To get boot camp on my children. Enough is enough.

[fruitstick]

I'm tired of being treated like a doormat by my children.

I trying to make them happy but actually I'm just making them spoilt and entitled.

I have 2 DC aged 10 & 7. They argue with me about everything. If I ask them to do something they whinge and complain and refuse.

They are constantly moaning that something isn't good enough, they don't like dinner, I've bought the wrong something or other.

They both sulk if they don't get their own way.

I can't live like this anymore. They are making me utterly miserable.

They rarely do anything kind for me.

I want a happy home where everyone helps eachother and we have a lovely time. How on earth do I achieve it.

I need some help. DH says I need to be firmer with them and not let them get away with it. I've also pointed out that he needs to lead by example!

So firstly, what would you reasonably expect a 7 & 10 year old to do around the house without complaint or feeling like a workhouse.

[Wolfiefan]

Zero tolerance of backchat. Consequences clear and always follow through.
I expect my kids to tidy up after themselves, help clear the table. Eldest helps stack dishwasher too. (13)
I don't expect much help round the house exactly but I do expect manners.

[AdoraBell]

Mine know that if what I do/cook/buy/provide isn't good enough then I won't do it again.

It doesn't stop them having teenage strops, but they do know there is a line they don't cross.

[fruitstick]

So help me out here.

When you say zero tolerance of backchat - what exactly does that mean? How do you stop it. Do you just refuse to engage? consequences? I genuinely have no idea.

[megletthesecond]

Yanbu. I'm heading down this route. Not laid all the ground rules yet but there have been some serious conversations.

[thanksamillion]

A good start might be to give them one specific job which they need to do everyday. Mine have a job each (set the table, clear the table, load the dishwasher). The first week might be painful but once they get in the habit it should become easier.

Then add another job (eg one that is done weekly). Again give it time to become routine. Add in another one etc etc.

[Pickitup]

I expect my similar aged children to:
Set the table
Get drinks (cold mainly)
Empty the dishwasher
Wash up
Take clothes upstairs and put them away
Clean out & feed pets

I often need to remind them but am hoping it's sinking in

[fruitstick]

Do you have any ground rules in mind meglet.

I'm going for
make beds & laundry in basket
Put own clothes away
keep bedrooms tidy
Lay table
Clear own plates etc

And mainly I need to be much stricter about food and snacks and bedtimes. Their diets are getting progressively worse and tenor bedtimes are getting later so I have no free time in the evening.

[tootsietoo]

Mine are a similar age (8 & 9) and I understand the feeling. I think perhaps give up on trying to make them happy. (I told DD1 one only yesterday that I was her mother not her best friend.). Make a list of jobs they need to do and tell them to do them and don't give up until they have! I am starting a chores list as of summer holidays next week - you could try the same? Report back on success?

[Wolfiefan]

Yes laundry in basket.
Backchat. One warning. Eg today DD 6 wouldn't brush her hair. Do as you are told or you aren't going to the cinema. She did it!
I don't get DD to clear the table (except non breakable stuff!) as she has form for plate smashing!! Accidental obviously!

[Mooingcow]

Those are reasonable rules.

To which I'd add, it costs nothing to model politely asking them to do things, especially if they were doing something else.

Thanking them for doing it and noticing if they do something without being nagged.

Having clear consequences and not being afraid to implement any threatened punishment or you'll lose your credibility.

Good luck!

[Rumpelstiltskin143]

At that age mine had to make their own beds, keep their room picked up, and load and empty the dishwasher.

I wasn't a short order cook, if they didn't want was made for dinner they could do without (I never made things I knew they didn't like). The family all sat at the table at dinner time, until everyone had finished and the children helped clear the table. Unpleasant comments (yuk etc) about the food were not allowed.

Backchat, I used to say things like. Don't you dare speak to me like that. You just develop a certain tone and they know you mean business. I used to tell mine that I was their Mother, not their friend and that my job was to make sure they didn't turn into obnoxious little wotsits

[gillybeanz]

Lead by example, always clear up after yourself and have a house rule of all joining in.
We don't have a dishwasher we do it ourselves, so one washes, other dries, somebody else puts away. cook gets to put feet up whilst others do this.
We all tidy and clean own rooms and kids do bathroom when they have finished, only have one bathroom so it's quite easy.
Somebody pulls up weeds another mows etc. try doing it as a family, it's fun and a good way to instill team work. Mine have been brought up like this from being tots as my parents brought me and my siblings up like this too.

