To think parents make excuses too quickly for their child

(34 Posts)
Kungfupandaworksout16 Sat 23-Jul-16 14:00:10

Out as a group at a play centre a few mums with their LOs. One mum in particular her LB is getting a bit over excited ( we shall call him Bob and he's 4) and being a bit rough towards the other kids. We shout the children over for food and drinks, as they are making their way over Bob sort of tackles another LB from behind. Bobs mum and the other LBs mum goes over to check and bobs mum replies " boys will be boys eh" whilst the other mum is looking gob smacked at her answer.
So we carry on eating, chatting etc and the kids go back to play. Once again Bob is being a bit rough, bobs mum is whinging that the other kids must be doing something to provoke him because he's normally so well behaved. It rolls around for us all to go thank god, as the majority of the other parents are just glaring at us, as it some point Bob has injured or been rough with their LOs. Well Bob decides he doesn't want too leave and his the biggest tantrum I have ever witnessed including screaming and trying to attack his mum, his mum is making more excuses " oh he's tired "
"he's upset the other kids get to stay"
"He didn't get much play time"
( He did, his play time consisted of acting like he was in a wrestling match or drowning other children in the ball pit whilst sat smiling at his mum, and her cooing how he's well behaved)

Now AIBU to think she should of just held her hands up and said yeah he's being a little bugger instead of reeling of a list of excuses and in a way condoning his behaviour? I've seen this happen a few times with other parents and it just seems making excuses seems easier than telling them no.

Imnotaslimjim Sat 23-Jul-16 15:26:46

Yanbu. It always seems to be children that are minimally parented that have parents that insist they are "usually so well behaved"

TheUnsullied Sat 23-Jul-16 15:34:21

YANBU. In those circs, she needed to admit her kid was being too unruly to stay and carried him out to leave rather than making excuses for him.

Waitrosejunkie1 Sat 23-Jul-16 15:39:57

What other "excuses" OP?

Waitrosejunkie1 Sat 23-Jul-16 15:41:11

And is this ALL parents, or this parent, or the parents of kids who behave like this?

Lurkedforever1 Sat 23-Jul-16 15:43:41

Yanbu. I'd never judge a parent on how dc behave, however I'll admit I will judge a parent who does fuck all about it, whilst coming up with a list of excuses as to why it's ok. Especially if the use the word 'spirited' or 'sensitive' to justify their dc's behavior and their non reaction.

NickiFury Sat 23-Jul-16 15:44:48

She should have taken him out but other than that what do you expect her to do? Join you all in slagging her own kid off? I bet she was embarrassed and maybe this is unusual for him hence the "making excuses".

skatesection Sat 23-Jul-16 15:48:15

I know someone who was like this about her dog
"Oh he NEVER steals biscuits" as he's fecking stealing a biscuit... She was in major denial.

I think it's because some people see their children as their personal handiwork, rather than little people with their own motivations. So if Bob (or Fido for that matter), is doing something antisocial, it means the ADULT approves of this behaviour. So, they act like it's a one-off. They might even persuade themselves of that.

SoftBlocks Sat 23-Jul-16 15:48:44

Agree with Lurked - I don't judge the parents by the child's behaviour but I certainly judge their reaction to it. Especially when hitting and pushing is considered acceptable because the child is male.

Comedyusername Sat 23-Jul-16 15:51:32

My boy is 3 and if he acted up like that I'd be having a word about the rough play and apologise and probably make some excuses too

CoolCarrie Sat 23-Jul-16 16:38:12

An ex fiend of mine had 5 dcs, the oldest ds is a bloody nightmare.
My parents bought our ds a remote control sailing ship for his birthday which took us ages to set up as we had to string all sails etc. The little sod, the oldest one 9, decided to undo the whole thing 😡, her excuse was ' he wants to see how it fitted together, he is so clever etc, I said if he is that bloody clever, he can put it all together again, which of course he couldn't

He was a jealous wee boy , pure and simple! I used to feel a bit sorry for him as he did not chose to have so many siblings and there wasn't a lot of money around, but the finisher from me was when the boy tried to drown my ds in swimming pool, i went nuts, and we haven't seen them since, thank goodness! Some kids need reining in, especially if it's causing harm to others, it is as simple as that imho!

toobreathless Sat 23-Jul-16 16:48:30

I think some parents are pretty ineffective when it comes to actually parenting their DC.

But this is not the case with the vast majority of parents I know who definitely do not excuse their child's behaviour.

Saying that I have very little tolerance of bad behaviour from my DC or others and would not socialise with parents like Bob's.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Sat 23-Jul-16 19:28:18

I just think it's a common thing with some parents that when their child is in the wrong, rather than apologise or admit fault they try to pass blame and I don't get why. My LO isn't old enough for this stuff yet, but I've taken my DNs out I wouldn't let them behave like this!
waitrose other examples were along the lines of boys being more boisterous, boys have more energy , he's just excited to be with all his friends. No valid excuses really.

