Wwyd? £1000 from Mil....

(56 Posts)
Passwordfatigued Wed 27-Jul-16 10:58:36

Huge back story for 15years on this one! Basically Mil a total nightmare. Manipulative, difficult, tried to ruin our wedding, birth of Dc etc by behaving badly. She is a total narcissist... Dh and I do our best to keep the relationship ok so she can visit dear GC but she is a very divisive character(undermines him is generally rude in front children etc). Could type forever on this one! Used to cause many problems in our marriage but we point blank refuse to fight over it now and just do our best to 'stage manage' difficult visits. Reason for post....it is my birthday in a few days and I have just received £1000 in a card in the post (last visit from her was fairly horrific she was rude to everyone and generally behaved like spoilt brat - we tend to ignore bad behaviour as trying to address it in the past has not) she hasnt spoken to us in 3 months..... Will not keep money but what is the best way to return it without causing huge problems with wider family? Btw she cannot afford it - is still working at 65 has no pension, rents her home and spends money like it grows on trees. Help!

WibblyWobblyJellyHead Wed 27-Jul-16 11:00:05

Meh. I'd keep it. Have a nice holiday or something.

Standingonmytippytoes Wed 27-Jul-16 11:01:12

What does her renting have to do with anything?
Is her birthday coming up give it back to her then.

chicaguapa Wed 27-Jul-16 11:02:27

Bank it but don't spend it yet, in case it comes with strings attached or you need to return it.

BorpBorpBorp Wed 27-Jul-16 11:02:51

I would post it back to her with a note to the effect of "thank you for the gesture, but we can't take this as it is far too much".

IvyWall Wed 27-Jul-16 11:04:57

I would put it in the dc savings accounts and tell her that's what you have done. And be prepared to give it back if she needs it in the future

WoahSlowDown Wed 27-Jul-16 11:05:14

In what form was the money? Cash or cheque?
I'd just return it with a polite 'faux' friendly message that you couldn't possibly accept it but thanks SO much.

It's a bit odd of her though confused

DurhamDurham Wed 27-Jul-16 11:05:15

I'd have spent it by now, probably on a holiday smile

Pisssssedofff Wed 27-Jul-16 11:06:46

Consider it penance for all you've put up with and buy a handbag 😁

Charlesroi Wed 27-Jul-16 11:07:28

If she's sent a cheque just don't cash it.

It sounds like she's sent cash though? If that's the case you could keep 50 quid and send the rest back saying her gift is far too generous, so you'll spend the 50 going out for a nice pub meal/buy some boots etc.?
If you get grief from the wider family say you'd feel guilty accepting it as you know she's not loaded?

shhhhSleeping Wed 27-Jul-16 11:07:46

I imagine that based on the above however you return it, it will cause a fallout. That's not to say you should keep it, of course it should go back but you should definitely expect her to tell all and sundry how ungrateful you are.

The best you can probably do is return with a polite note and then if you're worried about the story being skewed and told to the family then get in first with your version ie while very generous, you don't want to be responsible for Mil having to work longer than she needs to and don't feel comfortable accepting it.

FindingNemoAgain Wed 27-Jul-16 11:10:02

If you return it she will be offended. Keep it and send her a huge Thank you card. A bit childish to want to return it to her?!

Does she receive any benefits like housing benefit? There are quite strict rules around deprivation of capital so if it is thought that she has given money away to qualify for a benefit or to avoid care home fees later she may have problems. Large gifts to family would be looked at closely.

I would return it on the basis you wouldn't want her to suffer later because of her generous heart (just keep your fingers crossed for the last bit wink)

LovelyBath77 Wed 27-Jul-16 11:18:52

It sounds like 'hoovering' - this is where they try and gift you into putting up with their bad behaviour, see Out of the FOG site for an explanation. Probably right to return. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Wed 27-Jul-16 11:21:04

The best way to return it is surely by giving it to her for her birthday, as somebody suggested grin Perhaps this will go on for years and years, past the stack of used notes back and fore twice a year in a birthday card...

But I'd keep it - why not get something out of it if she is playing games. Just stick it into a rainy day fund, then if she tries to use it to manipulate you then you can give it back immediately.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 27-Jul-16 11:22:09

If she cannot afford it just send it back with a lovely note saying I'm very worried about accepting so much money from a pensioner but that's so much for thinks of me

Rafflesway Wed 27-Jul-16 11:22:39

£1000 in cash just sent via normal post shock? Big risk!!

If you do return it OP then PLEASE ensure you send it back via more secure means.

My mother - who I have been NC with for well over 20 years - sent my DD a £50 cheque for her 18th birthday. (My DD has SLD and has absolutely no knowledge of this woman.). I just put it in the study filing cabinet and never cashed it. Found it last year and finally destroyed it as it was almost 5 yrs old. Had the desired effect though. She never tried sending anything again. smile

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Wed 27-Jul-16 11:23:01

Could you give her a (stage-managed) call and say you are really touched by her generosity but she can't possibly accept as it's such a large sum? May spare her feelings a little (I'm sure you don't feel like sparing them, but this way you can 'be the bigger person'?). Although personally, I'd take it and run!

Passwordfatigued Wed 27-Jul-16 11:23:09

Thank you all for your advice. This is happening around the first anniversary of my sister's death so could do without it! Only mentioned she is renting as we do worry about how she will manage in the future....would be better for her if she saved something and didn't work so much.

wowfudge Wed 27-Jul-16 11:25:28

Return it. If you don't you will forever be beholden to her. And she knows it.

NavyandWhite Wed 27-Jul-16 11:27:58

Don't return it, that will only cause more trouble.

Why so much money? Is it a significant birthday? Is it guilt money?

Cherylene Wed 27-Jul-16 11:29:08

I would put it in a bank account. Then in the future, if you have to do things for her and the money for it is not forthcoming, you can use it then. This can happen with the nicest of ILs, when they get old or ill.

Insurance for the future grin

happypoobum Wed 27-Jul-16 11:29:15

As a fellow sufferer - narc mum - I would spend it definitely. It only comes with strings if you allow that.

On the rare occasions my narc Mum gave me anything nice, I did what PP have suggested and considered it penance for all the utter shite she put me through. I went NC eventually, best decision ever.

I would use it wisely and send her a thank you card, then just act like normal. The worst outcome for her is that you take her money and she gets no narcissistic supply out of it.

Crunchymum Wed 27-Jul-16 11:29:26

Did she send it in cash? Or cheque.

If was cash I'm wondering if she knows you will return it and knows you won't risk posting it so you or DH will come to her?

Passwordfatigued Wed 27-Jul-16 11:39:31

I am definitely returning it. It is such a large sum and everything comes with strings attached. Think a 'stage managed' kind well mannered phone call is the way to go. She will bad mouth me anyway no matter what I do so at least this way I will feel I did my best. I can't win! It isn't a big birthday just intended to draw my dh into some sort of drama (she thrives on it)...hmm

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