DP interview feedback (SAHP)

(56 Posts)
YesIDoFeelBetter Thu 21-Jul-16 10:57:50

DP has been a SAHP for 4 years. He has been since ds was 4wks old and I returned to full time work. He quit his job to facilitate me doing this so that we would be better off long term. I had no maternity as was self employed but for stability returned to paid employment after the birth. We have 3dc.

The reality was that I still 'ran' the house for a good while as I was able to work a couple of days from home each week so he saw me as 'there' if that makes sense? I ended up travelling into work on my work at home days after the first 18mths to try to break this cycle.
We were having (unusual for us) rows about stupid little things like the dishwasher. All bills, paperwork, child related stuff (dr/plays/trips/dinner money/etc) I still do now as stepping back and letting him find his way led to missed appointments and non payments and such over the six months that he was doing these.

Now it is time to get a job (as agreed) as ds starts school in September. He was not enthralled by this idea but we filled in applications and he had an interview last week. He didn't get the job but when his feedback email came through it said that he was 'not enthusiastic enough about working at <insert company> and seemed disengaged with the interview process'.

AIBU to be a bit livid that he is trying to renege on our deal by not being the charming, well educated and lovely self at interview so as to avoid going back to work or should I cut him some slack (and pick up the slack myself) while he re-acclimatises into the job market?

traveladdict Thu 21-Jul-16 11:15:50

Just going off your op, I'd say get off his back. Honestly it sounds like he's not ready for whatever reason and prob needs a bit more encouragement/support. 4 years is a long time to be at home and his confidence might be low, plus your ds hasn't even started school yet and it sounds like you're practically frog marching him to interviews. hmm

I'm a Sahm who intends to go back to work when my dd goes to school in sept, but I would be seriously unimpressed if my dh was being so militant about me getting a job immediately. It's important to him as well as me that i take my time to find the right job and settle dd in at school as well. He is supportive of that, and not critical. You should may not even want this particular job but doesn't know how to tell you to back off a bit?

I don't mean to be harsh, but if you love him, treat him with respect and talk to him openly about why he might be struggling with getting back to work.

The issues about him being crap at dealing with bills/admin etc are totally separate to this and should really have been addressed before now. I suspect you're resentful that you work and also pick up a lot of the slack, which is why you're keen to get him back to work. I get it, but I think you need to communicate all this to him and agree a way forward together?

BarbaraofSeville Thu 21-Jul-16 11:26:03

He may have been disengaged and unenthusiastic or could it have been one of those companies that have bollocks interview techniques and expect candidates to come up with really creative answers to questions about why they want to work with company X or what they would do if a gorilla entered the room right now.

The last time I had an interview it appeared that two of the panel had spent a lot of time watching the apprentice or something which I never have apart from clips on the news and they asked some really odd questions and it all felt like I was missing out on some in joke.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Thu 21-Jul-16 11:43:22

Actually I think YANBU - if he's normally articulate then it shouldn't be difficult to muster some enthusiasm, even if he has to fake it. It does sound like he's not keen on going back to work, perhaps he was hoping for a few months of sitting around before going back into the labour market.

tiggytape Thu 21-Jul-16 11:53:09

Maybe he's lost his confidence a bit and genuinely didn't come over well at interview as opposed to sabotaging it?

OllyBJolly Thu 21-Jul-16 11:55:54

His first interview after four years out of the workforce? Cut him some slack. Very difficult getting back into "work head" after being completely in charge of your own time and thoughts while at home.

The truth is, someone else got the job and the company has to give feedback. Maybe he was just pipped at the post and that's the best they came up with. Maybe he slouched in his chair and gazed out the wind. He got an interview - that's an amazing achievement. Congratulate him on getting so far and tell him he's one interview closer to getting a job.

Tiggeryoubastard Thu 21-Jul-16 11:57:54

Judging by everything else you've put he sounds a cocklodger.

traveladdict Thu 21-Jul-16 12:09:23

How do you figure that tigger? He's a sahp, currently looking after his ds, enabling the op to work. Is childcare not classed as work then? confused

He did badly in one interview op. Talk to him, see if there's a bigger problem. If not he probably just needs to get his 'work head' back on as a previous poster said.

Are people really implying he's a cocklodger if he doesn't have a full time job lined up for the second his ds starts school? God forbid he has a day or week to himself whilst trying to find something suitable.

harderandharder2breathe Thu 21-Jul-16 12:09:40

You know that when your child starts school there's likely to be half days and lots of sickness from suddenly mixing with 30 kids? DP is going to find it hard to take a lot of time off if he's just started in a new job, are you going to be able to do so and without resentment? If not, it might be work putting off the new job thing til DC has settled in school

You don't sound very supportive tbh... Have you spoken to him about how he feels the interview went? Is he surprised by the feedback or does he admit it's fair?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Thu 21-Jul-16 12:09:55

It doesn't sound like you have much respect for him so the interview feedback is likely just the icing on the cake.

Most SAHPs claim they are at home just for looking after the children not the home or bills so he's not doing anything less than most SAHPs do.

I'd not be happy supporting him though, we are a team and that means we share everything. Neither expects to opt out of the important things like working and financially enabling us to survive as a family. No reason any adult can't work and be a parent unless severe needs are at play.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Thu 21-Jul-16 12:14:10

I wouldn't be too hard on dh.

My dh just got told he didn't have sufficient 'craft skills' at interview.

It was a digital marketing job, not whittling wood!

They actually meant they couldn't afford to pay him market rate, but were not about to admit it.

