To fear leaving Dh as I don't know if I would survive financially

(46 Posts)
ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 09:30:24

May be at the end of a once loving but now tired out marriage
There is a merry go round of lack of communication and personality mix and it feels like we are just lodgers . Counselling in past X 2

I have just left my career /job and am earing very little while I try to look to futur e

Came to head last night - I sent him text in day saying things feel difficult and he replied saying he wants to sort things . I got v anxious during the day about his return home and was monosyllabic by time he got home . He asks did I get his reply to which I said yes and I waited for him to elaborate . I'm the one who raises things and I admit I just wanted him to do so . Nothing happened . He went to bed as normal . When things bother him he just waits until it's all broken down and I step in to try . Well I've stopped doing it apart from y day .eg lack of sex - bothers him - well he said he Wd like more / but that's it .
He wil blame me for not encouraging him to talk last night . That is a thing he often says - I do admit I was grumpy due to anxiety at my prediction that he wdnt do anything and I kno I didn't help
I'm not sure o can manage this anymore - snd I know that I have my own faults
We have 100 k equity
He earns 45 k
We have dc about to go to uni and we had planned to pay his accom 6 k / 500 pm
I can't return to my career and my earning power will be low
Please can anyone tell me if I chose to split up how I can do so and financially survive
Eg rent Wd be £400 for a start .i wdnt get a mortgage - if we split the equity I'd get 50 k and the cheapest house here costs 120 k ....
Please can anyone advise 😞

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Tue 26-Jul-16 09:40:50

Why did you leave your career knowing you would likely be supporting yourself in the near future?

You'd have enough for a deposit but would need to satisfy the mortgage company you could afford the remainder. It's likley you'd have to take a drop in standards of living and work much more.

Staying with him for his money is wrong though, let him go free if you don't want him so that you are both free to find happiness.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Tue 26-Jul-16 09:45:50

Yes you would survive. You could get a job, rent somewhere to live. By the time your house is sold you could be in a position to use your settlement as a deposit and buy a house or carry on renting, have a nest egg, use the money to go on adventures or whatever you like.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 09:48:40

Dragons
Health reasons

Dunkling Tue 26-Jul-16 09:55:50

You WOULD survive financially.

I am in an EA relationship. A while ago after one oh his tantrums, threats, divorce, you couldn't cope etc etc, I went on the benefits calculator because like you, I gave up FT work to raise the kids then only went back part time due to severe anxiety and depression.

I used the calculator based on no euity from house etc as in.... if I wanted to walk away stress free and take nothing.

With Housing benefit help, plus working benefits help, yes it is doable. Not the same lifestyle as before, but what price sanity eh?

Take a look. Just knowing you can do it is a huge stress reliever!!

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 09:59:19

Dunkling
Thank you I will . !
I didn't know about it .

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 26-Jul-16 10:08:23

If you're a low earner you may qualify for tax credits, housing benefit, reduced council tax etc so you don't need to earn as much as you think you do.

I'm actually better off financially without xh here, but I do have school age DCs so get a bit more financial assistance than someone with over 18s. Your ex would have to contribute significantly towards your DCs living costs if he wants them to go to uni, even though they're above child maintenance age. They can also get loans etc.

Whatever the financial implications, life is too short to stick with a crappy marriage. flowers

harshbuttrue1980 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:13:02

Think about this from another perspective - so many people (including me!) could only dream of a £50,000 deposit! If you lived in a flat rather than a house, you could find yourself with a tiny mortgage and low repayments because you have put down such a large deposit. A full-time job would cover the cost. About your son, he may have to get a part-time job himself and take out a student loan while at uni. Plenty of people don't get £6,000 a year from their parents and still go to uni. Uni is an investment in his future, and he'll only pay the loans back when he starts earning.

c3pu Tue 26-Jul-16 10:22:47

1) Get a job
2) Make a claim for any benefits you're entitled to
3) Lower standards (lots of this, unfortunately).

