AIBU so hurt by SILs behaviour(43 Posts)
I've NC as I'm just getting so torn over this I feel one day I'll burst and say something but I would feel so bad to say anything.
By background my SIL lives nearby she has a chronic life limiting illness. Day to day to the outside world you would not physically see it. She has two children and a husband who works. Behind the scenes so to speak she has a lot of drugs and treatments during the day.
I belive because of this life limiting illness her parents and family generally not live in fear but are very very cautious of anything that will cause her health problems or exacerbate her illness. This makes sense.
I live nearby with two small children and I have no family nearby and DH works long hours. I'm often alone. We have kids a similar age and well I would love to do more togther.
MiL and SIL spend pretty much every day together. SiL's kids stay at their grandparents a lot 3-4 times a week so mIL can help SIL stay healthy and strong. MIL does a lot of their cooking and cleaning. (I don't want any of this by the way). All I want is for once for my MiL and FIL to see my kids weeks can pass by and we live even closer than SIL. Mil will sometimes invite us round but SIL is always there. Often not an issue by my kids never get time with their grandparents. ILaws take SIL and her kids on holiday. Often subbing them quite significantly this I'm not bothered about either. Sometimes we are invited but locations are expensive even if we were helped we still couldn't afford it. My kids miss out.
I try hard with my SIL but I think for various reasons she's hard to get close to. Organises things with her own friends and well I feel lonely. I have my friends but I grew up very close to my GParents I always wanted that for my kids. My father passed away my mother lives far away
SIL is always abrupt with me and uses me when she has no one else around. MIL is a great person but she doesn't have time for us beacaue of her daughters health issues. I just feel sad. And I feel iABU because I don't have a life shortening disease I should just get on. My eldest child is more aware now and sees the treatment the other GCs get and it confuses them.
AIBU right? I should just get on with it. SIL is known to be a selfish person my DH has said she's always been like that and because of her illness incredibly spoilt. I just needed to rant really. I feel bad for not just getting on
PS SIL is always rude to me often says nasty things. I can't be doing with that around my kids.
I think it sounds like your SIL is not going to be your friend. Not her fault or yours. So I think, don't expect that. Are you a bit lonely? That's horrible to deal with. Put your efforts into making friends among others in your community, possibly volunteering at your kids' school or elsewhere could be a way to meet others.
As for your MIL, I think you might be a bit unreasonable. She is watching her daughter die. It's incredibly hard for her, and in those circumstances you have to make allowances for less than perfect behaviour. Normally spending more time and money on one set of GCs would be incredibly unfair, but these particular GCs are going to lose their mother - they probably need a lot of support, and a close relationship with other family members, and it's also natural that their GM would want to treat them, as she'll probably have little other idea about their loss.
It might seem unfair that those kids are getting more GM time/money, but ultimately it's also unfair that they're about to lose their mum. They'd obviously prefer her to get better than all the holidays (I know you weren't implying otherwise), and conversely, your kids get to keep their parents safe and well.
I think it would be fine to invite MIL to see your kids and suggest that they love seeing her etc. However, I'd really avoid putting too much pressure on her, she must be under so much stress, and she doesn't need to be told she's neglecting her other GCs at this time in her life. I think that you are going to have to accept that at this point all her time and energy is going to be taken up by that side of the family. Your DC will be able to build a relationship with her later, and luckily she seems to be a kind and generous person so that should be fine.
As for explaining what's going on to your kids - do they know about the illness? Surely it can be explained to them in an age-sensitive way that auntie is very ill and so granny has to look after her and her kids a lot more, and that it doesn't mean she loves them any less, just that the other family are having a really hard time and really need her at the moment.
Well you'd have to be pretty stupid yourself to be jealous of someone who has a life limiting illness, surely? Even if this illness gets them so much attention and makes her "incredibly spoilt".
I can't imagine why she's rude to you? Maybe she thinks you are quite a selfish, thoughtless and stupid person to be so jealous of someone who is going to die and leave her DC without their mother. But your concern is for yourself, and your kids "missing out" on holidays as you don't have a terminal illness yourself.
Really, read your OP again and seriously imagine being in her shoes, if you have the empathy and intelligence to do so. She is seriously ill and she is going to die prematurely. But you just want to make it all about you.
One thing being ill has taught me is not to bother with people who are self obsessed twats. The only people in my life now are genuinely kind and thoughtful people who are real friends. Perhaps your SIL is the same.
And it's pretty obvious why you've name changed btw. It's a bit cowardly isn't it?
This can not be serious.
My own mum does more for my sil (dbros wife) than for me because sil has a disability.
