AIBU to be hurt and find this wildly inappropriate?

(101 Posts)
AnotherNewPhoneCase Wed 27-Jul-16 11:41:26

Backstory: I'm 19, DM died in Feb, live with Step Dad (SD)

I have known for a while SD has been OD and speaking to women, found out by accident, no snooping involved just happened to look through the window at the wrong time and see him on Match. Anyway he's been going out a lot and not telling me who with (only asking in a friendly way, that sounds nice who did you go with etc) and he would ignore me. Whatever he's an adult. Anyway he's not told me he's seeing anyone until I wake up one day and hear a woman downstairs hmm. I'm on holiday from work. I make it plainly clear I am at home as I sometimes stay at BFs house by shutting my bedroom door loudly as I go to have a shower. Spend a long time faffing to see if they leave. Go downstairs and find her laying on the sofa (where my mum used to sit, but not her fault she didn't know) have a short conversation in the kitchen with SD about my weekend away. Gets to the elephant in the room 'Zoe's in there if you want to meet her'. I said 'maybe when I'm not in my pyjamas' (had to get clothes from dryer) SD repeats what I said and laughs presumably so Zoe could hear. It doesn't matter because SHE CAME IN ANYWAY and I was trapped in the kitchen making polite chit chat about their weekend away and their rickety hotel. All in all I wore yesterday's clothes and left to see my brother.

I've had no warning this would happen and went out at 2;30pm stayed at BFs and came home today when he went to work, and she stayed the night????? My DM hasn't been dead 6 months and he's bringing someone else home? They were together 16 years and I'm just baffled by how he thinks this is okay.

Sorry for rambly post but I need to know who's being U

NoahVale Wed 27-Jul-16 11:44:24

i am sorry you are hurt by this. He didnt think of you clearly. Perhaps he was embarrassed to talk to you. thanks
it wont take away your dm's memory.

JustHappy3 Wed 27-Jul-16 11:49:35

Oh that's hard to process. I think men grieve very differently to women - no less but differently. It doesn't mean he didn't love and respect your mum. It sounds like he has no clue how to deal with this sensitively.
You sound so very grown up - and yet you are only 19. Do you have older relatives to give you a big hug? Is your boyfriend looking after you. It must be so hard right now
flowers

scaryteacher Wed 27-Jul-16 11:56:05

Whose house is it?

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him you feel this is inappropriate at the current time, and that you would prefer he wasn't bringing strange women into your space/comfort zone, and where you have your memories of your Mum.

AnotherNewPhoneCase Wed 27-Jul-16 12:03:14

Yeah he's been brilliant and so have his family, brother lives in the road next to BF and we are quite close, went there first yesterday. I'm glad he's happy I just wish he would be happy away from me even though that's a horrible thing to say.

He's moved through this very quickly sending 90% of her clothes to charity (without warning) and clearing out their room and moving into the spare (sisters old room). It's been a rough few months since February and I don't want to drip feed but feel like it's appropriate to add this vague timeline. I've kept it vague because it's EXTREMELY outing

-Feb15th; argument and physical violence between DM and Dsis before Dsis wedding. Dsis kicked out and DM disappears. I go home all locks on door DM not answering phone.
-Feb 16th: no sign of DM still. Stepdad finds her in the shed having committed suicide.
-Wedding/funeral/inquiry etc
-Nothing said about Ashes until I ask, got brought home a V long time after funeral. Been at SDs sisters.
- Dsis comes to visit and we are shown suicide note by SD but not given the option to see it, we are shown. Told we have individual notes but SD has said not to read them as they are apparently horrible and disgusting. He has shown us the note she left for him and i can gather from the tone she blames us (the kids) for her death.
- Father's Day I see SD on Match
-yesterday meet Zoe with absolutely no choice or option

AnotherNewPhoneCase Wed 27-Jul-16 12:04:14

Originally DM house, he moved in and they bought it together. His name on deeds but I've lived here longer and he recognises it's my home as much as his

AnotherNewPhoneCase Wed 27-Jul-16 12:05:02

I'm so sorry for drip feeding I just don't know how relevant things are to the story

AppleSetsSail Wed 27-Jul-16 12:07:44

Wow, I"m so sorry OP. What a horrific few months you've had.

flowers

That seems extraordinarily fast to the mark. I'd be none too impressed, particularly given that her death was so unexpected.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington Wed 27-Jul-16 12:09:07

Oh OP you've been through such a lot. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It must be very hard for you and your sister to process, especially the way in which your mother died. flowers

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington Wed 27-Jul-16 12:11:39

And I'd feel the same as you do re. your stepfather moving on so quickly. Maybe it's his way of coping, he's compartmentalised your mother's death and now wants to move on. He's not doing anything 'wrong' as such but of course it's hard for you to deal with.

Do you feel like he's commandeered her death in terms of not showing you the letters, leaving your mum's ashes at his sister's house etc?

