorce yet."^I'd put money on that being a pack of lies, with the sole purpose of getting into your home to bug it again sad.

Shizzlestix Fri 05-Aug-16 19:15:42

Glad you managed to get him out.

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