To be fed up

[wheresthel1ght]

It is my birthday today. I hate my birthday at the best of times. Something ALWAYS happens to make it shit. Usually growing up my dad being a drunk arse or just an arse. As a result I always make sure other people's birthdays are lovely - presents they will like, food, meal out etc.


So we have dps kids this weekend and for the record every year on my birthday - not an issue I am not petty enough to demand it is altered unlike their DM however they have been Vile this weekend. I am guessing end of term tiredness mostly but as per bloody usual Dp does sod all about it. Dd has also been vile. Again over tired from the heat I think.

He promised he would get up with dd on Saturday - low and behold he didn't, I spent half hour trying to wake his lazy arse and get him up as she woke up at 5 to no avail. The others got up at 10 (they are 13 & 11) and completely ignored me, not a single word uttered when said good morning to or asked what they wanted for breakfast. Dp also ignored me so he got told.

Yesterday mildly better but still them all pleasuring themselves without a thought to anyone else.

This morning not a word uttered. No happy birthday from any of them.

Dp text me at about 1 and thinks I am being a complete cow for being pissed off at him.

Dsd picked up from school at 330, not a word asked her how her day was etc and am blanked. Not the slightest utterance of happy birthday

Dp has come up because I have shut myself in our room - I don't trust myself to be civil to him. And is again having a go because I have told him to leave me alone.

I am not cross at the kids particularly but i am livid that Dp has yet again ignored their behaviour and yet feels the need to tell me I am a cow because I don't want to be around him.

I am thoroughly fed up of being his absolute last thought. Aibu for this?

[UnexpectedBaggage]

YANBU. Stop helping him out. Don't pick the DSCs up from school. They are ill-mannered let him deal with it or let them walk.

[EnterFunnyNameHere]

No YANBU!

Is this a regular occurrence (birthdays aside)? I don't have experience of the step parent relationship, l though I can understand / imagine the strain... but frankly the promising to do things and then a) not doing them and b) not being remotely apologetic for not doing them would be enough to nark me right off.

You can excuse a certain level of bratty behaviour from kids/ teens (and it seems you do) but from a grown adult? Sounds like he is behaving like an extra stroppy teen to me.

[Amelie10]

Happy birthday op. Sorry you are having a bad one. Yanbu, at their ages they should know better and a simple 'happy birthday' doesn't really cost much. They actually sound like pretty horrible children. However as your dp isn't backing you up or sorting out their vile behaviour then they will continue to be ugly.

[Abraiid2]

YANBU.

[Abraiid2]

Oh, yes, and Happy Birthday!

[Bluecarrot]

Im really sorry your family aren't celebrating you how they should. :(
Perhaps now your oh is home you could take off and either a) find a nice coffee shop with delicious cake and bring a good book, or b) get in touch with some friends and go out with them if any available at short notice?
I'd be angry at the kids too btw. And their dad isn't being a good role model at all

[ailith]

Happy birthday! Of course you are not being unreasonable. It sounds miserable but try to rise above it all and treat yourself to your own choice of the best present ever!

[Chocoholicmonster]

No real advice I'm afraid as I've never been in a similar situation but YNBU & I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday 🎂

[wheresthel1ght]

Thank you! I was expecting to be told to grow up!

The kids are a product of their mum unfortunately and exceptionally self absorbed. Dp tried sometimes but has a "bigger battles" attitude.

I am hurt but not cross with the kids especially as dd is not quite 3 yet.

His dad and sister have just arrived so have to go and pretend now

As for usual occurrence - I wish I could say no but it is. We have this same row regularly - I. Fact it is the only row we ever have. But he usually does the hurt parent having his kids rejected crap and I back down.

My own sister hasn't even sent a message or a card (although she did only give birth last week) so wasn't expecting a card but considering neither her nor my mum have even sent a text I am feeling somewhat upset.

I expect to be second fiddle to his kids normally but I think given that it's my birthday I am allowed to be selfish for 1 day and not run about after them all

What is worse is he let slip what he had got me - a fucking blender for my "fat shakes" - who the hell does that????? If it wasn't a joke I am gonna lose my temper in a big way.


Dd has just done a card and brought it up and looked crest fallen when I asked her to leave me alone - dd has barely slept since about Tuesday of last week and I am exhausted. Need to go suck up to her I think!

[ailith]

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[Pisssssedofff]

I'd leave the bsdtard, it won't improve

[EnterFunnyNameHere]

It hardly sounds like you're "rejecting his kids" - that's clearly bollocks he says to get out of having to come up with an adult response to why he is being disrespectful to you on a regular basis.

And I personally don't think this is a case of being second fiddle to his kids either. It's not like you were expecting them to give up something for your benefit, just for them to act with some human kindness and for your DP to appreciate you more/at all!

