to feel lukewarm about attending this second wedding?

(154 Posts)
RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers Sun 31-Jul-16 01:51:20

Yes, I feel like a horrible person. But:

My friend got married a couple of years ago. Initially, she had quite big plans (wedding here and in Canada where she's from, big dress, etc. etc.), but she had to move the wedding forward a few weeks because of her job, and along the way she ended up with something a bit simpler. I was there and, with another good friend, we organised a hen do and (on the bride's response to us asking what she'd like) paid for someone to come and do her hair and makeup, and we did all the other things you do. It was a small wedding party - family and close friends - although I thought it was lovely.

At the time, she said she might organise a reception in Canada for friends from home who hadn't been able to make it. It was clear at this point that I would not be able to travel for this, for what it's worth.

Roll on two years, and I have got a save the date card for her 'wedding' in late 2017. Which, apparently, is the 'proper wedding' she thinks she didn't get. There is a link to a wedding website, a large gift list (including the suggestion guests donate for people back in Canada who can't come over here), and an RVSP. Within a week I had a chase-up phonecall asking if I'd got the Save the Date.

I am in two minds here. On the one hand, she is a friend, who ended up having a much smaller wedding than she obviously wanted, and she will clearly be upset if I don't come. On the other, I feel a bit treated as a cash cow/prop in her weddings, and - if all goes smoothly - I will have a still quite new baby when her second wedding takes place. We're not announcing the pregnancy for another six weeks, but even if we could say that was the reason for turning down the invitation, I still feel fed up. Am I being unfair?

MaudeandHarold Sun 31-Jul-16 01:57:52

A very naice elderly friend of MiLs, when asked for her contribution for a wedding gift for the office admin assistant some years ago replied, rather sniffily.
" Oh do fuck off, I gave to her first wedding"
Cue tumbleweed. Doesn't help you,but I just love that story. smile

Just5minswithDacre Sun 31-Jul-16 02:00:15

So, second wedding but same man then? confused

Is this a trend or just her?

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers Sun 31-Jul-16 02:01:03

grin Well, it amuses me at least.

I should admit, I am on the verge of my (actual) second wedding, though the friend in question won't know about that.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers Sun 31-Jul-16 02:01:51

Just5 - oh yes, same man, as I understand it this is just a fancier version of the first wedding. Which to my mind was quite fancy, really!

FuckitsAndSpades Sun 31-Jul-16 02:09:19

Depends

I don't get out much, I like a good wedding. So I'ld probably be happy to get the (any) invite!

I probably wouldn't give a gift if I'ld already given a gift, the gift is for the marriage. If someone had a 3 day wedding(all at once) I wouldn't give 3 gifts, so 2 days spread out over a length of time = no different

congrats on everything OP!

YvaineStormhold Sun 31-Jul-16 02:16:52

Christ, she sounds like hard work.

Either that, or the marriage isn't going that well.

Either way - nope.

Just make up a reason if you can't bring yourself to be honest.

Something like, "Would you believe it? Two save the date cards arrived at once! Yes! My cousin in Merthyr Tydvil is getting married too. Hope you don't mind, but seeing as we were at your first wedding, you know the one you actually got married at you mad woman, I think I'd better go to my cousin's."

Then by the time it rolls around, you'll have your new baby, so you'll have a good reason for not attending your fantasy cousin's fantasy wedding or your mad friend's

Congrats by the way flowers

Just5minswithDacre Sun 31-Jul-16 02:22:19

Bloody hell, if I thought too hard about how mad people are, I'd be scared to leave the house. Honestly, that's crackers.

HumpMeBogart Sun 31-Jul-16 02:25:42

Of course you don't have to go - but tbh, your opinion of her first wedding is kind of irrelevant here. You said it was 'lovely' and 'quite fancy' - she clearly feels it wasn't the wedding she wanted and wants to make up for that.

She's not BU in wanting the day of her dreams - and you're not BU in not wanting to go!

Congrats on the pregnancy flowers

HumpMeBogart Sun 31-Jul-16 02:26:53

PS - your original post said she'd always intended to have two weddings...

nonline Sun 31-Jul-16 02:38:17

Will (can) there even be a ceremony in a second wedding to the same person in this manner??! Sounds a bit weird, esp if a load of Canadians can't come second time either.
YANBU. Like Fuckits, I'd probably go for the event if it suited (which it obviously doesn't - congratulations!) but present? Pah. Will she expect another hen do too?!
Just tell her you've booked a holiday?

