to ask DH to spend half of his fathers birthday with my family?

(18 Posts)
Lucinda15 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:48:34

This Sunday we have a clash. My FILs birthday and a family gathering on my side, with some members of the family coming together for first time in around 5 years. I promised my aunt (organising the gathering) that we couldn't stay all day but wld be there for a couple of hours 12-2pm, explaining we would have to head off for my FILs birthday BBQ that afternoon. I discussed this with DH and all fine. Except tonight he clarified that he would not be coming to my family gathering, and had assumed the 'us' attending was just me and our DS. He said he would be spending the whole day with his dad, my FIL.

Now, I do understand he is his dad, but let me explain a little history. Whenever there has been a gathering or celebration of any sort, my FIL will put minimum effort in. He appears for a couple of hours max and then can be found in front of the tv, or in bed having a nap. It's widely accepted he dsnt 'do' gatherings and that's just the way it is.

My family gathering will involve family members from half way up the country that my DH has never met (in 12 years of being together) who have new babies that I have never met. while I totally understand that my DH wants to spend the day with his dad, I don't understand how he can't spare half a day for something that will be quite important to me and my family.

And it irks me that he prioritises his dad when we actually get very little back from him. I know it's the principle of it, it's his dad and he loves him. But, really, what's the deal with arriving a couple of hours late??? And he has two other sons with families who will be there. And we will be there ALL afternoon. And more to the point, I guarantee that my FIL will be in bed or sat in front of the tv for most of the day.

I don't think my DH will budge and I will be going to my family doo alone with ds and thats the way it is. but I'm grumbling a bit within myself wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

Hurrumpf.

justilou Fri 22-Jul-16 18:50:39

Ditch FIL - he doesn't "do" gatherings. Clearly he doesn't like them. I don't think he'll be heartbroken.

Sparkletastic Fri 22-Jul-16 18:52:31

It's your DH that sounds like he can't be arsed with your family do. Like father like son.

Creampastry Fri 22-Jul-16 18:53:30

Just go to your family gathering with kids and not see FIL. Sorted.

RubbleBubble00 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:54:16

Sounds like he doesn't want to go tbh

MollyTwo Fri 22-Jul-16 18:54:18

Maybe it's better to spend the day separately at your respective families? I can't imagine why your DH would want to spend the day with people he hasn't seen in 12 years over his dad's birthday even if they don't end up doing much.

Leeds2 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:54:35

I too would go to your family gathering, with DS, and I would stay all day.

AyeAmarok Fri 22-Jul-16 18:56:06

Just let your DH go to his dad's birthday and you and DS go to yours.

Lilaclily Fri 22-Jul-16 18:59:11

I'd tell dh if he's not bothering with your family gathering you aren't bothering with his

Lucinda15 Fri 22-Jul-16 19:00:43

Yes perhaps you're right. I hadn't thought of it that way. I dnt suppose he would want to spent time with people he dsnt know over his dad, regardless of what his family gathering involves. But I suppose I was just hoping for a bit of support. Wld like him to meet the family. God knows when we will all meet up again. But it's not the end of the world. I like the idea of staying there all day. But I know my FIL will be very offended if he dsnt see my DS on his birthday and that will cause friction. But perhaps I will arrive fashionable late and won't rush off at 2.....

Coconutty Fri 22-Jul-16 19:01:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji Fri 22-Jul-16 19:18:33

If he hasn't met them in 12 years, surely they are not THAT important. Even for you.

Why the clash, though? If you're helping your aunt organising it, didn't you remember your FIL's birthday?

We almost had a family gathering recently, and ended up seeing quite a few of them too. It made me realise that there's a reason for the distance, for most of them. Either nuts or basically twats.
Not saying that's your case, but I'd certainly put first people we see regularly and are part of our lives for those we haven't seen in 12 years.

MapMyMum Fri 22-Jul-16 19:23:59

You go to your family do and DH should go to his family do... no big deal

Lucinda15 Fri 22-Jul-16 19:26:42

Ah well no I didn't help organise it. And I spose the only family we haven't seen for a long time and that I'm interested in seeing are my cousins. Especially those who have just had a baby. I last saw them when my DS was born 5 years ago. DH didn't come to that gathering either. Any gatherings prior to that were when we were in our early twenties and still in the early few years of being together and I suppose he managed to avoid extended family gatherings on account of the fact that I didn't want to put him thru that yet!! I guess my family gathering is not that important but I know it will be years till we see them again and I actually quite like my cousins even if we hardly see them and I wld just like to introduce my DH and make the most of the visit. Rather than put my FIL first who we see very regularly and seems not to care whether it's his birthday or not. But. No I do understand my DH probably cldnt care less bout my family who I hardly ever see, and wld much rather see his dad. I get it, and its ok. I think we will just be at seperate places this wknd! X

Lweji Fri 22-Jul-16 19:33:03

It may not be that he doesn't care less about your family.
But his, and particularly his dad, is definitely more important than long lost cousins.

Having lost my dad very recently, I'd certainly give him priority over any cousins.

Lucinda15 Fri 22-Jul-16 19:49:19

Yes I understand all that. i lost my dad too and i know time with loved ones is precious.

I guess perhaps I'm feeling that There is an imbalance between time given to each of our families. Or, rather, time spent as a couple at gatherings. I give a lot of time to his family. And am ALWAYS at his family gatherings with him. I dnt think I've ever missed anything. Whereas he has missed a number of things.

I wld really like to introduce him to my extended family. And it's two hours of his day. Not even half of the day. But, I'm gonna leave it. Like many have said on this thread, I will go and enjoy the day & he can enjoy his day. Sounds like he is not keen, and I do really understand now I've seen a different angle to it.

I still think perhaps he cld be making more of an effort with my family, but his fathers birthday is not the day to be making a point about it! I'll leave it for another time! X

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 22-Jul-16 19:59:12

I think that if you are referencing local family then you may have a point but for family that you haven't seen for a long time (and they haven't exactly made any effort either) then YABU.

Tryingtostayyoung Fri 22-Jul-16 20:05:34

Sparkletastic Exactly what I was thinking!!

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