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AIBU?

AIBU to plan to give my baby my surname and not my partners?

99 replies

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 16:38

Hi,

I'm due my first baby with my DP later this year and although I know it might not go down very well, I'm planning on giving the baby my surname. We're not married obviously and although that may change at one point (he's making no promises) it's not on the cards in the very near future. I just don't want to have a different surname than my child.

I feel IANBU as the tradition of giving a fathers surname is usually due to marriage but just checking I'm not just being stubborn or difficult on what is the expected/done thing. Unfortunately double barrelling would be a mouthful as it would end up very long.

Thanks!!

OP posts:

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heateallthebuns · 04/08/2016 16:42

Yanbu.

Do you want to get married? Why is it not on cards?

It's up to you, if you're going to be doing most child related things doctors, schools, travel etc then easier to have same surname.

There's two surnames to choose from so why should his take priority.

TheoriginalLEM · 04/08/2016 16:43

I cannot for one minute think why you would give his name! i am not married to dp and the thought never occurred to me to give her anything other than my name.

ps - you don't have to give up your name if you get married either.

blueturtle6 · 04/08/2016 16:45

Yanbu, if you get married he can change his name, or.can just change by deed poll

KatharinaRosalie · 04/08/2016 16:48

Yanbu, very reasonable. Aspecially, as pp said, if you will be the one mostly dealing with any child-related issues.

RaeSkywalker · 04/08/2016 16:49

YANBU.

AStreetcarNamedBob · 04/08/2016 16:49

Good idea. YANBU AT ALL

ThatStewie · 04/08/2016 16:51

It's perfectly normal and reasonable. If your DP is bothered, he can always change his name to yours.

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 16:52

Thanks! I will be doing the majority of the child related things, so felt it's easier! I also heard there can sometimes be a bit of confusion if you're travelling alone with a child with a different surname.

I would like to get married but due to my age, it felt more practical to start with babies as there were no guarantees it would happen if we put it off. We've had chats about marriage in the past and he knows that I would like to be married in the not too distant future. We were kind of focusing on the baby stuff and now I know it happened fairly quickly for us, I'm wishing I'd held out for a ring!!

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rollonthesummer · 04/08/2016 16:52

Yanbu. Has your partner assumed that his name will be used or has it not been discussed?

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 16:55

Thanks everyone!! That's how I feel but I do get some funny looks if I mention it to people. I know he just kind of expects me to use his and I know he'll be annoyed when I say no.

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toomanypasswords · 04/08/2016 16:56

When I had DD1, my plan was always to give her DPs surname. Then she was born and I hated the thought if not having the same name as her. DP suggested giving her mine but I wanted her to have a 'link' to both of us, so we double-barrelled. Now have DD2 too. If we marry, we can our change all our names but, having lived with the double-barrelled name for the last few years, I'm tempted to leave theirs as I'd and take that too...

davos · 04/08/2016 16:57

It's not an easy one. I totally get you wanting the child to have your name, but I would understand if your dp wanted the same.

There is no right or wrong answer to this.

I am not sure about it being 'tradition' to give the mans names, anymore. Every unmarried woman I know with kids have given the kids her name or double barrelled it.

However have you really thought about the marriage thing. Will you really be ok if in 10 years you still aren't married?

Pearlman · 04/08/2016 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smoothieooo · 04/08/2016 16:58

DS1 originally had my name as I was adamant that I wanted us to have the same surname. DS2 had his dad's surname - but when we eventually married, I was able to apply for a new birth certificate for DS1 so that we all had the same surname.... although ex-H turned out to be such a twatbandit that I wish I'd stuck to my guns so that DC and I had my surname

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 16:58

rollonthesummer we discussed it a while back, before trying and I was adamant I wouldn't have a different name to my child. He kind of laughed it off with "you'll follow later" as I think he thinks he'll be able to change my mind. To be honest I've been avoiding bringing it up as I know we won't agree. It's so easy to change if we do get married!

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HeCantBeSerious · 04/08/2016 17:00

Our DC have DH's surname and mine as a second middle name. (I didn't change my name on marriage - there's no reason you should/have to.)

I've travelled all over the place with them and never had an issue due to different surnames (although mine is on their passports so I suppose the link is simpler). Nobody has ever been confused about it.

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:04

davos no I won't be but I'll cross that bridge if we come to it!

pearlman I think that's going to be my argument when we do discuss it. I understand he'll feel the same way as I do and want his child to have his surname but I feel that is m his hands, he knows how I feel.

toomanypasswords double barrel would be a great compromise but they're both 3 syllables and it really sounds a bit much.

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/08/2016 17:06

It is incredibly easy to change a childs surname when you re register after marriage to the biological father even if done years and years later.

It's almost impossible to change it to the mothers after initially using the fathers if he has PR and is not agreeable without a court order (and lots fail to obtain a court order unless they are double barreling).

I wouldn't use a fathers name unless it was also mine

indieblack · 04/08/2016 17:07

I'm married, kept my name and double barreled DC it never occurred to me not to pass my name onto my children. It's a shame that in 2016 you feel like it's weird or you need reassurance that your name is of equal value to your partner.

If you care about tradition, babies were traditionally given their mother's name- which tended to be the father's name as it was Mum's married name. Giving a child a different surname is relatively new.

Go with your gut. I know a few mum's who've confided their regret in losing their maiden name or not passed their name on.

rollonthesummer · 04/08/2016 17:08

I would discuss it with him soon though.

indieblack · 04/08/2016 17:09

Apologies for rogue apostrophe. Thanks phone!

NewUser2016 · 04/08/2016 17:10

needs thanks, this is all reaffirming that I'm being reasonable. My surname is also much nicer

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se22mother · 04/08/2016 17:10

Travelling alone with dc who have a different surname can be st residue to officious customs clerks

VestalVirgin · 04/08/2016 17:11

He kind of laughed it off with "you'll follow later" as I think he thinks he'll be able to change my mind.

I don't like this incredibly egoistic attitude. He wants the child to have his surname without marrying you, and thinks he will change your mind, despite your decision being a very sensible, reasonable one? Why does he think he is entitled to that?
Perhaps it is better if you don't marry him.

Definitely NOT give the child his surname. Whyever would you do that? Traditionally, children have always had the mother's surname. It is very easy to change to his surname if you take his name after marrying him ... but he could just take your surname, too!

spidey66 · 04/08/2016 17:12

My cousin's married, but her daughter has her surname. Her husband hates his surname and wouldn't want their child lumbered with it.

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