To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

(301 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:42:39

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

AddictedtoGreys Fri 05-Aug-16 12:44:18

Can you go with them too?

almostthirty Fri 05-Aug-16 12:44:28

But you're expecting your dh to go a week without seeing him. What's the difference?

Writerwannabe83 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:47:14

I can't go as I'm working.

almostthirty - the difference is thar Butlins is only a two hour drive away whereas my DH is taking DS abroad. DH is away from DS quite frequently for a week at a time (lots of school trips abroad) whereas I have never been away from him for longer than 48 hours.

LunaLoveg00d Fri 05-Aug-16 12:48:19

Completely unreasonable - you are fine with taking your child away without his Dad, but Dad isn't allowed to do the same?

This is all about you and your insecurities and not about the child, who will have a whale of a time having one to one time with Dad. All this "tears in my eyes" and "I just can't bear the thought" - it's FIVE DAYS IN SPAIN not six months in Syria.

In the politest way possible, get a grip.

Eatthecake Fri 05-Aug-16 12:49:19

You are expecting to take ds away for a week without DH seeing him, so why it's different when he wants to take him?

Yes of course you will miss your ds but he will have a lovely time with daddy and have a special little bonding time.

Sometimes as Mums we like to think our children will not be ok without us but most times children are Absouletly fine unless they see Mum make a big fuss and they are espically fine when with a good caring daddy.

With mine and my DH job we have often taken the children away without the other parents due to work commitments that is just the way it has to be.
Tbh if your working while they are way it does honestly fly by in no time

LunaLoveg00d Fri 05-Aug-16 12:49:32

OMG abroad! That big scary place which is "all foreign" and where dreadful things happen to responsible Dads and their toddlers! hmm

PeachBellini123 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:49:53

Not being rude OP but do you work or have any hobbies? I'm sure you'll miss him but it sounds incredibly unfair not to let your son and OH have a holiday because of how you feel. You son will probably be having far too much fun to be thinking of you and crying. What if your hubby said he wasn't happy for you to go to Butlins with ds?

thesnailandthewhale Fri 05-Aug-16 12:50:36

I understand you will miss ds as he is young, will you miss dh too as you've not mentioned it? smile

MaudGonneMad Fri 05-Aug-16 12:50:40

Don't you usually work a few long days during the week anyway, so it's only 2/3 extra days you won't see your DS?

willconcern Fri 05-Aug-16 12:50:55

Sorry but I think YABU. Why shouldn't your DH take his son away.

I think you are being over the top. This is your issue, and you're projecting it onto your son. It sounds a bit suffocating.

TheUltimate Fri 05-Aug-16 12:51:32

Yeah I'm with Luna on this one.

You haven't really considered your DH or DS, its all about how you feel.

Let them go and have fun!

Writerwannabe83 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:52:14

Sometimes as Mums we like to think our children will not be ok without us but most times children are Absouletly fine unless they see Mum make a big fuss and they are espically fine when with a good caring daddy.

This is exactly it!!

I'm not jealous of them going away together and I'm certainly not stopping them, I know DS will be fine and have a lovely time but I still feel really upset about it. I'm just going to miss him so much.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 05-Aug-16 12:53:57

It'll be good for you all, and the thought will be a lot worse than the reality. Hide your unhappiness and help them plan. It's only 5 nights, not even a full week.

TimeforaNNChange Fri 05-Aug-16 12:54:14

Yes, you're being unreasonable and it's essential that you get a handle on this before your DS gets older.

I've seen mums of 9-10 year olds wailing as their DCs go off on a school residential trip.

In the nicest possible way get a grip and acknowledge that your DS is an independent human being whose needs as a child can be adequately met by adults other than yourself.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:54:27

I understand you will miss ds as he is young, will you miss dh too as you've not mentioned it? grin

I'm used to DH being away for a week at a time with work so it's nothing new grin

LuchiMangsho Fri 05-Aug-16 12:54:35

In the nicest possible way, this sounds a bit OTT. It's 5 days. It's Spain. It will be fantastic for DS. It will be fantastic for DS and DH's relationship.

