To expect an apology for from neighbour crude talk with my 15yo dd

(54 Posts)
Scotmumof2girls Tue 26-Jul-16 11:07:34

First time post here but have watched many previous post.

I just returned from weekend away with other dd And while I was away our neighbour had made an inappropriate comment to my other dd (15).

It goes....

She was walking home from her Saturday job at the chippy when the neighbour asked here why she walks as if she's always ready to fight. She explained her shoulders are so big it's ended up being her natural walk.

He then said - naw it's because your tits are too big.

Dd came home and told her dad who went out to find him but he had dissapeared. He finally saw him return and went over, gave him a mouthful and said this as his first and last warning that if he ever spoke to his 15yo like that again it would be his last. He was loud enough for neighbours to hear, I think intentionally because dd had begged him not to start a fight. His natural instinct was to punch him.

The neighbour started to smile and went to say something then seemed to Think better and just nodded and lowered his head.

Hubby then called me to let me know what had happened. I said if him or his wife turn up at the door just close it on them and don't get into anything more until you've calmed down but congratulated him on not following his instinct to pretty much belt him one.

I then told him about an incident two weeks before where this same neighbour had made a comment on the size of her backside (she didn't hear properly what he said) It was debatable if it was meant as a joke or leer or what was actually said and there was another neighbour with him and didn't say anything simply looked away. I said to dd not to worry, the neighbours always drunk, he maybe mixed up words or something - essentially gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now that I am back, aibu to have expected the neighbour or his wife at least to have come over with an apology or someone to have apologised to hubby before now. I don't even know if the wife knows and maybe he's got off Scott free.

Or has hubby made his point and that should be it?

It's a very awkward situation because the neighbour is out of order absolutely imho.

I'm asking myself if an apology will only serves to make me feel better about not getting to say something at the time.

We've assured dd that he's out of order and not all men like that etc etc and explained that while t doesn't make it right he's always drunk and drunk people say and do things they shouldn't and told dd to avoid him, never be in his house again (she is friends with their 15yo ds).

He's not done anything illegal that I know of but I'm left feeling terrible that my dd is feeling awkward about walking up the street now and feeling self conscious.

Has anyone been in this position, wwyd?

SpringerS Tue 26-Jul-16 11:14:57

Why would you expect an apology from his wife? It has nothing to do with her other than the fact that if she knew about it, it would have hurt her. It's utterly unreasonable to expect her to apologise for his actions. She owes you nothing. In fact if this man is drunk all the time the odds are that he's an alcoholic and if she isn't, the odds are that her life is a daily hell that has worn her down so much she barely knows what's normal anymore.

And I wouldn't expect an apology from him. Not that he doesn't owe one but if he's an alcoholic it's 50:50 if he even remembers the incident and if he does, he probably doesn't even really think he did anything wrong because his views of right and wrong have been warped by his lifestyle.

Shizzlestix Tue 26-Jul-16 11:15:56

Sexual harassment, basically. I think I'd go round no speak to him and the wife, making it very clear that any further comments will result in a police visit. It's absolutely unacceptable that he makes comments about your DD.

Scotmumof2girls Tue 26-Jul-16 11:23:52

SpringerS I suppose apology from the wife is the wrong term in this instance but i didn't think I had made that comment the main focus. I think there has been no apology or assurance that dd can rest assured to have no further comments I feel a bit in limbo.

Shizzestix I hadn't even thought of that but of course if it's ongoing then yes it could be a police matter. I don't was dd going through that and I'd just like him to acknowledge what he's done is wrong, apologise and promise he'll leave her alone.

greenfolder Tue 26-Jul-16 11:24:11

you are never realistically going to get an apology out of that are you?

ChicRock Tue 26-Jul-16 11:27:10

Don't hold your breath for an apology, I doubt it's going to happen and actually the wife doesn't owe you anything and can't reassure you it won't happen again.

Honestly, if this happened again I'd go to the police, or at least call the non-emergency number and speak to them about it.

antiqueroadhoe Tue 26-Jul-16 11:28:24

Someone that is as socially inept as to think that kind of a comment is in any way acceptable is not going to apologise.

I would leave it for a couple of weeks till things are calm, and then go round there as a couple and very calmly and quietly inform them that you have noted the previous comments and that any further will result in police action.

c3pu Tue 26-Jul-16 11:31:28

The type of person that makes that sort of comment, isn't the type of person to go around apologising.

I can't condone your daughter's father wanting to belt the guy, but that (along with the strong words) is probably more along the lines of what the letch understands.

