To think my friend should have believed me?

(36 Posts)
FriendDilema Thu 14-Jul-16 21:05:27

Long story so bear with me

A couple of years ago I had a party, drank way too much, the usual story. I ended up very drunk, collapsed on the floor, being sick and my partner had to carry me to bed with the help of my friend's partner, lets call him Bob.

Anyway my partner left me, with Bob watching me, while they got a sick bowl and glass of water. Returned to find that Bob had removed my bra and was groping me and sucking my breasts, I was asleep.

An argument occurred, Bob apologised and left and it was never mentioned again. I was told the story in the morning and had no knowledge of what had happened.

Fast forward a few years and I've struggled with anxiety since, have been avoiding this friend, attempted suicide, can't stop blaming myself and questioning if I led him on etc.

I decided to tell my friend what happened, as they had been asking why I don't come out anymore etc.

Now my friend has blocked me on facebook, is completely blanking me and I have to watch her happy and laughing (they live close) with the man who assaulted me. I feel like once again I'm the one being punished and suffering for what he did.

AIBU to think she should have believed me? She knew there had been an argument that night, she knew the relationship had been strained since, she had to suspect something.

Newtothis2017 Thu 14-Jul-16 21:09:11

She should have believed you.

Newtothis2017 Thu 14-Jul-16 21:10:45

Forgot to add I am sorry that happened you. Something similar happened to me years ago. But had to play it down because my brother was there and he would have actually killed him him if he knew what had happened

StealthPolarBear Thu 14-Jul-16 21:12:48

Yes she should.

Scarydinosaurs Thu 14-Jul-16 21:13:03

She should believe you, but the man lying to her is the man who has promised in front of all her friends and family to love her forever: wouldn't your DH expect you to believe him over a friend?

It's hard to accept, but you will have to. Her belief in the events doesn't take away from the truth of your assault and you should focus on your own recovery, rather than her part in it.

Noonesfool Thu 14-Jul-16 21:14:19

I believe you OP.

She should have done, too.

Just back away from her.

Hope you're getting the support you need.

LynetteScavo Thu 14-Jul-16 21:22:10

Yes, she should have believed you. And she may believe you deep down, but if she acknowledges it, she will lose her partner, and possibly a lot more, such as her home.

Yes, she should believe and acknowledge what has happened, but has chosen to protect herself.

You believed your partner, and I believe you.

Bob is lucky it was just an argument which happened that night and not a punch in the face

LynetteScavo Thu 14-Jul-16 21:22:25

or a court case

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 14-Jul-16 21:22:34

I went cold reading your post. I certainly believe you.

ThoraGruntwhistle Thu 14-Jul-16 21:24:02

She should believe you.
I'm very sorry this happened to you. It absolutely is not your fault.

Bin50 Thu 14-Jul-16 21:43:39

I'm so sorry to read your story OP.

I had a similar experience but without a witness there to corroborate. I didn't get to tell the friend myself as I became so anxious in the immediate aftermath that I couldn't bear to leave my home to go to work and had to seek help. That led to me reporting the incident to the police. After several months the CPS decided there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute. The assault happened over 6 years ago. I have had no contact from the friend since I reported it, but I know from what the police told me that my friend supported her partner. He admitted having sex with me but claimed it was consensual. My friend chose to stand by him despite him describing a sex act that she was aware I wouldn't enjoy. As previous posters have said, it is often easier for someone to choose to believe in their partner's innocence rather than face up to the consequences of the alternative.

I had counselling sessions for a while but thankfully was able to recognise that it was his fault, not mine - he hadn't been drinking at all and deliberately came into my room when everyone was in bed.

What I struggled with though was grief for the sudden loss of the friendship. In many ways it felt like a bereavement. It took me a long time to come to terms with that and I wonder if that's part of what you're feeling. Can you access some counselling to talk through that aspect of things, rather than the assault itself? I was very fortunate that my counsellor was happy to do that in our sessions.

I hope you find a way to come to terms with this, but whatever happens please remember that you are not to blame for any of it.

