AIBU re behaviour at Funerals

(167 Posts)
Cutecat78 Thu 28-Jul-16 19:37:50

Went to funeral today - someone in their late 40s.

Firstly I think we seriously need to build some bigger Crems, the last few I have been to has had a tiny room for the service and congregation pouring out the doors and people standing in the aisles.

There were a lot of younger people there who were dressed as if about to go clubbing (dress code was black) like play suits and thigh high boots, loads of cleavage, see through dresses etc. I am not a prude by ANY means but I dunno it just seemed a bit disrespectful. There was also someone with a baby that while good cried through a song that was played and through some of the eulogy - if it had been me I would have gone outside to calm her down.

They at the bun fight we drive into the car park to some of the younger guests performing "doughnuts" in the gravel car park.

I dunno am I just being an old bastard who should lighten up a bit or what? Just made me feel a bit confused

MissBattleaxe Thu 28-Jul-16 19:39:13

I agree with you.

Newes Thu 28-Jul-16 19:41:13

I agree with you on everything apart from the way they were dressed. The deceased might not have wanted traditional funeral black and decorum.

sonlypuppyfat Thu 28-Jul-16 19:44:15

Well it sounds memorable

Welshmaenad Thu 28-Jul-16 19:44:19

I can't say much, I did tequila shots at my mum's wake.

Topseyt Thu 28-Jul-16 19:44:46

It wouldn't be what I would have expected. Put it that way.

Had the deceased left any wishes as to how they hoped the gathering might go? For example, my MIL had specified not too much black.

Trooperslane Thu 28-Jul-16 19:48:16

The wake and the funeral are completely different though. I do agree with you, OP

Cutecat78 Thu 28-Jul-16 19:54:38

It was black dress code so I assumed "traditional" rather than "street walker".

ilovetoloveyoubaby Thu 28-Jul-16 20:00:12

The wake is before the funeral and the purvey is after the funeral.

I'm Scottish but from an Irish Catholic family and the wakes are generally held in the house with the body being brought back to the house to spend a night in the house with the family. Sounds morbid but it's quite common here in Scotland among the Irish Catholic community I believe.

The purvey is the gathering or "party" if you will after the funeral.

Oh and YANBU, OP. Sounds very disrespectful.

Unicornsarelovely Thu 28-Jul-16 20:01:20

The trouble with making crematoria bigger is that it makes it that bit worse for small funerals. DHs grandma died recently at 102 having outlasted 3 husbands, 1child and her best friends. There were 3 of us at the funeral, plus the vicar. It would have been utterly horrible to have had a bigger room. At least with s big funeral you can have a large church service followed by a small crematorium group.

Cutecat78 Thu 28-Jul-16 20:04:11

Okay - maybe an optional larger room! grin

ayeokthen Thu 28-Jul-16 20:06:25

ilovetoloveyoubaby, I'm glad I'm not the only one who knows the difference between wake and purvey!

EdithWeston Thu 28-Jul-16 20:06:42

I tend to think of the crem as a place for the small family/closest friends send off. Main funeral before that in a church/temple/other building, or any hall/WMC/similar with a humanit.

All bad/racey/questionable behaviour should be at the associated parties, not the actual funeral or cremation/committal.

And yes, crying babies should be taken out of Al, requiem ceremonies straight away. Militant self-propelling toddlers should probably skip that part all together.

BastardDailyMail Thu 28-Jul-16 20:08:06

The crems I've been to have different sized rooms. The last funeral I went to the relative said they should have booked the bigger room as so many people turn up. From this I guess that they ask you an estimate of how many people you are expecting.

The clothing and behaviour you mention sounds very disrespectful.

TeaPleaseLouise Thu 28-Jul-16 20:08:18

Wow. I'm fascinated to now, how did the person who passed know the more disreputable people? I mean, see though dresses and doughnuts in the car park would be out of place at most parties, never mind a funeral.

KC225 Thu 28-Jul-16 20:10:00

What is playing 'doughnuts'?

Cutecat78 Thu 28-Jul-16 20:10:03

There were teenage children who had a lot of friends I think and the town to be fair is slightly chavvy.

BallsAndCandy Thu 28-Jul-16 20:11:11

Who was the parent of the baby to the deceased? if it was their son or daughter I would not leave just because my baby was crying.

MadamDeathstare Thu 28-Jul-16 20:11:21

I think some people think 'It's a funeral, I have to wear black' and get fixated on that. Their only black clothes are the ones they wear to go clubbing so that's what they end up wearing to the funeral.

It also depends on what the deceased and their family would find comforting as well. A work colleague's brother was killed in a traffic accident at a young age. The church was packed with about 600 people, around 400 of whom were in jeans, fringed shirts, cowboy boots and carrying stetsons. The lasso draped tastefully over the coffin showed me that the gentleman would have appreciated their dress choice.

Cutecat78 Thu 28-Jul-16 20:13:50

The baby wasn't a relative.

The person in the thigh high boots hadn't observed the black dress code - and was the partner of one of the "doughnutters" (performing a circle in your car)

janey77 Thu 28-Jul-16 20:14:42

The last funeral I went to a lot of the girls were dressed in low cut mini dresses and sky high heels, more like clubbing gear. I'm not a miserable old git by any means but I thought it was massively inappropriate under the circumstances.

Cutecat78 Thu 28-Jul-16 20:15:59

Yes janey77

This is what I observed today - and it wasn't that warm.

TeaPleaseLouise Thu 28-Jul-16 20:16:29

Gosh, the weddings of the children are going to be interesting aren't they?

Cutecat78 Thu 28-Jul-16 20:17:32

The wedding of the deseased was interesting.

KennyTwat Thu 28-Jul-16 20:18:12

I think it all depends on what the deceased/close family wants - my DS died very young and my 3 year old DD and nephew both came to the funeral. It was our choice they were there if they wanted to be. Obviously they were asking some questions during the service and at one point my nephew was heard to say an a loud whisper 'when are we having the sandwiches?'. grin It just made a horrible grim situation a little lighter and all close family sniggered a little. Some of the more 'distant' congregation were shocked and said so. We thought it was lovely and just one of those 'life goes on' moments.
Another way at looking at it OP is how nice of the younger ones to turn up and show their respects (in their own way). More important to be there rather than what you wear I would have thought

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