YABU to expect anything more.

facebookrecruit Tue 26-Jul-16 11:34:16

My DH would have leathered the perv angry

ayeokthen Tue 26-Jul-16 11:39:17

Firstly, well done to your man for not skelping him. I know my man would have been the same. I doubt you're going to get an apology, but that doesn't mean you're not owed one. I'd tell the wife that if her husband makes a comment like that again you will involve the police. I don't care if he's an alcoholic, I'm sick to the back teeth of conditions explaining why people can do as they please while folk who do behave have to put up with the consequences.

MammouthTask Tue 26-Jul-16 11:39:39

I don't think you are going to get an apology, esp not when yur DH was actually quite aggressive about it.
Nest time, (if there is one) Just tell him that this is the 3rd time it has happened, that this is sexual harrassement and that you will report it to the Police. (whether you want to do it or not is a difference issue btw).

In effect, just hammer to him that what he is doing is not on (and illegal).

It might be enough to frighten him.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jul-16 11:44:36

""He's not done anything illegal that I know of""

He's been sexually inappropriate with a minor. The Police would happily have words.

Don't minimal this. I grew up with this being the norm, or all "a bit of fun" (70's), it's now, thankfully recognised, for what is is.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jul-16 11:46:46

Just to add, this isn't sexual harassment, he knows how old your DD is, it's an offence against a child.

Two incidences should be enough, for you to report it, tbh.

EveOnline2016 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:47:07

Good on your dh for not losing his cool.

I'm just waiting on the responses that your dh shouldn't use violence and let the police sort it out.

Yeah right sexual crimes very rarely end in conviction.

ChatterNatterer Tue 26-Jul-16 11:49:25

He's been sexually inappropriate with a minor. The Police would happily have words. Don't minimal this. I grew up with this being the norm, or all "a bit of fun" (70's), it's now, thankfully recognised, for what is is

This!
I would log it with the police now! What a vile person!

Ilovetea82 Tue 26-Jul-16 12:01:00

He doesn't sound the sort to make apologies :/

acasualobserver Tue 26-Jul-16 12:10:28

Well, he's been warned and the next time your husband will batter him. If you go to the police in the meantime, that option will become more difficult. You'll have to decide what you want most.

panegyricS1 Tue 26-Jul-16 12:10:42

It's never ok for an adult to comment to a young girl in this way. Your husband handled it well and it's great that your daughter felt able to tell him about it - he's obviously a good dad.

Hopefully that will be the end of it but if it happens again, definitely report him.

I feel sorry for his wife, imagine being married to that filthy perv.

tofutti Tue 26-Jul-16 12:13:03

If he makes another comment, you should definitely call the police. It may discourage him from acting this way with your DD and other girls.

But as others have said, I don't think fair to expect the wife to apologise. She may not even know about it. It does smack of making women responsible for the behaviour of men.

DeathStare Tue 26-Jul-16 12:13:19

You aren't going to get an apology from him. The sort of man who sexually harasses child is also the sort of man who doesn't see a problem with it.

And his wife doesn't owe anyone an apology - she's done nothing wrong. Nor does she deserve to be blanked.

It's unlikely that he will harass your DD again as your DH will have terrified him. However he is likely to sexually harass other children as he won't see a problem with it and won't be scared that someone is going to deal with him if he does. This is why you need to report it the police - so that they can warn him and keep an eye on him and so protect other young girls.

WorraLiberty Tue 26-Jul-16 12:13:25

If your husband is prone to violence, I can't see either of them coming over to see you.

Hopefully it's been sorted now and that'll be the end of it.

If not, call the police next time.

YeOldMa Tue 26-Jul-16 12:16:59

Maybe you should have a word with the local police station and make sure your reassurances to your daughter are justified. He might have a "history" and better to be safe than sorry.

BananaThePoet Tue 26-Jul-16 12:34:04

If you want to feel safer and for your daughter to feel better then one course of action is to contact the police and report this as a hate crime.

I think it counts as a hate crime because it is 1. An offence against a minor to make inappropriate/unpleasant sexual remarks to someone under age so that is your crime and it is a hate crime because it was made because she is female and being female is a protected characteristic.

A hate crime is one where a crime is committed and it is done because the 'victim' is perceived to be a member of a protected group such as disabled, elderly, female etc.

They will/should send a community officer round to take a statement and/or to discuss what they can do to make your daughter and you feel safer and reassured this should not happen again. They will be in a position to go around and speak to the neighbour and warn him not to say/do anything similar again. It will be logged and then if he does do anything like it again they will be able to treat it as an escalation rather than a first incidence.

This is one way of dealing with it. Personally I would also get a CCTV with recording/sound fitted to the house and make it obvious it is there to ensure the neighbour realises they can't say/do anything like it again without there being consequences. That may work as a deterrent.

StarfishandToffee Tue 26-Jul-16 12:34:16

report the scrote

Scotmumof2girls Tue 26-Jul-16 12:40:51

I'm sure I've already retracted that part. Sorry if you didn't see that.

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