To expect more from my partner?(20 Posts)
Be kind, I'm new!
We had our first DC 5 months ago, and love him dearly of course. However i feel like my partner is reluctant to step up and help me out with things like looking after the house and baby.
I'm on maternity leave until December, which is great, and I do as much as I can around the house to keep it tidy while looking after DS, do all the shopping and cooking too, and while my partner will do some tidying at the weekend, the rest of the time it's just me. He won't look after DS on his own either; he says it's because if he needs feeding while I'm out there's nothing we can do, despite there being plenty of expressed milk in the freezer.
A lot of the time he seems more interested in playing games on his phone or computer than with his baby, and when he does play (usually when I'm making dinner) he just puts him on his back and shows him a toy or puts him in his jumperoo. When I tried to suggest he tries playing games or reading or something, he went in a strop and said I him feel like he was doing it wrong.
At the weekend he often spends a few hours in bed in the afternoon because he's tired from a week of work (or had a few two many on a Friday night), so I'm left on my own with baby again.
I've painted him in a fairly negative light here but he is a really loving, kind man and he loves us both more than anything. I really do wish he'd get stuck in more but I don't know how to broach this with him without upsetting him. I'm slightly resentful that his life has hardly changed while mine is all baby.
I'm coping fine but would just like a bit of respite now and then. I'm also slightly worried these could all be signs of male PND.
any suggestions about what I can do?
You got yourself a manchild
The resentment will build unless he's prepared to listen and genuinely give a shit about your partnership
It's up to him though if he wants to change. Beware spending years waiting for him to change and being thankful for crumbs
I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you are feeling. Forget the male PND stuff. Ask him to step up and help you out.
Did he actually want to be a parent? Why did you decide to have children?
Male P D my arse. You have to make sacrifices when you're a parent. One of those is not sleeping all afternoon at the weekend FFS
I'love bet he doesn't get up with the baby in the night either, given you're BFing? Hand him the baby now for an hour and tell him you're going for a walk. Start as you mean to go on.
I don't know how to broach this with him without upsetting him. How about you worry a little less about him being upset? What about the fact that you're upset?
he loves us both more than anything
He doesn't love you more than:
- getting so drunk it takes a day to recover
- playing on his phone
- having a lie-in
Which would be fine if he weren't already a father.
Whenever he says he doesn't know how to do something, ask him how he thinks you learned. Say "don't worry, baby won't mind". Don't let him wriggle out of it.
Congratulations you now have 2 children.
May I suggest a kick in the balls? Failing that could you go out and leave him to it? Just go to the shops and be a couple of hours later than he thought you'd be, say you felt faint from lack of sleep and had to sit in a coffee shop till you felt ok again. Let him see what it's like.
Also fuck upsetting him, he doesn't care that you're upset.
I wouldn't get too worried about playing with such a young baby. They don't need to be playing games all the time. Otherwise though he sounds like an arse.
I get really angry about the mythical male PND. Anyone who's suffered the hormone crash of PND knows how real it is. Compare that with some arse who wants to sit around on his phone all day - that is NOT PND!
He's a dick. No really, he is
Why does he get to opt out of being a parent to the child he created?
It's got bullocks all to do with baby being breastfed. When DS was born DH gave him his first bath, nappy change etc. After each feed he'd take him and wind him, change him, hold him and just be with him because he wanted to be.
And screw all his other supposedly lovely attributes. They mean sweet FA if he can't even parent his own bloody child
Whilst I agree with everyone above to be a little more constructive -,
Start with discussing is looking after the baby as hard as working - yes then all of his time outside of work should be split 50/50 between you an him he looks after baby half the time. You each get one lie in / afternoon nap at the weekend.
If he says no looking after the baby is easy then he needs to look after the baby because its easy so.should be no problem.
Also you need to let him get on with stuff - show him how to prep milk, where babies stuff is (first time.only) and just go.out for the afternoon. Don't take your phone if he needs you he can ring your dad (anyone he would not like to ring and show he is incompetent) and ask.you to come home.
Don't forget this 50/50,rule also applies to.house work, house/ family admin etc - you really need to get.this cracked how before you return to work.
Most of my 'mum' friends have complained about this type of behaviour from their partners at one point. It really isn't that uncommon. Some of it i think comes from perhaps feeling inadequate about being a father, some laziness and some taking longer to 'be a parent' than you......ie still acting like they have time etc when they don't.
Have a chat with him about it - yes he's being a child but you love him, he loves you, so get through it together. Plan an afternoon with friends, show him where everything is and just go. He'll work it out & the baby won't break.
These are not signs of male pnd. The rest of his life has carried on as normal.nyou need to sort this out with him before it continues unchecked and you become deeply resentful
Littlecaf I think it's down to basic sexism, ingrained or otherwise. Where are all the women who 'take longer to be a parent'? Oh that's right, nowhere. Because women are just expected to get on with it.
Unfortunately I think this is really common. When I was a teenager I remember mum ranting "you think you're in an equal relationship until you have children, and then you find out you're not." Didn't mean much until I had a child then I understood! I and all my friends feel like you, often. One friend highly recommends 'controlled failure' where you basically start doing less to force them to do more - but I haven't had the guts, personally. Do talk it through, might help, might not, good luck!
Just thoughts I'd follow up, thanks for all your help
I managed to talk to him about how I was feeling, and honestly it went far better than expected. I think he knew he was getting way with too much but didn't realise how much it bothered me. Over the weekend he's gone out of his way to clean and tidy, look after our DS, made dinner when I fell asleep putting baby to bed, taken us for a lovely day trip to the park and me on a mini date night.
I was partly to blame for not communicating with him, so he thought everything was okay. He is a good man and he really does love us, but he is a man and does need a gentle reminder now and then!
Great to read. Hope he did all that without wanting thanks or special recognition. Also hope he carries on without it being mentioned again but yeah good that he listened to you.
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