To not want to spend time with DP family (at least until the storm is over)(16 Posts)
DP comes from a VERY argumentative family. Almost every family lunch, weekend or occasion erupts into some sort of argument. Normally they start from nothing and turn into arguments about everything. They get very loud, hurtful things are said and I have to sit and watch. I understand families argue but seriously every time? To make matters worse this is all in my second language.
We've just spent the weekend together. Friday's argument started because of his sister. Today's argument because of his Dad and later because of my DP, with DP's mum throwing comments in between. Today's argument was particularly horrible between DP and sister with me trapped in the car between both of them saying horrible things to each other and both on the verge of tears. I said that I didn't want to be a part of this and DP's sister turned on me, saying I would never have to see her again as her relationship with her brother is over.
I feel like the environment is incredibly toxic. I genuinely like his family but hate being in this environment. They are family so 'get over it' but it makes me dislike them all. I try not to take sides, but it's hard not to.
What would you do? I've told him that I think he (and all of them) need to grow up and try and sit down and work on problems, I've also said that I'm not sure how much time I want to spend with them. To top all of this off, we're going to stay this Wednesday for a week, with all of them. I could cry . (By the way DP is not like this with me)
FYI: DP's parents are in their fifties. His sister is 31 with a young son. Her ex-h recently left due to never-ending arguments. DP and I are 4 years younger.
Don't tell him how his family should be and how to sort out their problems. This is them. If they want to change, they will. If they don't, they won't.
What do you mean I genuinely like his family but hate being in this environment.? It's not the wallpaper you object to. It's their behaviour, that is them.
Stay as far out of it as you can or you'll be an ex too. Not your problem. Stay away from the crazy.
I can't believe your DP is taking you to spend a week with them if he knows you hate the constant rowing. How could he go away with his sister anyway if she never wants to see him again? Pull out now.
You are right Run and I don't want to come across as a martyr, god knows my family have their own problems. But when they are literally screaming in the car at each other I feel like I have no choice.
When I say I like his family, I mean that they aren't horrible people who are mean etc. they just have really horrible fights. I don't want to be an ex but honestly I think about bringing children etc. into an environment like that.
Really we are going because we are in the middle of changing the contract on the house and his parents said we could stay with them. I understand that I am putting myself in this environment so I'm thinking of renting somewhere else for 6 days.
But due to recent break-up sis is now living there too with son.
My in laws do not get on all, when apart they are ok and one is actually lovely. I have extricated myself from the situation now and just don't see them together. It's bloody obvious they actually hate each other and the poison just seeps out.
Yes apart all fine, together a recipe for disaster. Maybe I need to start seeing them less, it's just difficult and I feel bad for not wanting to see them.
Definitely book somewhere else to stay.
Decide which events you will & won't go to. If your DH complains tell him it's this or divorce.
I'd make sure my contraception was bullet proof - I'm not sure I'd be having children with someone from a family like that and the apple seldom falls far from the tree. Be very, very, sure over a long period of time what your DH will be like as a father, especially if you go NC with his family. It might not be something he wants to go along with, his children not spending time with his family whilst you won't want that.
Some people live off drama. You don't have to, and your DC certainly don't have to.
It's not wrong to say this (repeatedly!)
I do sympathise; these family arguments are dreadful, and very upsetting. These arguments will inevitably turn on you as you become more involved in the family so you need to protect yourself now. You have agreed to go on this holiday so you must go, but if the arguments continue make it clear to your partner that you will not go again.
My ex-husband's family were like this; constant arguments usually started by father in law so he could score points off everyone.My sister in law's second husband threatened to leave after a particularly unpleasant session, so she sensibly sided with him, having seen her first marriage destroyed by her father. He only stayed infrequently after that and everyone knew why. My ex-husband was not so supportive and his family played a large part in the destruction of our marriage.
In terms of the week you will spend with them, prepare a range of possible local escape hatches: library, park, cafe, shopping centre, pub. Whenever it kicks off with your in-laws, take yourself away from the situation and leave them to slog it out. You are under no obligation to suffer their unreasonable behaviour. Longer term, I agree with a pp - do you really want to become part of this family permanently?
Thanks for all your replies.
My contraception is as bullet-proof as it can be right now. RE: last argument, DP and sister have set aside a time to talk, so who knows what will become of this.
I can feel the involvement increasing already, off-hand comments and sometimes I involve myself as it is difficult to shut up and stay put, I do not want to engage in this behaviour as it's an incredibly draining environment for everyone involved. I am worried that it will cause a rift Owl because I'm finding it increasingly difficult to contain my feelings and my face probably says it all.
Great idea about local escape -hatches. I still feel rude leaving and like I have to sit it out, especially as often it at their house. Luckily I'm going away for a month back to the UK so I can spend some time with my family and re-energising. I think that is one of the problems that as I have less family/friends around I feel trapped by the situation.
6 days? I'd find a cheap premier inn type place rather than stay with them.
It's not worth the aggro and I'd have no issue explaining exactly why I wasn't staying with them either.
How long have you been together?
Are you renting or buying the new place?
I'd spend the time in the UK having a REALLY good think about whether I wanted to be him if I were you. Do you really want a lifetime of this crap?
It takes 2 to argue, so your DP is as fault here. Why do you need to sit and listen? Why do you not shout at both of them to shut up or pull over so you can get out of the car while they squabble? Or walk out every single time? Show your DP it is not ok and the behaviour is driving you away.
I suspect it's also cultural. My family is very ranty and shouty compared to my DH's English family. But there is a lot more anger and seething resentment in DH's family - they just don't argue loudly.
It's the middle of summer the perfect time to find a cheap Airbnb and have a mini break either that or if you have to work so need to stay local find stuff to do, get friends to invite you round in the evening , go to the cinema, check for any evening events locally . Just because you are staying there doesn't mean you have to stay in.
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