It'll be OK. Perhaps not in the way you imagined, but it will be OK.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:29:08

When you mean lower standards what do you mean
Live in a less nice area
I have no disposable I gone as I earn only enough to keep my car going as I will need that for work such as cleaning or care work until I decide if I can do another degree level job ( poss can't due to health but we shall see )
He and we have agreed previously that all additional cash has gone into mortgage and dc uni up to now and the only cash I spend is
Car cost
Food
Hair cut

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 26-Jul-16 10:34:37

Why do you think it has to be cleaning or care work? It sounds like you are anticipating a physically hard and unrewarding job, which is helping you to stay put, whereas you can do anything you choose.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 26-Jul-16 10:35:09

And if health is an issue, both of those options will be out.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:39:28

Because I had to go off work with stress following incident at work and jobs that match my qualifications and experience have not shortlisted me at all in 6 months possibly due to sickness record .i don't think that I could do a stressful professional job again
Am applying to support students at uni but do not have the emotional resilience to deal with student counselling work for eg at the moment .the cleaning an care work would be a stop gap while I recalberate .

dailymaillazyjournos Tue 26-Jul-16 10:39:53

Materially I have a much much lower standard of living after divorcing H. From a 4 bed detached house to 1 bed, crumbly HA flat. I have minimum disposable cash and for the last few years couldn't afford a holiday. But.... And it's a huge but.... I am so much happier living here on my own, pleasing myself without that ridiculous excuse for a man around the place. I'd rather have a lower standard of living and peace of mind, than bein depressed and hopeless in a lovely house.
Check your benefits entitlement and if you can manage your outgoings and have a bit left over, then I'd say, go for it. I will never afford to own a house but I don't mind. Unless you have paid your mortgage off, you don't really own a house anyway really.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:40:27

Mark
It's severe stress /ptsd from work related thing
I can't do stress
But I can clean

EliCon Tue 26-Jul-16 10:41:20

Seems to me like the best way to know for sure if you can manage is to find a job first and then see how much you earn. Because right now that is an unknown factor and it's making you stressed.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:45:05

Eli
Thanks
Yes I guess I have to sort in sections - I'm getting overwhelmed trying to think of everything at once
I'm not sure how to manage the relationship In the meantime tho 😞

Atenco Tue 26-Jul-16 10:46:16

There must be a more creative way to use your education. As you don't mention what you studied, we cannot of course suggest anything.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 11:03:25

Yes I agree but I'm too mentally crowded to think
I don't want out myself but it was a professional degree in a spefic area which was similar to social administration with a professional attatched -after doing an additional year
I could be things like a probation officer but as I'm older I'm really not up for stress and conflict
I did get shortlisted for an advocate job which was just my thing tho significantly less pay but I simply did not have the confidence to go since incident at work - I regret this now .

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 11:05:31

Alten
Think degree level caring professions / non nursing ...
I may apply for hospital discharge co ordinator Job -half what used to earn but still stress . I'm only familiar with local authority type jobs .

Chris1234567890 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:08:22

Gosh this is a sad thread OP, I am sorry you are where you are. Do you just have 1 DC? I think what I find sad is that this is so so common at DCs leaving for Uni age. (I know youve said its been difficult for a couple of years...but the 'almost adult children' phase and potential empty nesting does prompt re-evaluations of situations).

What I think I find sad is that (Im assuming here that DH is DCs dad) is you guys have done fantastically well, nearly 20 years together and raised a succesfull wonderful child (children?)

Dismissing that either one of you are having an affair (have you asked him?) it does strike me that this is more about re-discovering who both of you now are as 40yr olds. Can I urge time? Can you both agree to compromises over the next year or so to see if you can re-discover each other? Perhaps separate bedrooms would be a start, (my DH snores terribly and we keep different twilight hours so it works really well for us), separate bedrooms doesnt mean the death knell of a marriage. Perhaps discussing things like sex, and how for now its just not happening, BUT the thought of never having sex again for the rest of your lives is unthinkable, so a 'take a break' approach but both with the same goals n the long term?