It doesn't sound like he is very respectful / appreciative of you OP! Does he have good points?

I know you said you'd had repeated rows about this, but have you also had (or tried to have) a serious discussion about how this behaviour makes you feel, not in the heat of an argument? It sounds like you've just been ground down by so much of the same

[wheresthel1ght]

We talk he apologies promises to be better. Improves for a while and then back to square one. Repeat ad infinitum.

I think it probably says a lot that I can't even be bothered to have the argument again.

He has managed to make me feel absolutely worthless. He is acting like he has no idea what he has done wrong. I have stayed out the way, I simply cannot even bring myself to talk to him.

He makes zero effort for my birthday/Christmas where as I go all out - ok different people have different perspectives but he has even gone out and got a take away of kfc which I can't even eat and he bloody knows it.

I feel like our relationship has died a bit a lot today.

I guess it's not just about today, more his behaviour and lack of any thought has left me seeing how little I actually mean to him.

[Pisssssedofff]

I felt like that on my 30th birthday, in fact I told him if I had anywhere else to go I would have left. It didn't improve and we limped on for another 7 years destroying everything in the meantime. Have a serious think

[scootinFun]

I don't say this lightly, but LTB. The appalling lack of respect and concern for you...

[Shizzlestix]

Whose house are you living in? Because if it's yours, I'd be telling him to fuck off at least temporarily.

Stop looking after his kids, that's not your job. If he doesn't discipline them, fine, you don't either, nor do you pick them up, cook for them or pick up after them. Blanking you is disgusting, I don't care what their DM is like, they're old enough to make their own decisions about how to behave. Shocking, frankly. I would have stopped the car and to.d them to wait in school until their DF could get them.

[wheresthel1ght]

It is his house and I have no where to go. And I don't earn enough to live just me and dd without having benefits etc which I don't want to do really.

The kids thing is a long term issue and been going on for the last 4 years. But you are right they are now old enough and I have flipped this weekend and a fit of rage told all 3 of them they were selfish arseholes. Probably not my finest hour. Have also torn shreds off ds's for farting at the dinner table tonight. He admits he would never dream of doing it at his mums but has no answer for why he feels it is acceptable to do it here. I could excuse the odd slipped out one or even a heart felt apology but to sit their and laugh and seek approval for his rancid behaviour just booked my blood tonight.

I have barely said 2 words to any of them all evening. I just feel like they have absolutely no respect for me and I am fucking sick of it.

Dp does have some redeeming qualities and when I am not raging I am sure I will be able to tell you what they are

Thank you you wonderful ladies (or gents) you have made me feel much better. Thank you for not telling me I am an awful person

[Pisssssedofff]

Do you want your daughter treated the way you feel today ?
I was in a £500,000 house when I sat in that garden crying to my neighbour that he'd treated me badly .... We had everything two nice cars, head to toe Boden etc, I couldn't walk away from all that .... Well I wish I had because I can never get those years back, best years of my life and it got worse ... It gets worse

[Lunar1]

They are not a product of their mother. If dss is happy to be rude at dads dinner table but not at his mums that should tell you something.

Your step children are a product of both their parents. Make a plan with your dd to do something together for your birthday. Even if it's a little tea party together in the garden.

[wheresthel1ght]

Pissssed - it is never that straight forward though

Lunar - they are completely a product of her. At her own admission to me she never allowed Dp to parent. He has never been allowed to make decisions or discipline them under her roof. If he tries she would undermine him and tell them "daddy is a meanie" - when I first got together with Dp I naively thought us all getting on was best. She was very open with me over why their relationship failed (her cheating) and her views on rearing kids - never say no, never discipline etc. Our relationship went south after I fell pregnant and told Dp categorically that there would not be. 2 tier hierarchy and he would start dealing with his kids behaviour.


His issue is unless he witnesses it he refuses to get involved or deal with it. Dss especially is smart and has figured this out long ago so deliberately only does stuff when Dp isn't about. It has now got to the point that unless it suits me I refuse to have them without him being around. Which I hate. We are meant to be a family but I am always the last to be considered.

Dp usually doesn't do it deliberately he just doesn't think. But this weekend has just really made me flip.

We are due to go away in a couple of weeks and I am ready to cancel the whole thing and stay At work - he can deal with them all.

[Pisssssedofff]

No it's not straight forward, it needs planning and hard work. Time is so precious it really is

[george1020]

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? You are worth so much more.

[Memoires]

Don't blame you for not wanting to go. Stay at home and spend the time looking after yourself and not worrying about any of them!

They are all utterly disrespectful. You need to put your foot down. Take your time off when they go away, and when you batteries are recharged tell them how it's going to be in the future.