... to stop contact now ?

(4 Posts)
Pendu Wed 20-Jul-16 08:58:03

Icopied from parenting because I had no replies sorry ....

I'll try to cut this down.

Basically I left my ex 4 years ago and went to a refuge. I signed something from the council (?) that my ex couldn't see the kids - great. We went far away and were going to set up our lives.

During this time he put prohibited steps on me due to my religion (it's not a "UK" religion but I'm white British with at that time no ties to its "main country". I let it go since I didn't even have a passport and carried on. At this time the person who served me the notice said my mother had given my ex my phone number and the refuge suggested I move as we didn't know what else he now has.

Charges were dropped (main things were historical) and the agreement I signed went out the window. He then wanted contact and I trusted him (biggest mistake of my life) and let him see the kids.

He then refused to return them as he wasn't happy with me being so far (6/7 hours away) and I panicked and up sticks, packed my car, put my keys in the letter box and went to get my dc thinking I'd find temporary housing where he would allow and at least I would get them back (I was breastfeeding one at the time)

Once I left I was homeless but voluntarily. He refused to let me have them and then I spoke to my solicitor who said I needed a home before he could get them returned. But I stupidly left my home.

I slept a while in my car (I was younger and so stupid and naive) then went to my mums who didn't want the dc there (fancy house - lots of antiques etc) I owned a home with ex but he refused to ask the tenants to leave (we both needed to sign the paperwork) and I had to go to court to enforce it. He didn't want the kids, he just wanted me back under his control. 2.5 months later I got the house back and got my dc.

I had to sign that he had visitation as part of the bargain.

Now I'm stuck. I tried to give him chances but at every opportunity he uses the dc against me - throwing a religion item they (chose to) wear in the bin when they visit, telling them my religion is stupid and we are stupid, cutting their hair against their wishes (I give them religious freedom but 2 of them wanted to follow it but he banned it) , texting me at every opportunity if he "found something out" like any job I did or study I did - always complaining at me and swearing at me.

I pay for one dc to go to private school as he has been really affected - he used to soil himself when I was married, and have tried for years to help him for example cahms. He now is thriving partly because his class size is tiny and he has improved a lot there . But my ex keeps interfering - telling his teachers I have mental problems, I'm abusive, and even tells that dc he doesn't have to go to school that I "force him to" (he's happy there but then uses this nearly every morning when he doesn't want to go to school "daddy says I don't have to go" "daddy says don't listen to you".

I also pay for him to go horse riding - not General lessons, it's more than that (think like army cadets on horses). He has to be committed and he loves it but is lazy about going. He doesn't want to quit, but my ex says every other weekend that he doesn't want to go and I force him. He's now told social services I force him. I've offered to cancel it (it was a 4 year waiting list) but my DC doesn't want to cancel it , but obviously would rather doss about at home without encouragement. Also the horses have helped a lot with his behaviour problems (tantrums/ swearing/ outbursts @ 10 yr old) .

All he does in his contact time is let them (aged between 5 and 10) play 18+ games, they come home sometimes with flea bites, no homework done, the youngest never wears his eye patch there, he even pulls down his trousers and farts in their faces. My eldest has drank alcohol there and my ex just laughs at me for all this.

My eldest is now going to see a private psychologist at school in sept ( his problems arent constant so cahms has always slipped past us despite signing for 2 referrals) but I know the route of the problems but it's falling on deaf ears.

I stopped dropping them at my ex because nothing has changed and he now picks them up when he fancies. I had work at 8 on a Saturday morning (he's due Friday 630 pm) and his exact words were "tough shit, phone in sick" and insisted coming at 10 just because of this.
Another time he dropped them early at my work rather than wait for his actual drop off time, so I had to hide them in my works bathroom for an hour with a film on my phone 

There is nothing positive that I can overlook the build up of issues "- my oldest especially is like a time bomb. 10 yr old still bed wetting and copies exactly my ex "dads right - go fuck yourself " "dad says your a shit mother , he's right" over small issues. All my steps are going down the drains and I just can't carry on.

What can I do?

trafalgargal Wed 20-Jul-16 11:52:19

You need a solicitor that specialises in Family law. You may be able to arrange supervised access in a contact centre instead. I'd suggest you write down as many of the current incidents as you can remember in a timeline and keep a diary of them from now on with any back up evidence like photographs too.

trafalgargal Wed 20-Jul-16 11:54:14

Don't give him ammunition by stopping access because he will take you back to court and use your lack of cooperation as a stick to beat you with.

Pendu Wed 20-Jul-16 12:34:47

Thankyou. I don't and haven't stopped anything yet , I just stopped dropping them off as a) it was taking me hours on a Friday evening without any actual benefit for the DC and b) I wanted him to step up if he actually wanted to see them, but I make them available at his time .

I booked an appointment for tomorrow with a solicitor and a children's worker came today and agreed with me that the DC are getting very messed up (she says my 10 yr old acts like a 2yr old) and agreed minimal or no contact will be best for them.

Fingers crossed

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