to think jealousy is a normal emotion and OK?

(16 Posts)
faceymcfuckface Mon 01-Aug-16 22:21:37

I don't mean all the time. If you were jealous all the time, that would be awful

But time and time again I see people on MN post a thread about how they're jealous of something or someone and then they get torn to pieces for it. Comments like :

'Ugh you're so bitter! Get over it!'

Or

'No one likes the green eyed monster! You sound very jealous.'

Or

'What a nice friend/sister/daughter you are being JEALOUS hmm'

and similar.

No it's not a nice emotion to have, but neither is anger, or resentment, or vitriol or sadness, and a myriad of other things. But that never seems to get quite the same reaction

Surely by posting in this supposed safe space (hahaha!) the poster is taking the first step in addressing their jealousy and all of the emotions and feelings that go with it? In real life if I told someone I was jealous of something or someone my friends/family wouldn't jump on me in quite the same way, nor me on them

There just seems to be this notion on MN that if you're jealous you're a bad person when in reality I think it's something we all feel sometimes for a myriad of reasons. And like other feelings, you have to experience them rather than simply being able to 'get over it' simply.

AIBU?

Is this just an MN thing Or am I missing something?

EveOnline2016 Mon 01-Aug-16 22:34:32

Yanbu it's ok to feel any emotion as long as the negative emotions don't rule your life.

SquinkiesRule Mon 01-Aug-16 22:37:24

It's not a very attractive emotion is it. It may be normal but it's how it manifests itself that might not be that normal.
We all feel a pang of it at some point in life, most brush it off and get on with life.
It's the ones who let it colour their life and affect other aspects of their life that aren't acting normally.
Coming on here to have a moan about something you are jealous of is a healthy way of getting over it to me.

U2HasTheEdge Mon 01-Aug-16 22:37:49

YANBU

Sometimes I think many members on MN don't ever feel envy, jealousy or insecurity.

They are either very lucky or not human grin

Feelings aren't wrong, it's what you do with them that counts.

turtlesallthewaydown Mon 01-Aug-16 22:39:07

YANBU
Was thinking the same thing myself today.

VelvetSpoon Mon 01-Aug-16 22:43:33

I'm envious of loads of people at various points, from the 20 something girls in my office with great hair, to friends with better jobs than me and more income, to unknown people who live in beautifully decorated and furnished houses I'd love to own (and have the style to create), to people who have a real talent, be it music, art, dance, sport, etc.

But mostly it's a passing pang, I remind myself of what I have, and am good at, and get on with my life.

I think it's pretty normal, and actually jealousy/ envy in moderate amounts can be a driver to success, so long as it doesn't become overwhelming and take over your life.

Bettercallsaul1 Mon 01-Aug-16 22:52:43

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy.
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
the meat it feeds on."

As ever, the Bard nails it. grin

YabuDabbaDoo Mon 01-Aug-16 23:17:02

"Envy" is a good word here. Not quite the same as jealousy.

I can tell a friend that I am envious of her lovely new house to communicate that I really like it, but also that it is rightfully hers.

If I tell her I'm jealous of her new house, that has a more spiteful feeling to it.

If I feel the green-eyed monster, I ask myself whether it's jealousy or envy. Usually it's the latter.

RestlessTraveller Mon 01-Aug-16 23:36:35

YABU for even to suggest that MN is a 'safe space'.

augustwashout Mon 01-Aug-16 23:40:11

No Of course Jealously doesn't make you a bad person.
But I believe its a useless emotion we can all live without, and it means you envy some one but you never ever know what that person is going thru unless you are them . its pointless.

ollieplimsoles Mon 01-Aug-16 23:44:53

Is it right that envy is when you would like to have what someone else has, and jealousy is when you want to have it but also don't want them to have it either? That's why I always thought jealousy was a bit nastier than envy.

I think its one thing to want what someone has- a little envy can be productive. For instance, being envious of a friend's promotion could spur you on to improve yourself at work.
But jealousy suggests that you don't like a person for having what you want, like they don't deserve it as much as you do.

I don't think thats ever healthy really, thinking like that will just drag you down and blame others for what you haven't got in your life.

I try and avoid it as much as I can

DotForShort Mon 01-Aug-16 23:52:46

It is a perfectly ordinary human emotion. But It is one that is worth fighting against. I really dislike the idea that we are helplessly in thrall to our emotions.

It does annoy me to hear the predictable refrain of "You're just jealous" whenever someone objects to the actions of someone wealthy or famous or physically attractive or in an enviable position for whatever reason. It's so irritating, as though no one could ever have any legitimate reasons to dislike a person's actions if that person happens to be rich/beautiful/a celebrity. hmm

And if there is any phrase in the English language that I would nominate for most insipid, it would unquestionably be "safe space." wink

AvaCrowder Tue 02-Aug-16 00:06:17

But it's ok to be angry, sad or hurt. OK sometimes it's not, but jealousy is, in my opinion, automatically dismissed.

Is it because it makes you more spiteful than the people who make you feel anger, sadness or hurt?

Is there something intrinsically wrong with jealousy as a negative emotion?

I don't know. I'm jealous of my friends' houses, but I like going to them and I certainly don't wish a nasty fall on any of them. I just wish I could make a nicer home myself.

quencher Tue 02-Aug-16 00:12:34

You can be jealous if you want to but do not impose it on other people making their life a misery.
Usually, when people post threads like that, it is to get approval that maybe they are right. That is why they do sometimes get defensive.

I tend not to feel jealous. I know on occasions I have had a feeling that it should have been me or why them. What gets me out of it is the thought that it's good for people to have something good happen to them. If you want it try harder and go get. If you can't, tough! there are somethings we don't have choices over and can't change. Do your best with what you can.

I agree that envy is not jealousy but both can be detrimental to a person peace of mind. It's good to live your life according to your means and try to improve it without measuring your standard according to what your sister, friend or neighbour has.

quencher Tue 02-Aug-16 00:23:53

But it's ok to be angry, sad or hurt. OK sometimes it's not, but jealousy is, in my opinion, automatically dismissed.
It's because with jealously someone else is the target. You can never be jealous of yourself. More than likely the person is also selfish. I do believe the two go hand in hand. You don't want the other person to have whatever they have got and it should belong to you. As long as you have it or you are better than them, then it's all good.

It's completely different to being sad or angry because it's was their fault you fell down on the pavement. In this instance you have the right to those emotions because it was their fault. If you lost someone dear, you have the right to feel sad for as long as it takes you to heal. If your dh broke up with you it's ok to feel the hurt.

Rainbunny Tue 02-Aug-16 00:25:05

Hmm, I think most people experience envy at some points, I know I have. I think jealousy is a far darker emotion and something to be concerned about. Fwiw, I think the word "jealous" is thrown about too much when really the word "envy" is what actually fits the situation.

I've only known one person in my life who I describe as a genuinely jealous person. It was quite unsettling to see someone bitterly resent another person because they had things/achieved things in life that the jealous person hadn't. She sincerely wished ill of the object of her jealousy. There is something so depressing about seeing someone be vindictive towards another because their own life is not where they wished it was. The lack of self-awareness and inability to see that it was up to them to make changes in their own life was too big of a barrier for that person. Nope, I don't think jealousy is normal at all.

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