To want to just take the kids on holiday without DH from now on

(45 Posts)
FramptonRose Thu 04-Aug-16 22:41:33

So as not to drop feed, currently on holiday (well visiting family) with DH and three DC's.
DH has a very stressful job, he runs a small company, he works long long hours and even when we are away he has to be completely contactable.
He has spent the best part of this week on the phone (as I expected), unfortunately there were a few jobs coming to an end. It's not something we can ever plan for as when we book to go, for a few months down the line, we do not know what will come up, work wise.
He has been out a few nights with his family, which I do not begrudge and would actively encourage him to do, so he can destress but I also did point out I don't want to be left alone every evening.
Fast forward to tonight, we grabbed a takeaway, put kids to bed, he was on the phone for ages, in this time I started watching a programme, he got off the phone, programme had about 10 minutes left, he started bombarding me with questions about it. I probably did snap a bit (I am exhausted - as you can imagine away with three young DC's). I got his response which was 'what was the point in him staying in to watch me watching TV'
I just feel in the last few years, I dread a family holiday, always stressful, on eggshells around him and always trying to make sure he is having a good holiday and relaxing.
In fairness he always says I should stop worrying about him, he wants me to have a nice holiday with the kids etc, it just feels like when we are actually away, I can't wait to get home and get back into my routine with the kids.
I feel like I may as well being the kids away next time, wouldn't have to worry about him stressing about going away in the middle of a project, about him being moody or siting there while he literally spends half (if not more)) of the day on the phone!

FramptonRose Thu 04-Aug-16 22:43:19

Drip feed not drop feed

Sprink Thu 04-Aug-16 22:45:40

To me it sounds like the two of you need a holiday together, away from the kids, his family, and his work.

annandale Thu 04-Aug-16 22:47:44

That sounds grim.

Could you afford a holiday where you and the children go for two weeks and he comes for one week? And for the love of God do your inlaws have to be there?

What is his timescale on building a team that can function without him being on the phone 24/7?

rollonthesummer Thu 04-Aug-16 22:51:28

Did you say to him-give me ten minutes-this program has nearly finished?

ThomasRichard Thu 04-Aug-16 22:52:43

YANBU, I had this with STBexH and have found holidays without him much less hard work, even camping on my own with very small children, generally because there's no expectation that another adult will help so I don't feel resentful.

I agree with the pps asking whether you could go on holiday with the DC for 2 weeks and he comes for one (or a weekend) and asking about when he plans to have the business function without him for a few days.

FramptonRose Thu 04-Aug-16 23:02:42

Thank you for the replies.
Tbh we are in the same town as his family but are also going to be visiting my family who live about an hour away.
We are staying in our own apartment so not in the same house as anything (can you imagine the awkward silence from the in laws shock) I actually get on really well with his family and am very close with all of his female cousins, meeting for coffee and shopping etc, but obviously still want to have some quality family time with DH and the kids, as this is so rare when we are home due to his work.
Tbh if he was a bit more organised he could have one of the guys running everything without him having to be on the phone but he finds it hard to relinquish control. I completely get that he has worked his backside off and he is very good to me and the children.
We have a very 'traditional' set up, I am a SAHP (although I do his book keeping- a few hours a week)
I cook, clean, all child related stuff - school visits, uniform buying, homework, extra curricular activities), as much as he needs a break, I also need a bit of a break, I just feel like we are butting heads at the moment sad

FramptonRose Thu 04-Aug-16 23:03:50

Rollonthesummer - I said that to him.

FramptonRose Thu 04-Aug-16 23:06:36

Funnily enough, I was thinking today (if we can even afford to go away next year) I may suggest going away alone and letting him join us if and when he can. It just feels so sad, I know I shouldn't compare, I just feel like everyone else I know goes away with their family as a mum, dad and kids, I feel a little bit sad thinking this would be our option from now on.

FoxesOnSocks Thu 04-Aug-16 23:09:27

Out of interest, when he's out with his family does he sound the whole / a lot of his time on calls?

FramptonRose Thu 04-Aug-16 23:14:22

FoxesonSocks - it is in the evening he has gone out with them, so he may well be on a call or two but can't imagine him sitting there the entire time on the phone.
I am actually used to the phenomenal amount of time he spends on the phone, to the point, I pre apologise to people if we have people round/ visiting family that he has to be on the phone so much due to work.

ThomasRichard Thu 04-Aug-16 23:55:42

So he could avoid the constant calls but chooses not to? That's selfish and it's behaviour that needs to be addressed. Even the CEO of the huge company I work for is uncontactable when he's on holiday with his family and I have urgent documents that need his signature angry and everyone just gets on with it.

Onthecouchagain Fri 05-Aug-16 07:12:03

That phone needs turning off, that is the long and the short of it.
I run a business myself and it is hard but sometimes, like the occasional family holiday, the phone and the emails can go unanswered.

IceRoadDucker Fri 05-Aug-16 08:08:30

YANBU. The best solution would be for you to go away as a family without the phone, but it sounds like your husband would (unreasonably) refuse.