What I think I find sad is that, you both probably want to get to the same destination. Probably still be with each other but being close, with easy conversation, having fun together as a couple again, Enjoying your DCs success. etc etc But have just found yourselves where you are and cant seem to find common ground out. You are different people to who you both were 20 years ago, but short of alcoholism, affairs, its really about discovering who you now are. Youve been a mum for so long, who are you going to be next?

Be selfish. Look outside for things that will interest you, hobbies, etc Let DC settle into Uni and adjust to not being a FT mum any more, and in the meantime, try to be as open as possible as you can with DH. Maybe even tell him that whilst you both seem terribly unhappy at the moment, youd possibly prefer perhaps to take time to re-adjust to your new ages and roles, than trash the whole marriage and possibly regret it. A great start is your acknowledgment that hes apparently as unhappy as you are. Youre clearly prepared to listen, and perhaps telling him just how unhappy and how close you are to seeking separation advice, may get him to turn his listening ears on too.

Q for both of you,if you could fix this and be happy, would you stick it out? If you both answer yes, then both of you will find no end of compromises to get through this patch (for that is what it is) and Im sure will be a far stronger and far far happier marriage coming out the other end. You must tell each other the things that really do wind you up. It can be so many silly little things, like sitting on the side of the bed to put socks on making the mattress shake and waking you up, or feeling like you have to lie in darkness because you dont want to disturb DH by putting a light on to read etc etc etc I know people talk about a date night. But Id just call it a no telly night. Tell me all the things I do that irritate, then Ill tell you yours. Its just one night only. The world isnt going to end. There is going to be sex afterwards. Im not going to ring your mother and get arsy smile The point being, its how do we be happy again, and being happy is about addressing the stuff that makes us sad, distant or annoyed.

I worked with a lady once, who was beside herself at her DC going away to Uni. Sobbed and sobbed in the office for weeks. (She was shocking hmm ) Anyway, come first christmas end of term, the DC returned home for 2 weeks. She went demented. "OMG! Ive loved going home to my clean kitchen, just how I left it, and now Im going home and have to start tidying up again after the little bugger..whens he going back?!!!!" Serious serious U turn.

And one other last thought. You know those old old couples who sit in the park holding hands adoring each other and inseperable in their twilight years? Theyve been through exactly what youre going through now.
Some may say, they were lucky enough to not fall out of love with each other at the same time during their marriage. Some may say they were lucky enough to not have enough money to split up during their marriage. But every one of them will have been where you are now. Sending flowers

c3pu Tue 26-Jul-16 11:09:37

By "Lower standards", it could mean anything which makes living more affordable.

It could range from:
Moving to a more affordable area if you live somewhere more expensive
Downsizing to a smaller property than you are used to, eg a flat instead of a house
Smaller/cheaper car, or none at all
Buying less expensive groceries
Cutting out things like subscription TV (sky, cable, etc)
Not taking holidays

Obviously difficult to make any firm advice without having any idea of your current living situation etc.

Chris1234567890 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:15:08

sorry one edit....There isnt going to be sex afterwards ........ apols

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 13:31:21

Thank you Chris for your sensitive and kind post
Yes if it could work then I think we would both be pleased
There has been lot stess of late with my job going
We have two dc our dd is doing as
We put an awful lot into dc and tend to put them first eg if any £ goes to them
We are in our 50 s not 40 s as had the Dc late after travelling etc !
My problem is that for years Dh has been very self contained and introverted - when we had young dc the house was full and busy and now they are teens the friends we made as parents of dc have fallen away and do now I notice how quiet he is , how he doesn't share stuff - it was too wild to notice before !
He doesn't want people round at weekend as wants to recover from his v stressful job , falls to sleep watching tv and goes off on his bike
With a small walk with me thrown into mix
I have lots friends and am v capable of going out with them which I do
But with him I feel isolated and bored and flat - I do approciate he works hard -however he has been like this a long time and I feel dragged down . For eg if I invite a friend Round he asks how long they are staying before they have even got here .

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 13:34:05

C3
My car is 22 years old and I shop at aldi
We have sky for Dh snd dc / that cd go
I have hair cut at home
I don't buy new clothes anymore
It Wd be ds losing out at uni -we are frugal to support him and dd when she goes and to reduce mortgage

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