MargaretCavendish Wed 27-Jul-16 12:12:27

flowers I am so, so sorry for your loss and for the circumstances of your loss. Are you seeing a bereavement counsellor? I really think you should consider this (ask your GP). All grief is difficult, but yours is likely to be particularly complex and confusing and I think you need a place to talk it through without having to consider anyone else's feelings. Your step-dad is without doubt himself having some strongly conflicting emotions (and it's easy to imagine why he may not have wanted to be alone for long) and I think you both need all the support you can get.

AnotherNewPhoneCase Wed 27-Jul-16 12:12:44

I am very much unimpressed. It has been hard but we're getting through it. Dsis moved 3 hours away a week after being kicked out due to marrying military so it's been easier for her to adjust since she hasn't seen the absence as much as she would have.

AnotherNewPhoneCase Wed 27-Jul-16 12:14:52

bunty I definitely feel that way yes, we were only mentioned once at the funeral and it just seemed to be a remeberance of their relationship and it mentioned his sister a lot as well who DM didn't even like hmm it's been picked up by many people

NoahVale Wed 27-Jul-16 12:15:44

you could talk to him about how you feel.
it is His way of dealing with his loss. no doubt he misses her too.

Missgraeme Wed 27-Jul-16 12:15:44

Maybe time to discuss the future of the house? Move on your separate ways in the near future?

scaryteacher Wed 27-Jul-16 12:16:12

Have a big hug, my ds is a year older than you and I can't imagine him having to deal with this.

I know it's still all raw, but you need to find out if you haven't already about your Mum's will, and how things were left with the house. Does he own it 100%, or have you been left half with your brother and sister,, and he has 50%? These things (as I know from experience) can be a PITA to sort out, and you need to look at them to make sure you are secure in your home.

I would also want the note that your Mum left for you. It is your property, not his, and he has no right to keep it from you. You don't have to read it, but it is yours.

I would ask that he tells you when he is bringing someone back, so that you have the option not to be there as you find it unsettling (and rightly so).

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Wed 27-Jul-16 12:18:28

You poor thing. I think, considering all you have been through, you behaved in a way that was above and beyond what could possibly be expected of you ( letting them know you were up and about, making polite conversation). You are so very sensitive & empathetic. Am not I could have dealt with 'Zoe' in the same way, and I am much older than you. I am so incredibly sorry for you, I do hope you have someone to confide in. Massive, massive hugs xxxxxxx

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington Wed 27-Jul-16 12:19:20

we were only mentioned once at the funeral

That must have been very hurtful Another. I'd have problems dealing with that so I can see why then seeing his new girlfriend lounging around the house would be a step too far.

CurlyMoo Wed 27-Jul-16 12:19:39

Didn't want to read and run. OP you have had so much to deal with, I can see why this has upset you. I reiterate what a PP said regarding counselling. ((bigunMNhugs))

NoahVale Wed 27-Jul-16 12:24:01

www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services/get-help
try this service op

thisisafakename Wed 27-Jul-16 12:24:28

I would echo suggestions about counselling

AppleSetsSail Wed 27-Jul-16 12:24:40

What shape do you envision your relationship with your stepfather taking as you move on from your mother's death?

Notagainmun Wed 27-Jul-16 12:26:22

So sorry for your terrible loss. I think you should get some help from a grief councillor as this is extremely hard for anybody to process. Men I have known in happy marriages tend to try to replicate that feeling as soon as possible whereas women take longer to feel ready for a new relationship.

AnotherNewPhoneCase Wed 27-Jul-16 12:27:44

scary There was no will, he owns the house by t&c's of the agreement when they bought it. He's not keeping it from any of us and I know where it is. He is not the type of person to say 'don't read it, it's not nice' if it really wasn't. His was along the lines of: I love you so much this is not your fault, so I have solid reasons to believe based on DMs behaviour ours is the total opposite.

lorelai I know that It's not Zoe's fault (I have changed her name just a disclaimer) so it's easy to be nice to her. She seems nice and she shouldn't be on the receiving end of things when the angers at my stepdad. It would be easier if she was a cunt but she seems okay which is WORSE. I just keep reminding myself that she didn't take my mum away and she's not the one (afaik) who's deciding to come round etc.

graeme perhaps but I'm an apprentice on £3.30 an hour so there's no way I can go any seperate way and it's quite awkward to discuss the future of the house any more than it already has been. He has said it will be spilt between us 5 kids (mums 3 and his 2) but there's nothing stopping him from changing his mind v

Rosenwyn1985 Wed 27-Jul-16 12:29:01

I don't want to sound awful but difficult times can bring out the worst in people. What was their relationship like? It's quite likely he's just grieving in his own way but if your mother led things it could be he's completely lost and may be too weak to spot any potential manipulation. My mother moved in my step dad a month after my dad's death, basically she couldn't cope being alone (I was twelve). It did not go well. I haven't spoken to her in years, for good reason. I'd definitely try to sort out the house situation and take back some control. And yes yes yes to counselling. It's been nearly twenty years for me and I wish I'd gone and spoken to someone at the time. He's probably lost but don't let someone else, New woman, sister, whatever, lead him. Sorry for your loss.

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