They need more support. And yes your mil is probably trying to compensate for the fact that her Dd will die and the children would lose their mother.
I honestly can not believe anyone would say And I feel iABU because I don't have a life shortening disease I should just get on.
Also you said My eldest child is more aware now and sees the treatment the other GCs get and it confuses them.
if they are old enough to notice, their are old enough to have the full situation explained. They are confused because you haven't explained what's happening and why things are the way they are.
I understand where your coming from.
Could you cook for MIL one night? Arrange it for when she's finished helping SIL and explain you want to take some weight off her and cook her a nice meal, give her a little break, it would also mean she got to spend an hour with your DCs but it hasn't taken her away from her own daughter still
I'm sure the break from cooking would be welcomed by her, but I think you need to bite your tongue and somehow accept that for reasons beyond your control your DCs can't have a really close relationship with thei DGM right now, I'm sure when DCs are older they will completely understand why.
life limiting could mean anything though. I have a life limiting condition. Originally told 60 was my limit (no pension hmmm). Now with medical advances told maybe much older.
I am in a very similar situation, although my SIL does not have a life limiting illness or disability.
It's frustrating that your children are treated as second class (and I can empathise with you). But I have noticed that's it a very common thing these days for MiLs to treat their daughters and sons children differently. I've come to accept that, and I just think it's their loss.
I dont think op was seriously wishing she could be ill (i hope not anyway). Its just that she wants a bit of a look in and for her kids to get some attention.
It is very unfair that the other GC may lose their parent soon but that shouldn't mean that the OPs DC should forgo a relationship with their Grandparents because of this. There is hopefully enough love to go round them all.
I agree with notjustheirmum about cooking the meal. Do it as a family thing when your kids can stay up and eat with their Granny.
It would be best for all the children to be treated equally, or as equally as possible under the circumstances. If anything were to happen to SIL then her DCs would benefit from a close family around them, including their cousins, and the MIL has some power to keep the family together not create a divide. So to those saying OP is being unreasonable, try to see it that there is trouble being caused where there need be none.
You mention SIL has friends that she goes out with. Can you not visit your PILs then?
You are seriously comparing and whinging about someone who is so ill? Shame on you. That's your mil daughter, you don't come close so stop competing with her. Off Course they are more involved with her life and so her DC too, she's ill!
You say your mil is lovely, so she's not doing this intentionally. Also your sil doesn't have to be your friend.
how rude Amelie
OP may not come close but her DCs are exactly the same relation to her MIL!
I think OP is more concerned for her children not herself and as a mother has every right to want what is best for her children and in her case that is having a relationship with the GM! I see why the others are closer but that is no excuse for her MIL not to see OPs children for even an hour a week is it? Surely MIL should have a relationship with them still?
I get the impression op understands her sil getting the lions share of attention and support, but it must be hard to see your family almost ignored.
Plus suffering does not make people sweet and noble. It can make an unpleasant person really mean.
PiLs are going to lose their daughter, who is struggling through life with a serious illness. Of course she is their main focus, and it sounds like they're doing everything they can to support her financially and with caring for her children. It's a bit sad you feel done down that they're not giving the same to your lucky enough to be healthy family.
* If anything were to happen to SIL then her DCs would benefit from a close family around them, including their cousins, and the MIL has some power to keep the family together not create a divide. So to those saying OP is being unreasonable, try to see it that there is trouble being caused where there need be none.*
the only person creating a divide is the OP. Is this illness fair? Is it fair sils life is limited? Is it fair it impacts her children? No.
Life's not fair. What the OP could do, is be grateful she is not ill and understand that fair and equal aren't always the same thing.
Plus suffering does not make people sweet and noble. It can make an unpleasant person really mean.
And it can make the nicest, noblest person exhausted, bitter, miserable and very very pissed off. It beats you down. I speak from horrible experience. Some days its hard enough to get through the next hour at all, never mind to be sweetness and light.
That still doesn't mean that others wont be hurt by the behaviour.
I get it OP and I think everyone here knows just how hard it can be to watch someone die slowly and just how hard it is to feel left out and treated differently. Illness or not.
Those children who will probably lose their mum are going to need all of the family to help raise and support them. The OP is their family too and both sets of kids are going to need each other. Fostering a relationship between the too really should happen because aside from MIL and their uncle the OP's kids will be the closest relatives to their mum iyswim.
Its not just the MIL who is losing a daughter or the kids a mum but the OPs husband is losing a sister and the OPs kids will lose their aunt.
It seems like they have built up walls around themselves. Maybe as a way of pretending the inevitable isn't going to happen.
Its a shame your family are left out but I have no advice how you could or even if you should bring it up.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.