To want to get back on?

(105 Posts)
Santander1 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:24:19

Ok. I'm not a regular poster on here but I wanted some opinions on my dilemma from some people who a) are not my loved ones, and b) do not ride horses.

It goes like this. I have broken my back falling off my horse. Sounds pretty dramatic but in reality is one lumbar wedge fracture, L1. I'm being treated conservatively with a brace, and I'm feeling ok.

I'm married with three children, 21, 8 and 9.

I have ridden all my life and I know exactly why what happened happened, it was a 'duhhhh' moment where I only had myself to blame for the horse becoming exuberant and bucking me off. He'd bucked with me a couple of times when I first bought him, for the same reasons - overfed, underexercised, I was rushing, etc. But this time I had an unlucky dispatch.

My husband, who does not ride, has decided that I must not get back on this horse ever again. He is of the opinion that it will happen again, which I understand. However I have completely changed his circumstances, moved him to a quieter place, I'm having him intensively trained also. Added to that I do not intend to get back on until the wedge fracture is healed sufficiently to withstand another fall if that should happen. I feel that I am an intelligent woman who can make her own decisions about how to take this moving forward. I understand that I have a responsibility to my family to stay safe, but I feel I can do so without being so drastic as to give up on this horse. I have become quite attached to the animal also.

However, my husband will not listen to any of my reasoning and is steadfastly refusing to give any blessing for me to get back on again. He says I would be very selfish to do so. I have assured him that I will be incredibly cautious, I will wear an air jacket, etc. But I absolutely want to continue with this horse, who was a project for me and had been coming along nicely before this happened.

So obviously my question is, am I being unreasonable to want to carry on where I left off, albeit way more cautiously?

I am feeling very controlled at the moment, and it is damaging our relationship.

I would appreciate your honest opinions.

DementedUnicorn Fri 05-Aug-16 16:28:04

I would feel the same as your husband tbh. My DW is without doubt the most precious thing I have and if it was her I would be sick with worry if it was her.

HereIAm20 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:30:02

You should do it if you want to. After all would he tell you not to go in a car again if you'd been injured in a car crash

Santander1 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:30:39

Thank you demented sad

Santander1 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:33:45

No that is my 'argument' too HereIam. His point is that this horse is bad and determined to chuck me off. In reality I know that horses do not have some sort of malevolent intent, they are not capable of it, and that it was just an unfortunate circumstance that I should really have foreseen. I do not want to be riding a ploddy, dopey, granny could ride it horse. They are lovely horses and perfect for some people, but they're not for me.

wasonthelist Fri 05-Aug-16 16:34:35

There is no right answer is there? The only way to be 100% sure this won't happen again would be not to get back on. With that said, I hope I'd encourage you to get back on if you wanted as life is full of risks and we (IMHO) should do stuff to make the most of life as far as reasonable. I think the risks here are reasonable.

Santander1 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:36:28

Thank you wasonthelist

LadyV90 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:38:51

My opinion would be that accidents happen and you shouldn't let it stop you doing something you enjoy.

You've lived it and learned from it the chances of the same thing happening a second time are greatly reduced.

As Here said if you had done the same thing in a car would he want you to give up driving arguably a more dangerous pastime.

TuppencePenny Fri 05-Aug-16 16:38:55

I ride and YANBU. Crazy IMO to never ride a horse again because you've been thrown off it happens a lot. You're the experienced one you're acting responsibly and you know what you're doing. It's not as though the horse did anything particularly out of the ordinary, a bit of bucking for a fresh horse is fairly commonplace. Do what you know is right and take the necessary precautions and get back in the saddle. Ignore your DH.

Toria2014 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:39:11

I ride, so probably not the right person to ask, but if you feel confident enough on this horse and are taking reasonable precautions then in my opinion, its perfectly reasonable to get back on again.

We risk assess every time we get on the back of a horse. If it bucks you off again, you may have to reassess, as you had a bad accident and your husband is obviously concerned about you.

Personally I hate buckers, I can sit one, but thats it, I can't sit a rodeo! I don't have it in me to deal with it any more. My horse naps and rears, so I am working on my confidence to get back on again, I feel it was 'new horse three month in' testing problems and am going to give him another chance as I am really fond of him, and with a bit of firm riding I think we can easily get past it.

If you keep getting really hurt though, it might be time to move it on.

OhNoNotMyBaby Fri 05-Aug-16 16:39:54

The bit that bothers me here is that a) he won't give you his blessing and b) you're feeling incredibly controlled...

You don't need his blessing. As with any relationship there should be give and take, and you should consider each other's feelings. However, you are a grown woman, you know the risks, you know what you want to do. He should respect that.