FiveMoreMinutesPlease Fri 05-Aug-16 08:15:51

My DH is usually available to work when on holiday. It's project work so deadlines can't be avoided. When we know it's going to be the case we agree a time in the day when he can catch up on emails (he gets hundreds a day) /calls for a hour then the rest of his day is with us. This saves me watching him getting more and more stressed throughout the holiday. Which then in turn makes me very snappy. We are going away in a few days and I think we will be having to do this again.

timelytess Fri 05-Aug-16 08:18:46

Sounds to me like you need to see the back of him. You don't like him and he can't be arsed with the family.

GeorgeTheThird Fri 05-Aug-16 08:22:56

Voicemail.

He doesn't need to be on call all hours, he's just got into the habit. He needs to get out of it.

Nerris Fri 05-Aug-16 08:32:50

I have a not dissimilar situation although my husband is not glued to his phone whilst we are away fortunately. Its actually getting him to book a holiday in the first place i have issue with as there is "never the right time".

What about booking a holiday over xmas? Most people/businesses wind down at that time and it might be a good time to go from your DH's pov? A few days after boxing day or something, the canaries have good weather and are only a 4 hour flight.

I am also considering taking the dc away in spring to center parcs or similar for a week on my own, as otherwise they just dont get a holiday until the last week of August.
Could youdo something similar and invite your parents to give you a hand?

Nerris Fri 05-Aug-16 08:34:56

Also pre-recorded voicemail message and out of office email reply are practical solutions to get him off the phone with an alternative number/email to contact (someone else in the office?).

FramptonRose Fri 05-Aug-16 08:43:13

Thank you all for the practice advice.
Nerris- some great tips there, I have never considered going away over Christmas so we will need to have a look into that as he is often at home over the Christmas period.
He has apologised this morning and we have had a good chat over breakfast. Unfortunately one of the jobs he has on at the moment is a nightmare job and we literally fly home one evening and he has to be at the job with directors having it signed off first thing the next morning so he is having to heavily rely on the guys at home that it is being done properly.
I will have a think about times of year we book holidays and talking to him about the phone contact to see how we can make us all happier smile

FramptonRose Fri 05-Aug-16 08:44:05

Practical not practice

blitheringbuzzards1234 Fri 05-Aug-16 08:50:48

This sounds horrible for all of you Frampton and no doubt you all need a break. His job sounds too stressful for words. Some advice I heard, 'never mistake your job for your life' - he won't lie on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time in the office. Does he really have to work so very hard? Couldn't he delegate some of it to a trusty second-in-command?

ApocalypseSlough Fri 05-Aug-16 08:52:43

I was going to suggest Christmas too. We've gone away once for Christmas proper, which was lovely and very much a one off and now have our main family holiday just after/ over New Year. Quiet time at work for Dh- project based- and very efficient in terms of taking annual leave for both of us.
This summer we're not away en famille at all- the DCs are away on various holidays with friends and family/ volunteering overseas/ NCS/ courses and DH has taken 2 of them on a holiday I wouldn't love- we're all missing each other but it sounds like a running joke is Mum would hate this, would she have blown yet wink? It's also cheaper without me as they're in one rooms (travelling) and I'm getting a lot done at work.
And oversees helps- somehow it's easier to switch off when you're not in the same country.

ApocalypseSlough Fri 05-Aug-16 08:56:22

I'm on a roll now. The cheapest holidayish place oversees is Malta. We've been three times after Christmas and it's lovely and bright, loads for children to do, very friendly and feels very foreign.

runslikethewind Fri 05-Aug-16 08:57:49

I run a business with my Dh and have done so for the past 6 years, during those 6 years we have had two One week holidays and a couple of long week ends away. The weeks away we have been lucky that staffing issues have gone well, but we're such a small company that if one calls in sick, or leaves in the lead up to a holiday or weekend away the buck stops with us to fill the gap because the other staff are already working extra to cover that period, so we would either have to cancel or one of us stay behind.
We planned a weekend away earlier this year and gave about 9 months notice to staff and a family member who said they would fill in the gaps. Two days before the family member forgot about it couldn't cover and another member of staff feel very ill. We did manage to get away but it was a huge struggle and very stressful inspite of trying to organise it well in advance and to be honest if we hadn't spent so much money I wound have knocked it on the head it took all the shine off the break.
Staffing to cover this is good when it's in place and working well but sickness, staff handing notice in and leaving the week before your due to go away (which has also happened) and others letting you down in such a small company is a nightmare.
I have gained so much from running a business, but it's a thankless job and unless you've done it, no one not even those close to you ever understand the responsibility that lies in your shoulders for the success or failure of the business, and you also understand the difference between being the employer and the employed, it's huge even between those employed who are dedicated and ambitious.
I appreciate your frustration but please try and make it work for you, it will go against the grain but your husband finding a team to cover him will not be as easy as you think it could take quite some time to build a team like that, and money to keep them which in turn spends the business money which he could be saving for retirement and your future etc.
Like I say unless you've been there, no disrespect but you'll never fully get why it is the way it is.

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