Re: expectations of adult son

[Tink06]

I genuinely don't know. He is 20 and home from uni. Mil lives with us as she can barely stand without her zimmer. She doesn't need any personal care but we do all her meals, drinks and tablets. We don't use carers but have 3 older children, all of whom have finished college etc and between us we manage. I don't think its unreasonable to say to any of them you do nans lunch as you are at home anyway (to whoever - probably shared evenly). One of us nips home if they all have plans. I nearly always do the evening meal, dh does breakfast it usually lunch n doesnt have to be elaborate. That's all - no care, a basic meal, a drink n take tablets from a nomad n put them on her table. Don't expect them to stay home but do it when they are in anyway. We are all except eldest son going away for a fortnight shortly. He has a holiday job but the plan was always he was taking 2 weeks off, looking after Nan , dogs n other pets n getting paid for it. Sightly less than his wages but he was happy as not exactly hard work. Would also involve washing her clothes n probably other minor jobs but thats all. Much easier than his job n she didn't want carers coming in. Today though things have deteriorated to such an extent that I don't even trust him to feed the animal's. Twice this week have come home to her in tears. He burnt her lunch the other day, forgot it was in the oven, went back upstairs n then told her to stop whinging when she said it was inedible.
Similar thing today. Boiled a pan of soup almost dry, then left her to shoot back upstairs n she smashed the dish as he ignored her shouting him to take it away n get her tablets.
Aibu unreasonable to think he lives here rent free, we help him out (and so does she with an allowance) at uni? These aren't horrible strenuous chores n he can't even manage them. We are going away in 2 weeks and now having to source very expensive care (which she really didn't want) and to be honest I don't even trust him to feed the pets. I have visions of him forgetting the fish n Guinea pigs and dread what we might come home too. Am going to have to ask someone to have them. Money isn't the main issue, she has had carers before and didn't like it. To be honest I am livid with him
I feel like telling him to pay board himself now. I feel like he needs a dose of reality n we mollycoddle him. If he can help out, even when he is being paid then why should we sub him? It costs me a fortune when he us home especially in food. Aibu?

[LilQueenie]

If that is how he treats his grandmother I would leave him to buy his own food, cook it, clean his own clothes and pay rent otherwise he would be out. I wouldn't leave him with your mil either.

[thefourgp]

It's his gran. He should be taking care of her without being paid. Stop giving him money immediately and start charging rent. He's an adult and you're treating him like a child which is why he's acting like one. I'm all for the tough love. I paid rent to my parents when I was at college. He's a cheek taking money from her then treating her so disrespectfully.

[EttaJ]

Wow. YADNBU and he needs to pull his bloody his head out of his arse. He's behaving appallingly and it's so disrespectful to you all especially poor Nan. I'd not trust him with the pets either. I agree re subbing him. Our DC are grown up and one not very much older than your DS. They certainly were,/are trusted with what you describe. Stop subbing him and yes, give him a large dose of reality. He really is taking the piss. I would be livid too.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

I'd get on the carers for your mil and the animals so you can relax on holidays and for your mil's safety but considering she is giving him money while he is at uni I would be asking her to stop it, he is a prick (sorry) and if he can't show her an ounce of respect then he certainly shouldn't be accepting her money!

But really I would want him out, anyone who makes an elderly lady so upset she cries isn't someone I'd like under my roof really

[Lunar1]

I'd want him out to be honest. I'd be utterly ashamed of him.

[Tink06]

We don't give him money when he's home but he does live here rent free n eats everything in sight. Am just so annoyed with him today. The worse thing is he is firstborn grandchild n was always her favourite which is what upsets her so much. I never know if I am being unreasonable asking them all to help with Nan. She can be very cantankerous....
He thinks we are picking on him (dh is furious as well). Am definitely asking for board from tomorrow. He is earning about £150 a week n doesn't seem to be blowing it all in - he is trying too get his overdraft down n have a decent start in September which is why I didn't mind but have had enough now.