Of course you're feeling controlled - because he is controlling you. Since he does not ride himself he is no position to tell you what you can or cannot do and which horse you can or cannot ride.

ateapotandacake Fri 05-Aug-16 16:41:22

So the fracture isn't that bad this time but next time it could be- that must be his perspective? Was he there when you fell? Did he have to come and see you in a brace in hospital and await scan results while people poked and prodded you? I'm not saying this to be dramatic but a broken back is a scary thing that he has obviously been upset by! Appreciate you realised the circumstances that caused the fall etc but horses are unpredictable creatures and it will be your husband who has to deal with it if something worse happens. It's not like you'll never ever fall off again.
I think YABU to get back on when he doesn't want you to put yourself at risk again, maybe he is really scared by what happened.

Missgraeme Fri 05-Aug-16 16:41:22

It is your decision to make regardless of that choice and your dh should support it whatever his personal feelings are about it.

ateapotandacake Fri 05-Aug-16 16:42:32

(Although wasonthelist makes good point too)

FetchezLaVache Fri 05-Aug-16 16:43:52

teapot - but by that reasoning, she should never be allowed to ride any horse, ever, just in case she falls off it!

Gallopingthundercunt Fri 05-Aug-16 16:45:11

Difficult really as your accident could have been so much worse and that is what your DH is imagining. I can see both sides clearly and can't see how it could be easily and happily resolved.

Funnily enough, DH and I were discussing today how I would love a motorbike but he would absolutely not sanction it due to my reckless nature and love of speed FWIW that is precisely the reason I've never given into temptation myself (as I would without a doubt end up killing myself) but I can see how I would resent, DH's attitude if I was less self aware grin

I think it's also difficult as riding is not like most other hobbies in the sense that it is all consuming, and you are emotionally attached to your horse in a way it's very hard to be with golf clubs or a bike.

Having said that, could you perhaps consider changing your horse? While you then have the issue of an unknown animal, your DH may feel happier that you're not riding the animal that caused you to have your accident.

I also vividly remember a male friend of mine who had almost managed to die on several occasions due to reckless riding of motorbikes until his DW demanded he either stop altogether or downgrade to a much smaller bike, as he was the father of two young DC. The immediate fallout was not pretty and he eventually ended up agreeing, but I imagine he would have been vilified on here if he had written your post <no help whatsoever>

HaPPy8 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:45:20

I'm sorry, I don't ride but I would feel the same as your husband.

BodsAuntieFlo Fri 05-Aug-16 16:46:04

I sold my beloved mare 8 months ago due to nearly identical reasons. I came to the conclusion that I had been incredibly selfish to my DH and DC who were all terrified it may be worse if there was a next time. I've been riding for 38 years and continue to do so on my other horses. I couldn't put my family through the worry and uncertainty of 'what if'. I don't mean to sound flippant (I too was very fond of my mare) but how do you know you're not going to be rushing in the future or perhaps don't have time to ride? You said your horse's circumstances have changed but what about yours? If he was under exercised then how are you going to change that? These are maybe some things you need to take into account as well.

acasualobserver Fri 05-Aug-16 16:46:29

Could you swap this horse for a still exciting but slightly less dangerous one?

Willyorwonte Fri 05-Aug-16 16:48:09

It's your life as it is together that could be at stake, if you fell and sadly had life changing injuries I can understand him feeling rather quite resentful I'm afraid. Your children are still young and need you.
It's your decision to ride but his responsibility if it goes wrong.

Santander1 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:51:13

I also struggle with the fact that he smokes, which is far more likely to result in death than my riding!

Gallopingthundercunt Fri 05-Aug-16 16:53:01

There you go then santander you give up riding, he gives up smoking wink

Graceflorrick Fri 05-Aug-16 16:54:28

When I was a child, one of my neighbours died in a Horse Riding accident. I also have other friends who ride and all of them have been injured to varying levels at one point or another. One friend suffered a brain injury and needed to be airlifted to hospital last year! I cannot understand why anyone would participate in such a risky hobby. I know that isn't what you want to hear though, sorry flowers

OneArt Fri 05-Aug-16 16:56:05

This is a tricky one - I can see both points of view.

My PIL loves his motorbike. He was involved in a crash and was injured - not too severely, but he was lucky - it could have been a lot worse. My MIL wasn't very happy about him carrying on riding his motorbike, but she'd never have forbidden it. That was years ago, he still rides his motorbike and hasn't had another accident since.

At the end of the day, you're an adult and he does not have the right to make this decision for you. However, I can understand his concern and I feel you should be sensitive to that. Is there any compromise you can find which would make him feel more comfortable?

FenellaMaxwell Fri 05-Aug-16 16:59:37

I rode from the age of 3 and have only had to stop because I just can't afford it. Over the years I have broken wrists, had concussions etc. Yes, it's dangerous. HOWEVER, I have also broken my wrist falling over on the bus when it stopped suddenly and been concussed when I was hit by a taxi on a pedestrian crossing. I am not about to stop taking the bus or walking. Take precautions, listen to your intuition and maybe arrange for you and the horse to be schooled together by an instructor for a bit, but don't give up something you love!

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