Just5minswithDacre Sun 31-Jul-16 02:38:36

she clearly feels it wasn't the wedding she wanted and wants to make up for that.

She's not BU in wanting the day of her dreams

What kind of selfie-generation madness is that? A couple of things went 'wrong' at my wedding. And one of my births sad And my first marriage angry And a few other life events id rather not have had at all actually hmm

You can't restage everything that doesn't come out Hollywood perfect. It's life!

AnnaMarlowe Sun 31-Jul-16 02:40:20

Sounds like an incredible waste of money to me.

I'd politely decline now and use the baby as the excuse once you have gone public.

nonline Sun 31-Jul-16 02:41:55

Bogart I read it that she wanted a second do in Canada but it's actually going to be here like first?
The few people I know who've had two ceremonies for religious/ geographical reasons have planned both at same time, not sprung a second two years later?

Janecc Sun 31-Jul-16 02:45:57

Just5 grin. Spot on with bells.

It's unfair and even deluded to expect a friend to fork out twice.

Merthyr Tydvil it is.

nonline it'll be a renewal of vows/blessing.

MimiSunshine Sun 31-Jul-16 02:46:16

You got s save the date card right? So just confirm you received it and make some polite interested noises. Maybe ask when she's sending out the invites proper and how is the organisation going (you know the kind of stuff you'd ask if it wasn't a do over).

Then when the invite comes out just regretfully decline, hopefully everything will have gone well for you (I'm sure it will) with the pregnancy and you'll have announced your news. Then say as you'll have a small baby you won't be able to attend as you won't know how things will be bit wish them a happy day.

HumpMeBogart Sun 31-Jul-16 02:47:34

nonline - I read it as she'd always planned to have two weddings, one here and one in Canada. Maybe this one is for family out there? Agree that the two year gap is unusual!

HumpMeBogart Sun 31-Jul-16 02:51:10

Just5 - not selfie-generation - my phone doesn't even have a camera grin

I've had stuff go massively wrong on big days for me as well. Would I go back and 'redo' them if I could? No, because the stuff that went wrong is part of what made the day / event what it was.

But I'm not her and clearly she feels differently!

Rubies12345 Sun 31-Jul-16 03:10:58

(including the suggestion guests donate for people back in Canada who can't come over here)

What does this mean? That she wants UK guests to send money to her Canadian relatives?

29redshoes Sun 31-Jul-16 03:23:31

I think it's a little bit mad to have another wedding. But then a lot of people are a little bit mad.

Don't be offended or think that what you did last time wasn't "good enough" for her - sounds like she has a particular fantasy in her mind and won't be happy until she gets it.

I quite like weddings so despite thinking it's a bit nuts I'd probably go along again and just buy a fairly token gift. Don't go if you don't want to though, the baby gives you the perfect excuse or I'm sure you can come up with another "prior commitment" if needed.

CeeCeeEnnEss Sun 31-Jul-16 03:40:13

My best friend was going to do this. Ceremony and smaller do in Europe and then bigger one across the pond a year later. Luckily she cancelled because they couldn't afford the second one, as I couldn't afford to go.

Also my brother is doing it. Married a few months ago, meant to be small but actually about 50 people came... and then in a few weeks ago do for 150 people, this one with website, gift list etc. Arseholes!

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Sun 31-Jul-16 04:12:34

Christ.

Weddings are expensive and tedious enough to endure without being subjected to it twice.

This is why I keep people at arm's length. People don't invite me to this shit.

trafalgargal Sun 31-Jul-16 04:26:58

I'd go but I wouldnt be organising another hen do or anything else. Mind you if you didn't know she was going to do this I'd guess you're not as close as you were anyway so the guest role will suit.

It does sounds bonkers though and a proper waste of money ..but their money to waste as they choose.

trafalgargal Sun 31-Jul-16 04:29:41

id wait for the proper invite and accept or decline as you feel at the time. It's only a save the date at this point anyway.

expatinscotland Sun 31-Jul-16 05:03:32

Ridiculous. I'd just say, yes, got save the date card and be non-committal and then use baby as excuse not to go. She's taking the piss expecting another gift from those who have already given one.

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