If they don't like what we cook, they do without, unless it's something they never eat.
Back chat has never been accepted from the start, so it was naughty step or loss of pocket money, phone if older, but usually grown out of it by this age.
Be firm but fair, it's the only way.

[corgiology]

Never use the word chores. It only creates resilience from people.
Instead make it fun to do various things. If you make cleaning fun they'll be fighting to do it!
Plenty of ideas if you Google make cleaning fun :)

[notyummy]

I have a 10 year old. I expect her to tidy her room, make her bed etc. She also empties the bins round the house and brings them down to the kitchen. She takes the stuff out to the recycle bin daily. She makes her own packed lunch (only twice a week tbf as school dinners the rest of the time!) In the evening she makes herself a light snack/tea 3 or 4 evenings. She also sorts the washing out from both washing baskets into whites and coloureds and brings them to the machine . She hoovers her room once a week, and also cleans her bathroom once a week. She may do extra if I am particularly busy or we have guests coming. Some stuff we do together.

[Wolfiefan]

YY to thanking them. Mine are much more eager to do something if they can see a reward. Thanks is a reward!

[hownottofuckup]

I expect mine to help out generally as we are part of a team. They have to help tidy up toys etc, put their shoes away, put dirty clothes in the laundry bin/washing machine, get cold drinks, take their dishes out to the kitchen after meals, hoover or help hang out washing if I ask them to.
I have 3 rules, listen to me (GP's/teacher), be kind to each other as all being well you'll have each other longer than you'll have me, don't go off anywhere/with anyone without telling me first.
They're 6 and 7.

[fruitstick]

Thank you.

Those all sound reasonable and you're right about leading by example.

I'm naturally really untidy but also spend so
long tidying after everyone else I can't do it all.

[Notmoreantihistamines]

You are in charge, not them. Our kids, tbey went through that stupid phase, I eat tomatoes, he doesn't.

Its proper bollocks.

Ignore. Provide two carbs, two meat protein/ vegetable protein, loads of veg.

Do.not engage in row about two packets of salad

[notyummy]

And attempting to turn the tide now will be a LOT easier than when they are in fully fledged pre-teen/teen mood! One of the reasons I was so keen to make it clear to DD that I wasn't there to wait on her from an early age , was that I wanted to embed habits before she got to the really obnoxious argumentative stage!

[hownottofuckup]

Re dinners if I cook it you can pretty much guarantee one of them won't like it! They're always aghast if I make something they really like and full of praise
I was feeling a bit hormonal not long ago and actually cried when one of them 'yuked' at their dinner. They've seem to have been making an effort to be kind about my often awful cooking since

[fruitstick]

DS1 is definitely already at that argumentative obnoxious stage.

[fruitstick]

DS1 is also getting fussier and fussier about his food. He used to be very good but he is constantly refusing food.

Tonight he complained there was nothing for pudding.

He had a choice of
Vanilla ice cream
Plain yoghurt & mango
panacotta.

He stroppily had a banana.

Last night we had a barbecue and he kicked off because he 'doesn't like chicken'

[fruitstick]

On Saturday DS2 spent an hour sulking in his bed because I'd asked him to pick his dirty clothes off the floor

[RedSoloCup]

I will say for example:

'We're going to the park soon so you need to tidy up what you've been doing'

kids 'oh no we want to play with it when we get back' (which they never do)

Me 'I'm not asking you I'm telling you, pack up then we're going to the park'

any further refusal I just repeat I'm not asking i'm telling, do it now.

it does work, they still moan but I ALWAYS stand my ground!

[YeOldMa]

You could always try not putting dinner on the table and when they want to know where it is, just say very politely that as they are always complaining, you assumed they'd rather you didn't do it! Get them to get their own.

My boy now occasionally asks if I want constructive criticism but I was very firm that I didn't expect to be met with a barrage of complaints.

I went to a parents' class arranged by the school and they were very clear on how to go about things being down. They said don't nag, set a tariff for chores to be done each day/week; it could be pocket money, tv etc. Don't say anything until it comes to payment time and then quietly give them a reduced payment (docked for each thing they didn't do) and wait for them to ask why. The lesson is apparently better learned this way and you don't have a long, protracted arguments which make everyone unhappy.
Also they suggest you give them a time frame which doesn't include "immediately" so they feel like they have a choice.
Most of my kids had grown up by that time but I did sit there thinking that it all sounded like a better way!