To ask how you get them to 'grow up'?

(7 Posts)
Fairyliz Tue 19-Jul-16 14:21:36

I have two children aged 19 and 22 so technically adults, and the general consensus on MN would be that they should sort out their own lives.
However how do I leave them to sort things out if I end up being the one to pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong?
Eg silly example - my DD has to sort out insurance for her uni accomodation. If she chooses the wrong insurance it might cost me an extra £50 or in worse case scenario find out that she is not covered after a break in so I end up paying out for new laptop etc.
So wise women of MN what do you do? How do you let go? How much of sorting out do you do?

OfficiallyUnofficial Tue 19-Jul-16 14:22:49

Well if she's never done it before you surely just do things like that together the first time then next time she'll know how?

OfficiallyUnofficial Tue 19-Jul-16 14:24:56

So basically if they know how and are being lazy don't do it and don't take responsibility for consequences e.g. Replace laptop.

All "new" skills do together first time.

Just don't fall into the trap of doing everything for them because they expect it or you feel worried about it.

Nothing wrong with a bit of help, I'm 39 and my Dad still puts my big bin out 😂

BertieBotts Tue 19-Jul-16 14:26:04

Yes I don't think it literally means drop them in the deep end smile It's more a gradual tapering off of assistance - so you wouldn't sort out the insurance and just post her the documents, you'd let her do a bit of research to see what she picks and then have a check to see if it's okay. Or sit down and research them with her.

If something isn't going to affect you personally then you don't need to have input in it but of course you'd be there for advice and support.

NarcyCow Tue 19-Jul-16 14:42:39

Definitely help the first time they do something new, we all like a bit of pointing in the right direction when we haven't seen something before.

corythatwas Tue 19-Jul-16 14:54:00

I think it is more an ongoing discourse where they gradually come to realise that they are responsible for their own decisions and that no one will come running to the rescue if they mess up, because that is what adult life is like. So rather than just picking up the tabs, how about giving her a regular allowance and making sure that that is what she is getting, no more? Consequently, she has to be prepared that in case of a break-in, that is the only money there is to replace the laptop, whether she chooses to do that through sorting out insurance now or not eating when she needs to find the money for the laptop. If she doesn't want to spend time chasing the best value insurance, then that 50 pounds is 50 pounds she doesn't have to spend on clothes or a social life.

This doesn't mean you can't sit down and discuss the options with her and help her with the paperwork. I discuss my financial options with my bank manager. Doesn't mean I then expect her to come running to help me if I mess up.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 19-Jul-16 14:55:59

Show, watch, monitor then release. Or thereabouts. So the first time you get her insurance with her watching. Second time she gets it's while you watch. Third time just ask if she got it. Last time let her do it and if she doesn't, she gets a new laptop herself. Or uses the Uni computers. This is a terrible example but YSWIM.

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