To think MIL has no right to get involved with this? (Wedding related)

(39 Posts)
Moogerbooger Thu 14-Jul-16 21:07:49

Hi all,

First post so please be gentle!

I'm getting married next year and (fortunately) my parents have offered to pay the majority of the wedding costs. However, I am also saving and want to pay off as much as I can afford to- making sure I've paid for all the deposits so far and have an increasing amount saved up.
My MIL to be doesn't have much money so will be paying for the suits and that's it. This is absolutely fine- she can't afford much and we don't expect her to give anything. However, she keeps making digs at my fiancé asking why we have paid the deposits and asking why isn't my mother paying for them if she's offered to pay for the wedding.

AIBU to think that she has no right to ask this? I am incredibly grateful to my parents in helping us to pay but there's no way I'd let them pay for everything themselves, knowing I have money saved up.

She has mentioned this several times and it's really starting to annoy me!

Kungfupandaworksout16 Thu 14-Jul-16 21:16:37

It's none of her business who pays what. Your DP should remind her of that. Next time simply say
" Oh me and DP already think my parents are paying for enough. "
That should shut her up

Newtothis2017 Thu 14-Jul-16 21:20:43

It is none of her business. Tell her nothing. We had this with my mil. The amount of stress she brought to our wedding I am amazed we still got married. But 10 years on it is all forgotten.

HarryPottersMagicWand Thu 14-Jul-16 21:21:04

She has probably got a chip on her shoulder about the fact that she can't afford to help you and your parents can. It's got sod all to do with her. Tell her your parents have been more than generous in what they have offered and you won't take the mick. If she keeps on ask directly "why exactly does this bother you?" She'll probably stop.

NayaDeles Thu 14-Jul-16 21:26:36

None, none, none, none, none of her business!! How rude angry

For a reply maybe "Yes, we're paying the deposits, of course we couldn't expect anyone to pay for all of our wedding. We're grateful for any help anyone can give us, anything at all, no matter how small the help we are very grateful. Even if it's just something small."

Moogerbooger Thu 14-Jul-16 21:54:03

Thanks- that's a diplomatic reply. I'm glad it's not just me who finds it quite rude of her. Just needed to check my own sanity.. Only 11 months of wedding planning left confused

Mouikey Thu 14-Jul-16 22:04:03

Deal with this now... it will only get worse!! I like the 'why does this bother you?' question... if asked gently and not defensively she won't be able to do anything but answer honestly (which is likely to be her concern about how much she is contributing rather than anything else) you can then deal with and move on!

WiMoChi Thu 14-Jul-16 22:07:00

Brace yourself. This is just the beginning.

You're correct. It is none of her business whatsoever. Mother of groom should turn up and shut up at a wedding.

GL x

NavyandWhite Thu 14-Jul-16 22:16:31

Mother of groom should turn up and shut up at a wedding

FFS.

hmm

Duck90 Thu 14-Jul-16 23:25:53

Perhaps she is concerned that your parents won't follow through with their financial support and you have committed to deposits? I don't know your situation, but it's not unusual that people promise the earth and the offer fizzles out.

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday Thu 14-Jul-16 23:30:30

I agree with Duck, maybe she is just worried that promises have been made but they may not come into fruition and her son will be in debt

Griphook Thu 14-Jul-16 23:31:31

Mother of groom should turn up and shut up at a wedding. wow just wow!

LineyReborn Thu 14-Jul-16 23:38:39

She's worried about her son ending up paying for a lot of a wedding that is only going to be as big as it is because your parents have said they'd pay for most of it.

herethereandeverywhere Fri 15-Jul-16 00:04:44

None of her business.

My Mil continuously causes stress like this. There have been many times I wish I had thought more carefully about being stuck with her and SIL 'until death do us part' because it is stressful and it is wearing and it is hard to feel happy and content in your own family with the pass-remarkable, judgey, unkindness.

Bogeyface Fri 15-Jul-16 00:16:04

Why did you tell her that your parents are paying if its none of her business, especially if they are not actually paying for it all as she seems to think.

If it isnt then dont tell her, and if you tell her then you make it her business surely?

She is obviously insecure about the amount they are paying compared to her contribution and is showing that in her snippy attitude. I would say that the best way to respond is "They offered but that doesnt mean we are taking them up on it, we are saving up to pay for most of wedding ourselves".

GoldBear Fri 15-Jul-16 00:17:50

I would be friendly and clear with her right now, right from the start, and are with the suggestion from NayaDeles
For a reply maybe "Yes, we're paying the deposits, of course we couldn't expect anyone to pay for all of our wedding. We're grateful for any help anyone can give us, anything at all, no matter how small the help we are very grateful.
Don't just 'let it lie', challenge it very very gently now, showing love and appreciation towards your very generous parents, "after all, nobody really expects the parents to pay all the bills now we are older", etc.
Don't cause a scene, but do state the facts,

Moogerbooger Fri 15-Jul-16 07:08:46

Yes that is probably the case, she has always had money problems so is probably concerned.
However, SHE is the one pushing for a big wedding. I have had to reign her in on a few occasions - wanting lots of extra things that I just don't want. So I don't think she is too concerned about spending my parents' money- just seems she doesn't want her son to pay towards it which is unfair if we can afford to.

Moogerbooger Fri 15-Jul-16 07:10:30

Goldbear that sounds firm but fair. Thanks.

Moogerbooger Fri 15-Jul-16 07:13:45

Bogeyface I have never told her. She just assumed from the very beginning and assumed (mainly) right. I think she assumed they'd pay for everything though and now she has found out that we are also saving/contributing she seems quite angry.

Headofthehive55 Fri 15-Jul-16 07:17:36

Some people are just very grabby.

Wolpertinger Fri 15-Jul-16 07:40:26

Tell her as little as possible. Cheery and vague as much as you possibly can and practice some phrases:
We haven't decided yet
We'll think about it
That's a good idea

And so on.

mum2Bomg Fri 15-Jul-16 08:50:47

I agree with Wolpertinger - she doesn't need to know the details! Keep as much information about payments etc away from her. She isn't entitled to an opinion on this.

NavyandWhite Fri 15-Jul-16 08:53:43

Mil just assumed everything correctly?

I find that hard to believe.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Fri 15-Jul-16 08:54:55

Some people think that if other people have money, they ought to be spending it. It's a very odd attitude but I've seen it before.

TheNaze73 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:55:27

This really has got fuck all to do with her. I'd get your DP to have a word

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