Tiggeryoubastard Thu 21-Jul-16 12:16:49

The op was doing all the work. He was not coping, it's not the hardest stuff in the world to do and remember most things (I accept everyone forgets things at times). The op had to at least help him with the job interview. He didn't even try at the interview. That's pretty bad feedback. If a company has the time/inclination to give feedback I doubt the result was because of their interview practices. The child is starting school but he still doesn't want to get a job as per the agreement. Taken together that equals cocklodger.

tava63 Thu 21-Jul-16 12:18:38

YABU. First of all this was his first interview in many years so this can in itself be very challenging - interviews are very stressful. I sometimes give interview practice to friends and have a few times been amazed by people who come across as confident normally being anything but during an interview (bear in mind that this is a practice one and with a friend!). I find what the Company wrote quite unusual but one worth discussing to help your husband prepare for future interviews ..... so reviewing this interview did he know enough about the Company, why does he think that he came across as disengaged (people obviously don't see their own body language - perhaps he was tapping his foot - a nervous reaction or not making eye contact - again possibly down to nerves). Separately is he clear enough about what he wants to do and how does he CV stack up. Interviews are stressful situations and there will be more people disappointed than accepted. He did very well getting to the interview stage especially with a 4 year gap. My guesstimate is that he will need to get to up to 6/7 more interviews (and that is after all the applications that don't make it through the screening process) for roles that make sense to his CV) before he will get an offer. Best of luck.

DoinItFine Thu 21-Jul-16 12:24:48

He's obviously not cut out for being a SAHP if you are having to do all the domestic admin.

Is he generally lazy and a liar?

How does he feel about the feedback?

SaggyNaggy Thu 21-Jul-16 12:27:14

I'm sorry but I'm with ypu op.

If a wn man can't run a house properly and Well-known ensure every need of his working partner is met and exceeded than he's not a particularly great partner is he? He's a lead weight that would be better off being cut free.

Not paying bills is stupid. Set up direct debit.
Missing appointments, stupid, calendar on phone of a cork board in the kitchen.
Not doing the cleaning and other house stuff, stupid, its not rocket science to turn a washer on or hoover up.

He's done a rubbish job as a sahp and keeps needing ypou to wipe his arse for him. Its pathetic. If he truly is considered "well educated" then I'd say his qualifications must be in something totally use
less.

I'd say, speaking as a SAHD, that he needs his ass handing to him and good boot up tjhe arse. Stop wiping his backside and spell it out to him. Get a job or fuck off.

I will just add that it really annoys me when a SAHD is useless and is basically using nos kid as an excuse not to go to work. If my gf had to wpork and still do things at home I'd feel like a failure. Its pathetic if a grown man can't run a house and raise a child.

Jayfee Thu 21-Jul-16 12:27:47

Oh my, I have always been hopeless at interviews but good at my job, so most promotion was when I was the internal candidate. When I went back to work after four years at home, i started very part time and my hours grew rapidly till I was offered a full time job. So, support your dp, help him practise for his next interview and perhaps if possible he can try for something part time. Lots of tips online for how to write cvs, approach interviews etc. And it seems to me you are being unreasonable although who knows what other issues there might be underlying why you feel the way you do.

Jayfee Thu 21-Jul-16 12:29:16

I just read saggy naggy...wow...I am lost for words!

OneArt Thu 21-Jul-16 12:29:57

YANBU to expect him to get a job now DS is at school. I would not be impressed by him being 'not enthralled' by this.

However I think YABU about the interview feedback - as others have said, it's not easy to go to your first interview after four years out of the workplace, and the feedback given isn't always an accurate reflection of the truth.

DoinItFine Thu 21-Jul-16 12:30:33

Saggy grin

You sound like my DH.

I'd think you were him except he's not a SAHD.

But he has about your level of patience for men being shite at looking after their own homes and children.

Gottagetmoving Thu 21-Jul-16 12:33:43

His lack of enthusiasm could definitely be down to having lost confidence and he may feel too proud to admit this.
I was well educated and an outgoing person who had always been confident and good at my job, but after a break of several years when my children were young, I found every excuse I could to not to return to work.
I was really scared of interviews and starting at a new place.
I did some part time work in a pub ( was even scared of that) and began to feel more confident and then I enrolled for some training to get me back up to speed with new systems etc.

Your DP may need some encouragement and understanding.

MLGs Thu 21-Jul-16 12:35:34

Gut feeling on what I've read is YANBU.

You'd have to be there to know absolutely, but the fact you have to pick up so much of the household admin even though you work outside the home and he does suggests he's a bit lazy.

I would try talking to him about the interview in a non-confrontational way. His response will probably give you the answer - an angry, defensive response will probably tell you he is being lazy and sabotaging things.

george1020 Thu 21-Jul-16 12:35:46

Well saggynaggy I have to say I find it quite amazing you have a DP!

What a shitty attitude.

GloGirl Thu 21-Jul-16 12:36:03

Yabu. Roles reversed I have been a SAHM for a few years and my DH went out to work and did all you did and more for our family. You sound like you were doing him a favour by doing chores around the home.

VioletBam Thu 21-Jul-16 12:39:22

I would be thinking like you too OP but as it was his first interview I would wait to see what feedback is like for the next two.

It COULD have been the company. Maybe they want ridiculous, over the top employees.

What you've described though...I'd be kicking his arse OUT of the door and to work. He's not pulling his weight ANYWHERE is he?

GloGirl Thu 21-Jul-16 12:39:33

Saggy - hands up then I was a pathetic woman who found it impossible to have 2 under 4 and do every single task related to the home.

Stay at home parent does not equal 24 hour perfect housekeeper and child care provider. My husband had to do more than work 9-5 to be a part of our family.

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