To want people to stop asking when I'll have a baby

(45 Posts)
Seahawk80 Fri 29-Jul-16 14:05:17

I suspect there have been many threads like this before but I couldn't find one and I need to vent, so apologies if this is old ground.

DH and I got married a year ago. I am 35 so I get that it's not like we got married young and have forever to have babies but people won't stop asking! We waited a bit over 6 months before trying for various reasons. Without going into detail nothing has happened and it is very likely I have pcos, I'm waiting for a scan and DH is going for tests then they'll decide on treatment. I feel ok about it as I know lots of people who have it and have kids but it's not ideal. Why do people think it's ok to constantly mention it? I normally fob them off saying oh we want a few more holidays first, then they say well don't leave it too late!! Why does it never go through people's heads that maybe there is an issue and that you don't want to burst into tears or start talking about your gynaecological issues over dinner? It's not even just older people, DH's friends wife said that, I really thought she might stop and think as she had a late miscarriage before their first child and they didn't tell many people. It's just such a personal thing and I find it odd that it is so acceptable for people to comment. I've started to avoid seeing people apart from my best mates as I'm so sick of it.

If anyone has any good responses I'd love to hear them. I'm on the verge of saying to the next person who asks "well let's talk about you, you're quite old, when are you going to order your coffin?"

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 29-Jul-16 14:07:26

" That's a very personal question!" worked well I recall, along with a horrified face.

Can't believe the number of people who think it's OK to ask these sort of questions.

Ilovetorrentialrain Fri 29-Jul-16 14:10:12

Can't think of anything better than what DameDiazepam said. Agree also it's shocking people think it's OK to ask!

OldBeanbagz Fri 29-Jul-16 14:13:20

I found they stop asking after a while, especially if you're off holidaying and enjoying married life. DH and I had been married 8 years before TTC. Both sets of parents had given up on us giving them a grandchild by then!

It's rude of people to ask. I'd never dream of doing that to friends/family.

Macauley Fri 29-Jul-16 14:17:08

So rude of people to ask!
I haven't had this question since having a mc. People used to ask all the time and it made me so uncomfortable. I decided if anyone asked me in the future id just give them the truth, if it makes them feel awkward so be it! That's what happens when you ask a personal question you will get a very personal answer.

Letsgetreadytorumbleagain Fri 29-Jul-16 14:18:28

I used to say 'it's not always that easy' or 'have you ever thought we might be struggling' - people soon shut up as they don't like talking about issues you might have and feel embarrassed. But then I like to be open about the issues I've had in the hope that it might make someone else in the same situation feel better

HmmHaa Fri 29-Jul-16 14:36:52

I perfected the wan smile, eyes glazed over, looking for someone else to talk to approach. Like 'boring...here we go again'

YANBU. It's really annoying!

We finally had DD (after 5 years) and guess what? 'So when are you having another one?'

Grrr.

pleasemothermay1 Fri 29-Jul-16 14:54:19

We have adopted children and get

When are you going to have your own children all the time it's awful

pegomassive1 Fri 29-Jul-16 14:57:10

It's horrible when people do this and I hace sworn never to ask anyone anything to do with babies!! We had been ttc for 2 years before we got pregnant but in that time I was asked constantly (started ttc as soon as we got married) when we would go to children's b day parties it would be all "your next..." it was awful. Now we have dd and we keep getting told 'oh when you have another...' SHUT UP!!!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 29-Jul-16 14:58:31

Iirc it was just women who asked me such personal questions, never men.

pegomassive1 Fri 29-Jul-16 14:59:50

dame I would agree with this and over the time ttc I realised that some people use it as a conversatoion starter/filler. I did get to the point where people asked and I was telling them we had fertility issues...they stopped asking

PersianCatLady Fri 29-Jul-16 15:00:29

When are you going to have your own children all the time it's awful
That is terrible as your adopted children are your own children.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 29-Jul-16 15:04:06

If anyone asks me a question that I don't want to answer. I just give them death stare. I must look like a loony, but It seems to work

SweetChickadee Fri 29-Jul-16 15:05:03

My Dad started asking me this on my wedding day! Mum finally told him to stop as it was rude and none of his business grin

I kept telling him 'never' but I don't think he ever really believed me. Dsis knocked twins out so took the heat off me, thank god.