I took DS to Asia for 6 weeks last summer when I was working. DH missed him but he didn't stop me because he would fall apart. Then DH took him to Boston for a family wedding for 10 days without me. Again, I missed him, but he had a fab time, and it was great for them. And great for DS's confidence. I genuinely don't see the problem.

MauledbytheTigers Fri 05-Aug-16 12:55:40

In the nicest possible way OP, it sounds like it would be a really good thing for you all. Your son will always be more attached to you if you're the one that's always there and your insecurities about him not being with you will only grow more the older he gets before spending time away from each other.

This sounds like a lovely opportunity for dad and son to have time together and for your son not to be wholly reliant on you. It needs to happen at some point as hard as it is. Your son may at first be anxious without you, but he ll have his dad with him so, assuming you trust DH, will be fine.

NickiFury Fri 05-Aug-16 12:55:49

I'd feel the same and not sure why certain posters have to be so dismissive and unpleasant about it. It's perfectly OK to feel this way and want to talk about it. Personally I don't trust my children's father with them because he drinks massively and they have autism and need a lot of support. Would be fab to fab to have another sensible adult to co-parent with and know that I can trust them completely with my children. Try to think of it like that smile

BitOutOfPractice Fri 05-Aug-16 12:56:59

* I don't know if I will be able to cope*

OP I am meaning this with kindness but this is completely OTT and not healthy for you or your son.

NeedACleverNN Fri 05-Aug-16 12:57:25

Sounds like a fantasy opportunity for father and child bonding time.

You would be very unreasonable if you protest about it.

You can be a bit upset and miss them but don't let your son know that.

thesnailandthewhale Fri 05-Aug-16 13:00:15

I know you are at work but maybe start planning some things for you while they're away - a night out with some friends, maybe the theatre or cinema one night? Go shopping and buy yourself some naice meals for one, enjoy having a clean and tidy house for a few days without the normal routine. 5 days will fly by especially if you are at work.

I agree with a pp, there is nothing worse than seeing parents of 10 year olds wailing when they go on a school residential as they have never been away from Mum before, this will be a good experience for all of you x

LunaLoveg00d Fri 05-Aug-16 13:01:15

I'd feel the same and not sure why certain posters have to be so dismissive and unpleasant about it

Your situation Nicki is completely different. Of course one parent wouldn't be happy about a child with additional needs going off with a heavy drinker. Saying you would feel the same is comparing apples with oranges.

The OP has given NO indication that her husband is anything but competent and capable. It's all about HER and HER feelings, not about Dad and the child.

And also yes to getting a grip now rather than being the pathetic mother wailing as their 11 year old heads off on a residential because their ickle lickle pickle has never been away from mumsy overnight. And the child is either totally embarrassed or equally neurotic.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 05-Aug-16 13:05:12

Thank you everyone, I know I just need to suck it up as I know DS will be fine as DH is a fantastic dad.

I'm trying to focus on the positives of 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep and I'm hoping it may stop DS from BF'ing too. Plus it's 5 days without having to watch any sport. Plus, it won't be me having to deal with a toddler during a two hour flight....

Trinpy Fri 05-Aug-16 13:07:27

Yanbu to feel like this at all! He's only 2 ffs and this will be the first time he's away from you for this long. Its hardly the same as a 10 year old going away on a residential trip.

I posted in aibu about a year ago when my Dh wanted to take our 1yr old abroad without me and got similar replies. The trip didn't happen in the end and in hindsight I think he was way to young. They're doing the trip this year instead for 5 nights when ds will be 2.5. I will miss him like crazy and have all kinds of irrational worries about it but ultimately I know he'll have a great time and I'll enjoy the break!

It will be fine smile.

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