[KittensWithWeapons]

You are so, so not being unreasonable. When my Granda was unwell, I used to provide a lot of care fit him. He was my amazing Granda, it was the least I could do. The only thing I didn't do was bring him to the toilet, or empty his urine bag, as he was uncomfortable with me doing that. And when he was dying, I sat and held his hand for hours. As did my DP. He also dabbed water on Granda's lips when he wasn't allowed to drink water. My DP, who wasn't his son, or Grandson, sat and did that.

And now that Nan is just as ill, I'm doing the same. I administer her oral morphine, change morphine patches, bring her to the loo and help her change her bra, when needs be.

That he left her in tears and told her to stop whinging is completely unimaginable to me. To be honest, I'd be utterly disgusted with him.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Your mil gives him an allowance at uni too? Have you pointed that out? That he will take her money but great her like crap?
I'd be taking a money off him, not giving him a Penney while you were away and making it very clear how disgusted you are with him and absolutely suggesting she stops her allowance to him

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Treat her like crap sorry

[KittensWithWeapons]

My Nan can be pretty cantankerous. Sometimes just plain mean. However, she's my Nan. She was wonderful to me (as it sounds like your DS's Nan was to him) and, honestly, pretty soon she'll be dead. In the ground with my beloved Granda. So I'll do all that I can to mind her. Your son ought to do the same.

[Jemmima]

When you say she is cantankerous, what do you mean exactly? Breaking her plate to get his attention is one thing but how else does she behave? Is she horrible to people or to him. Just wondering.

[VioletBam]

I wouldn't leave her with him either OP. He sounds terribly irresponsible for twenty.

[alazuli]

she's his grandma! you shouldn't have to pay him to take care of her and he shouldn't be allowed to treat her this way.

[Tink06]

By cantankerous I mean she can be quite mean at times n difficult to live with. No point dressing it up any other way. She can be horrible to my stepdaughter (second oldest and her grandchild) but isnt with my daughter who she is great with . Very bossy with DSD - loves having her run around after her. She really slags people off behind their back, me in particularly. It is hard but we did know n you have to just ignore it. She does love them all n recently, out of the blue offered to pay for a driving lesson a week for DSD so not that bad. Both me n dh have tried speaking to her about it.
The grumpiness is probably down to being housebound, widowed and depressed ( noticed anti d's in with her meds). Ironically though never like this to DSS - she has always had a soft spot for him
He has a general bad attitude anyway - he doesn't even know he is doing it. Thinks he is entitled. He really doesn't get how he upsets her. Says he is joking with her - which he probably is but have told him endlessly that he can't say things in a joky way as she doesnt see it like that.He honestly doesn't set out to upset her n he thinks she loves getting him into trouble. The burnt dinner issue - he swears blind it wasn't that bad n she was exaggerating but even if that was the case why didn't he just offer her soup instead. He is actually my stepson although I've brought him up n he often says I'm deliberately picking on him n not the girls if I say anything.Dh fully agrees though.

[Tink06]

Also we were going to pay him while we were away as he can't work so missing out on 2 weeks wages. He doesn't get holiday pay.

[RhiWrites]

What he's doing is approaching elder abuse: forgetting food or giving her inedible food is cruel and unpleasant. I accept that he may not enjoy the task but it's not much to ask of an adult living rent free in the house.

I'm struggling to know what to suggest. Do you think he's being thoughtless and selfish and could get past it? Maybe family counselling?

[SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys]

Is there chance he has undiagnosed aspergers? I'm not making excuses for him but it could perhaps explain his responses/reactions when his Nan behaves abusively towards him. Given how you've now described her it does suggest she's perhaps a bit much for him to deal with. Also the burning of food etc and lack of organisation are not unusual AS traits. Maybe there is a bigger picture. Either way I get the feeling that she would benefit more from professional carers whilst you're on holiday.