AnnaMarlowe Fri 29-Jul-16 15:07:16

I stopped fobbing them off and just started saying "don't be so rude".

It did help that neither of our parents asked directly though.

panegyricS1 Fri 29-Jul-16 15:08:49

My friend married in 2008 at the age of 23. She and her husband don't want children and have always been open about that. People ask regularly if they've changed their minds, or worse, opine that they "will" change their minds some day. It's easing off a bit now that they have been married for over eight years - in the absence of a pregnancy, people are starting to accept that they actually mean it.

It's amazing how family planning seems to be a topic for general discussion, rather than a personal thing for a couple.

RuggerHug Fri 29-Jul-16 15:18:34

When a female asked: 'when you have one for me and hand it over. I enjoy smoking too much'.
Male : wide eyed 'I never knew you felt that way, you want to?!'.
Only to close friends who got that that was my most polite 'shut up' but it worked.

Lules Fri 29-Jul-16 15:36:36

A priest told me at a friend's christening, 'in our church we believe you should have babies as soon as you're married', when I been TTC for 6 months and had just been diagnosed with PCOS. I thought about responding 'in my church we believe in not being twats', but I thought it wasn't appropriate for the occasion. Shame though.

ElizabethLemon Fri 29-Jul-16 15:39:36

Sympathies op. I have a child but constantly get asked when I'm having another. I find it upsetting as I'd love to have a baby but it doesn't look like it's going to happen for us.

I bumped into my neighbour in the GP surgery the other day and she was hinting and making stupid comments. In the end I snapped at her and told her I wasn't pregnant but suffering from migraines. What if I'd been there because I'd had a miscarriage or was planning an abortion?? It's so insensitive and inappropriate!

QueenEnid Fri 29-Jul-16 15:41:54

I used to hate this question!
Not married, but was in LTR with ex for 5 years and have been with current oh for 4 years. If it wasn't friends, it was family. "When are you going to have a baby?" "You don't want to leave it too long etc etc"

In the end I got so pissed off (at a pregnant friend actually who had asked the same questions over and over the 6 times I'd seen her in a few week period) that I made the point of saying "surely you wouldn't keep asking that if you thought I couldn't have children so why on earth do you think it's appropriate to keep asking me?!" I also reiterated this to several family members the same week.

Result- yes they felt uncomfortable and apologised but never asked again! Lol. My sympathies are with you OP. Whether you want a family or not, people just do not think about whether they might be upsetting you.

I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and got lots of surprise and congratulations etc when we annouced the pregnancy. Obviously my message was very clear!!!!!

Comedyusername Fri 29-Jul-16 15:46:18

A male colleague asked over dinner if I wanted to have children and I said "kind of you to offer but I think I'll have dessert first". Never mentioned again!

But it is amazing that people think they can ask you such personal questions. When we were having issues TTC I'd sometimes say "I'd rather not talk about it" to shut it down

CannotEvenDeal Fri 29-Jul-16 15:48:02

I hate this too. Big time. I've actually cut friendships over this. Like pleasemothermay1 I also get asked about having one of "my own" even though ppl know damn well that I've raised my dss for over ten years after he was given up voluntarily by my dh's exw. We are extremely close and I hate all the "it's not the same" comments.

Also, as much as I love and adore my dss, I do not believe that motherhood is the all-haiked key to happiness that some people crack it up to be. I would never be without my boy but he knows that he is likely to be an only child.

toadgirl Fri 29-Jul-16 15:49:00

the practising bit is too much fun

CannotEvenDeal Fri 29-Jul-16 15:50:22

Comedyusername to be fair, asking whether you want kids is not as rude as demanding to know when it's going to happen. I wouldn't be that offended by that.

Farmmummy Fri 29-Jul-16 16:03:34

How's your sex life? Accompanied with intense and interested stare.

Not the same at all but keep getting asked when we will try for a boy (have 2 living daughters and Angel twins one of each)
In a recent and rock bottom moment which I'm not proud of but was a hard day and the 5th time the same guy asked in a short space of time I informed him I gave birth to my son on my bathroom floor and almost died trying to pass his sister, maybe I'm not meant to try for a boy. Burst into tears and walked away. Don't think he will ask again but I am so ashamed.

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