Does anyone else feel like me?

(42 Posts)
nutmeghorse Thu 28-Jul-16 13:17:20

I am married and have 3 great children, we live comfortably and have no particular problems. However it is coming up to a milestone birthday for me and it seems to have triggered a bit too much thinking about life. Like why my kids never seem to be grateful with anything and are constantly asking for more. (yeah, I know, they're kids, they don't understand gratitude). Like why I don't have a close circle of girlfriends who are always there for me. Don't get me wrong I have a few friends to go out with and friends with kids to go on day trips with but everyone else seems to have these super close friends who they have known 'forever'. I have no-one that close. I am also wondering why there is no-one in my life who wants to do anything special for my birthday, husband included, when I mentioned it to him, he just says, well no-one bothered about mine. I told him that I made it special for him, we went out for the day, nice meal, special present etc and he didn't want a party or a big gesture, he's not that sort. Well I am, I'm constantly jealous of hearing how other husbands spoil their wives and how they all go on lovely holidays - we can't apparently because passports are too expensive and it's too much hassle and why would anyone want to go abroad with all this terrorism about. I can't recall any terrorism in the Maldives but there you go. If we do anything it's all organised by me and I feel as though I'm having to drag along a bored husband whose working out how much it all costs. I've even had to justify the costs of ice-creams before. Just once (maybe twice) I want a taste of luxury and being adored and having amazing experiences Then I feel all guilty knowing that my life is loads better than some people and I should be grateful for what I have, but thinking that doesn't seem to banish the other thoughts for long.
Please let me know it's not just me that feels like this.

pinkie1982 Thu 28-Jul-16 13:41:30

Yes!
I organise everything for my family (I even buy the cards for my DF to give to DM for birthdays/anniversaries ect or she wouldn't get one).

In my own household we would never go on holiday or day trips if I didn't organise it. DP has never surprised me with a present/holiday/meal out. He may once in a blue moon suggest something but as usual I book it (although he does pay mostly). He would never arrange it himself, then I feel like I'm asking to do things. Or he says 'let's go out - where do you want to go?'.
It drives me mad.

Karenthetoadwhisperer Thu 28-Jul-16 13:44:38

I was just about to start a thread like this. I am glad I am not the only one.
I am fed up too.

Savagebeauty Thu 28-Jul-16 13:47:48

I was married to someone like this. He sucked the joy out of holidays, days out etc....I worried I hadn't organised this gs properly.
Great feeling now he has gone.

Reindeerlily Thu 28-Jul-16 13:53:20

I too was married to a grinch like this. I was desperate for balloons and banners on the Windows. Not that it matters but I do it for everyone else and then no-one ever seems to bother about me. I sound like a petulant teenager!!
I also feel like I have no friends at all. Ah well let's all moan together!!

MissMargie Thu 28-Jul-16 13:53:50

Pleeeeeeeeese start some interests/ hobbies/skills - anything which once you can do it will bring you joy.

I didn't start until I retired and sooo regret all those wasted evenings/ weekends.

It is fulfilling enjoyable and you just don't know what you are capable of until you try.

And it is no one's fault but yours if you keep making excuses not to do it.

Mari50 Thu 28-Jul-16 13:53:50

I think you should LTB, there must be some gorgeous solvent guy out there who will sweep you and your three kids off the the Maldives or the Seychelles just waiting for you.
Or maybe not.
I wish I could sympathise. I don't have a bored partner trailing after me counting the pennies, I'm a single mum and I need to count the pennies myself. There are lots of people who have it better than you with their amazing husbands, there are more who have it worse. Get some perspective or do something about it.

Mycatsabastard Thu 28-Jul-16 14:01:28

Totally understand this.

I did put my foot down a couple of years ago and said I expected more. That I am not just mum/partner/organiser but a person too. I organise days out for the kids birthdays, parties, I have surprised dp with well thought out gifts and even a surprise dinner party with lots of friends and family.

My birthday is right after christmas and is always a non event. As a result of telling him how I feel he's made way more effort and actually bought me a fabulous digital camera this year which was totally unexpected and something I had wanted for ages.

Talk to him. He may just surprise you. I certainly do feel better for having told him how I feel and that sometimes it would be nice to not be having to organise my own birthday etc.

Birdsgottafly Thu 28-Jul-16 14:24:13

OP, have you never been on a holiday that you've longed for?

""Then I feel guilty"".

As a Widowed 'poor' LP, living in rented accomatation, I'd say for you not to feel guilty. 'Luxury ' is subjective. A day out at Landudno, at one time, felt like luxury, to me and I enjoyed it, as such.

Everyone should have those days/times and how much money is needed to achieve that is relative to the rest of your spending, so your always going to be spending more than someone, somewhere.

I worked in Adult aquired disabilities and you never know when life is going to dramatically change, or you won't have the option of doing certain things.

You need to start asserting yourself.

HereIAm20 Thu 28-Jul-16 14:36:17

I organised my 50th birthday party myself because I knew I'd do a better job than my husband. He set a generous budget for me (£5K) and I got on with it. Still get comments about what a great party it was nearly 2 years on.

nutmeghorse Thu 28-Jul-16 14:46:28

Thanks, made me laugh at least , pinkie1982 yes yes yes re:
Or he says 'let's go out - where do you want to go?'.
Karen - I wish you weren't as fed up as me but I'm also pleased that someone somewhere feels like me.
I do sometimes feel like stopping the cooking and the cleaning and the organising just to see what would happen if it wasn't done.
Does anyone remember that episode of Friends where Ross wrote his own death notice just to see who would turn up at his memorial.