Nicki Hardly slagging the child, it's the mothers behaviour I'm confused about. She should be guiding him and setting an example, he's a child who doesn't know much better. My question is why do parents of children like this allow the behaviour and try and pass the blame rather than tackle it head on. I'm sorry if you feel it's a " let's all pick on Bob thread "

NickiFury Sat 23-Jul-16 19:40:14

I don't know because I don't know any parents like this. I know parents who parent differently to me but I don't sit with all my friends in mass judgment on them together so maybe that's the difference?

I'm not even trying to be awkward, I just don't know these soft ineffectual parents that crop up so often on MN. I know plenty of kids who have off days/weeks etc and their parents struggle with parenting them sometimes (I am one of them) though.

Vinorosso74 Sat 23-Jul-16 20:04:55

I think everyone has tough days so most parents do struggle an make excuses some days. However, one thing you say is the "boys will be boys" comment. That really annoys me as if boys can get away with behaving differently to girls and parents allow differong behaviours....

hotdiggedy Sat 23-Jul-16 20:22:06

It is very annoying when parents excuse their childs behaviour by saying its because they are tired.

mikado1 Sat 23-Jul-16 20:40:18

Really? My ds2 (4) isn't worth taking out when really tired often up at 5.30 he gets so frazzled and it's a nightmare, easier to stay home and expend less energy. Agree that the parent's lack of response here would annoy, particularly boys will be boys comment.

hotdiggedy Sat 23-Jul-16 20:46:58

Goodness. I'm talking about them using tiredness as an excuse when they are not tired, just being a pain.

WiMoChi Sat 23-Jul-16 20:47:23

My LG is a hitter pincher biter etc. Every time she does it I remove her and tell her no it hurts etc.

It's so mortifying and hard and I'm sure we will lose friends. It's completely and utterly unacceptable on our behalf. But I literally do not know what else to do. Don't believe in shouting or hitting a child so won't use that. I always apologise profusely to the victim.

Having said that it is always provoked and she can't say 'no don't take my toy.' Which is usually when this happens for us. Or if she gets a stealth whack or kick or pinch form another child, which the parent often doesn't see but I do as I watch her like a hawk to avoid these scenarios. IYSWIM. Then my LG gets a telling off but the other one doesn't. In fact I've had parents excuse their kids behaviour recently. Oh she would never do that first. Yeah ok 🙄

It's a tough one OP IMO. ✌️

SenoritaViva Sat 23-Jul-16 20:49:15

I read your post as saying it was time we all went to thank god, which made me think it was a funny play are grin. Very annoying parent by the way.

youarenotkiddingme Sat 23-Jul-16 20:56:26

There are plenty of parents out there who excuse their child's behaviour.

However now my DS is older Ive come to realise those parents are actually often lacking in self esteem in their own ability to parent. So a vicious cycle begins.
Child misbehaves, parent doesn't have confidence to deal with it, child gets self of entitlement and behaves worse, parent feels more in above their head and so on.

I often then see them develop into the "my child would never do that" camp until the child ends up lacking in friends once they near end of juniors.

Ime though of the parents like this they have eventually realised they need to put in to get out with regards behaviour and they've stepped up.

I do realise though some children do go through life with parents who don't parent them - I feel for those children really.

ChoudeBruxelles Sat 23-Jul-16 21:05:25

Fucking hate "boys will be boys" as an excuse for shit behaviour and parenting.

I've basically broken off a friendship recently because of that attitude after years of ds getting upset with other child's violent and excluding behaviour.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Sat 23-Jul-16 21:41:18

WiMoChi but you're not making excuses! You even said you'll correct your child when they do wrong. You wouldn't make the comment " your child provoked mine that's why my child hit yours "

Nikki yes. Parenting is done differently , but my point is these parents are the kind that believe their children do no harm and would be the first to complain if their child was hurt etc.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Sat 23-Jul-16 21:42:46

Nikki this was my first meeting with this particular mum but from what other mums have said this is a common thing. It's not an off day as you put it.

SparkleSoiree Sat 23-Jul-16 21:54:58

To be honest, I've never seen any of my friends publicly slate their child in front of other parents and certainly haven't seen any of them concerned about our opinions at the point their child was misbehaving!

It's always so easy to judge that parent whose not having the best day saying "they should have done this" or "should have said that". They probably already feel the weight of parents judging them when in actual fact those parents judging haven't yet reached the absolutely mind-bending, emotionally challenging depths of parenting which teaches you never to judge other parents. Those are the teen years and you just pray that you get an easy teen. Little Bob's rough and tumble is the least of your worries at that point.

So, for judging her reasoning and not understanding how she may have felt as another parent, YABU.

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