[nosireebob]

I'd just say that now you've got to pay carers and dogsitters, the difference between what you'd give him and the money for bought in support will need to come from his university allowance. I wouldn't charge rent or food if you don't for your other Dc as that seems unfair and might create resentment between the sibs?

[branofthemist]

Can I ask, is the burnt inedible food, her version or do you know this happened?

I am only asking because me and mum cared for my grandad. He was in a similar situation and he used to out and out lie. Turned out it was the first signs of dementia. He would tell me that mum hadn't fed him or that she had ruined it. I knew it wasn't true, because I had been with him when he had eaten it too.

He started telling us that one of my cousins had broken in to steal from him etc.

He was 'cantankerous' too and we thought it was just that.

If it did happen like this then Yanbu. He needs to get grip and I wouldn't leave the dogs with him never mind an elderly lady.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

If you think you can't trust him to even feed the pets, how on earth can you trust him to cope with Nan - especially in the face of evidence? It doesn't matter whether she is cantankerous or not (and I agree, I suspect it's as much frustration with how she now is than general demeanour).

Echoing a previous poster, somewhat, and my Nan wasn't cantankerous, but last Tuesday night I sat by my dying Nan's bedside. Where I'd been for several hours most days for the previous four weeks. Watching her die because she'd chosen not to eat or drink or receive a gastric tube following a couple of strokes. I'm a 42 year old man and I tell you I broke down in tears every other day. My Nan died just five minutes after I left the hospital that night (my parents having arrived an hour earlier).

I was lucky to have my lovely Nan for so long. He should be over the moon he still has a Nan and be doing whatever he can for her and gladly. If he's not up to the job, then you may need to get some carers in while you have a break (and we all need those) but at the same time I'd be telling him to go elsewhere while he is home for the holidays. He'd not be welcome.

[Nefney14]

I don't have any advice but I'm a senior carer and most companies will take care of basic needs of pets (food, water but probably not cleaning out) especially if no personal care is required as they'll have more time ask the company that you use in the beginning and they should be able to add it into the care plan and it'll save some money

[EastMidsMummy]

You are being unreasonable to use n when you mean and.

[whois]

I think you might be being a little harsh - you don't actually know that he burnt the food etc

My nan was 'cantankerous' and always had been a bit mean, but then it moved intoearly stages of dementia and that was masked a bit because she had always been a bit mean. As it progressed she became fucking foul to be around and I would have found it difficult to provide any kind of care for her when she was shouting terrible things at you.

[BillSykesDog]

Get carers in. I think he is getting a bit of a rough deal on this. It doesn't sound like she is particularly easy to look after, smashing her dishes and screaming at him, ordering him about does not sound pleasant. It sounds like a lot for a young man with no caring experience to be coping with.

I have relatives who require a lot of care. Needing care doesn't necessarily change your personality and make you easy to deal with. My Gran is fantastic to look after but my Dad is an absolute fucking nightmare at times and it's not easy. People don't really understand that not all people have personalities which make caring for them easy nor are they flexible or happy to work with their carers rather than against them. It sounds like his Gran could be one of those people.

I think you should accept this is a non-starter and get carers in. Although you say she doesn't like this idea. Would she expect you to cancel your holiday?

He'll probably be fine with the pets.

[blueskyinmarch]

Wait up a bit. So there have been two incidents - one he burnt her lunch (which could happen to anyone) and she moaned about it and he told he to stop moaning and it was fine (it may have only been a little singed how do you know?).
Second he forgot soup was on but he served it then when he went upstairs she threw the bowl on the floor to attract his attention.
This is just two incidents and at you own admission your MIL can be cantankerous anyway.
Some people are just not cut out to be carers and it might take your DSS a bit of time to remember he has to look out for her when he has been so used to just looking after himself at uni. I am not saying he was;t in the wrong but it would seem he needs a bit of time to get used to these responsibilities. I am guessing the rest of the family are well used to it now.
Would it help to sit him down, talk through what is expected of him and explain how important to is that he sees to her needs before he does his own things, especially as he is being paid to do this. I am sure you can work this out.