TheSparrowhawk Thu 28-Jul-16 14:56:38

It is far worse to be with someone who doesn't value you at all than to be on your own.

It is so incredibly draining to think, do and organise for people who treat you like you don't exist. It's to be expected with children, but if your husband does it then it's soul destroying.

He needs to step up big time or fuck off.

BarbaraofSeville Thu 28-Jul-16 15:03:06

It's very wearing being the one that organises everything.

However, holiday booking is one thing that I do like to have control over the exact flight time, hotel location etc, especially as this thread illustrates what can happen when holiday booking is left to husbands who don't do things properly.

Poor woman is having her family holiday in an 18-30 kiddy drunk party resort.

But the Maldives are extremely expensive - there are plenty of lovely holidays a lot closer to home that are a lot more affordable and risk of terrorism is low. Does your DH not want to spend any money? Do your DCs want a holiday in the sun. Yes, passports are expensive if you don't have them, but they last 10 years so are potentially the passport (pun intended) to many holidays.

I know it's a cliche on here, but you really sound like someone who would enjoy a spa day. Lazing around in the steam rooms and jacuzzi and treatments if that's your thing with maybe a nice lunch or afternoon tea, while you are there?

Maybe just book one for yourself. Then you get to choose to do it exactly how you want to. Yes it would be nice for these things to happen without having to expend the thought or effort, but booking it yourself is probably better than it not happening at all.

mumofthemonsters808 Thu 28-Jul-16 15:17:04

You sound like me, I actually like my Birthday and have done ever since I can remember.My Oh hates his and sees it as a depressing day and a time to sulk and become depressed about becoming another year older.No way will I let him suck the joy out of mine though, it's the one day of the year when I put myself first, I always book the day off and even if he organises nothing which he tends to do, I create my own entertainment.This year I went out for my breakfast and then jumped on the train to York. I had a lovely day, followed by a family meal, organised by me.The only thing that spoilt it was his miserable face in the restaurant.Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with this type of solemn, negative, joyless person and then I wonder if I've made him like this.Anyway, get your thinking cap on and plan your day around yourself and embrace the fact that you've made it to a milestone birthday, unlike many others who are denied this privilege.

AnnieOnnieMouse Thu 28-Jul-16 15:23:14

I spent decades like this.
The problem isn't what you do, but the screaming disparity between what you do for everyone else, and what they DON'T do for you.
It isn't easy to fix. If you can, organise a 'do' for your birthday, and invite the family with the proviso that they are cheerful. If they sulk, tell them to push off.

LovelyBath77 Thu 28-Jul-16 17:24:26

I think, that comparing how things are to how you wish they were, can sometimes make it worse/ If you accept how things are at the moment, you can try and make small changes one at a time?

RedMapleLeaf Thu 28-Jul-16 17:29:37

Anyone feeling like this, why do you wait for someone else to fix things? Why don't you make the changes yourself?

RedMapleLeaf Thu 28-Jul-16 17:42:51

And I don't mean that glibly, I mean why do you look to someone else? What are the reasons preventing you from making the possible changes?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 28-Jul-16 17:55:25

I think you sound like you have a very nice life OP and should count your blessings, rather than dwelling on what you haven't got. smile

I suspect you're suffering from a case of Facebook-itis, where you look at everyone having a ball, surrounded by friends and amazing families, and your life seems lacking. That's not real life though.

Hoildays aren't that great anyway. Go and treat yourself to something nice and don't tell dh how much it cost and have a happy birthday from me. flowers

amazinggrace2001 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:03:25

I'm sure that not all the other husbands are 'spoiling' their wives or taking them on amazing holidays. There is a phrase that is good for Facebookitis- don't compare someone's outside to your inside. You don't know what's really going on in their lives, underneath the shiny exterior. Noone's life is perfect.

I get envious of others lives too and compare myself with others, it usually happens when I am feeling low. Maybe look at what is good in your life ( not in a cliched count your blessings way) and make small changes in the areas you are not happy about.

amazinggrace2001 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:08:33

If you want to go away- why don't you plan to go somewhere you've always wanted to go, either on your own, with a friend or with your husband?

My daughter and I really wanted to go abroad but my husband doesn't like travelling and my son has autism and loves being at home, so we went away the two of us for a couple of nights to Mallorca which was great.

KittyKrap Thu 28-Jul-16 18:22:08

My XH was like this! We had holidays pre children but only somewhere that did self-catering. After the DCs we didn't go anywhere. My Christmas presents were bought after he'd finished work on Christmas Eve so any old shite basically. My birthday was a non event. And I'd always cook. He didn't like eating out as, 'I was a better cook' (aka tight arse). For a big wedding anniversary he got me a keyring...it said, 'I love shopping'. Presumably 'shopping' in Sainsburys for food.

I left him.

Moving on, I met a man, now DH. He loves me, we spoil each other and he adores the 3 DCs. We've had long weekends abroad three times this year already. He's not rich - XH was loaded.

KittyKrap Thu 28-Jul-16 18:23:22

Oh and further to a previous poster, spa breaks don't work. I was given a spa day from DM. Got relaxed and came home to chaos - and more cooking.

pearlylum Thu 28-Jul-16 18:32:15

Sounds like this is about more than just birthdays.
This guy is draining the life out of you.
We don't do adult birthdays much in our family, OH and I don't care about them, but we do like living life to the full.

crocodilesmile Thu 28-Jul-16 18:47:27

RedMapleLeaf - I suppose it's the point at which you're doing absolutely everything for everyone (or else it wouldn't get done) and you don't have the time nor support to do what you want to do. As another poster said above it's about the balance between what you're doing/what others are doing and unfortunately when the problems you're having aren't directly fixable by yourself it gets tricky.

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