FriendDilema Thu 14-Jul-16 21:46:23

Thank you. I understand the whole he is the person she loves etc. But I've known her way longer then the relationship.

She knows I'm not a liar, she knows I would never deliberately hurt her. And yet now it feels like she's taunting me. We live very close, as in I can see her house from mine, and she's spent all day draped all over him in the front garden, almost like she's trying to rub it in. I just want to run away.

GwendolynPost Thu 14-Jul-16 21:51:43

I believe you.
Something similar happened when I was a teenager except I didn't know the identity of the perpetrator (Although I've always had a strong suspicion).

Nobody believed me and I've never even told DH about it.

She is not your friend.

RubbleBubble00 Thu 14-Jul-16 21:56:41

Unfortunately she's chosen her partner over you. It's been years making it easy for her to minimise even if she is suspicious. If she takes your side she has to pull apart her life as it is, much easier for her to believe her partner.

whois Thu 14-Jul-16 21:59:43

So your partner came back to find bob sucking on your brests and nothign more was ever said about it? Like, you never went to the police about it? your partner didn't lamp him one to get him off you?

She should have belived you, but TBH after all this time why woudl she when she is still with him and loves him?

BastardGoDarkly Thu 14-Jul-16 22:00:17

They live opposite?!

Bin50 Thu 14-Jul-16 22:01:02

If you've only told her about it recently then my first instinct would be that she isn't trying to taunt you, but that she's feeling insecure and wondering why he felt the need to 'stray' (for want of a better term).

It can't be easy for you in that situation - there are parallels there with my own, but I don't want to go into further details on a public forum - but please believe me when I say you'll eventually learn to cope with it and will feel all the stronger for doing so.

Tabsicle Thu 14-Jul-16 22:02:18

I'm so sorry. I had something similar happen to me - I was assaulted by an alleged friend while unconscious. His DW found out, blamed me, accused me of trying to seduce her DH, and lying about it.

If I'm being charitable I guess it's easier for her to do that than accept she's with a total bastard but it hurt like hell. So much sympathy. Just remember it wasn't your fault and she is in the wrong.

FriendDilema Thu 14-Jul-16 22:12:26

Yes my partner came in to find Bob doing that. Bob jumped up and ran out apologising, there was a big argument. All the neighbours are well aware something happened as they all witnessed the argument. She knew they argued as everyone told her. They live opposite me yes.

I don't know why I didn't report it, I suppose I didn't think I'd be believed or thought it was my fault for being so drunk. It took years to get the courage to tell her, now I wonder why I bothered.

mommy2ash Thu 14-Jul-16 22:13:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. From your friends point of view this supposedly happened years ago and she is only being told now after years of being with this guy. She probably thinks you are just out to cause trouble or you would have told her years ago.

I would separate you dealing with what happened and your friends reaction. Tiny need to get over this for you and nobody else.

cozietoesie Thu 14-Jul-16 22:16:12

What was/is your partner's view of the situation?

littlemissneela Thu 14-Jul-16 22:17:59

I believe you, and its such a shame your friend didn't sad

I had a similar thing happen to me many years ago. I was asleep with a bf in a bed at a friends house, after a party. I had all my clothes on, including thick tights. I remember waking in the night with what I thought was my bf caressing my inside thigh. Except he was right over the other side of the bed! I went so cold when I realised this, and still do just thinking about it. It happened another two times, before I tried to grab hold of the person, but I was quite drunk, even though I sobered up quite a bit at this point, and my hands werent working properly, so he escaped. I searched around the house, but couldn't see or hear anyone who was awake.
I told my best friend in the morning, and my bf, but I could tell they didn't really believe me. I do understand why, sort of, as the person who did this would have been one of our friends.
I took me a long time, and I mean many years to stop having cold sweats about it at night.

I don't know what to suggest to you regarding your friend. It sounds like she has made her choice, and it might be best to just move on with your life.

rainytea Thu 14-Jul-16 22:18:39

I'd bet she believes you, or part of her does, but she doesn't want to because of what others here have said and so she's over compensating.

Don't worry about her though (hard when she's opposite, I know!). Focus on what you need, not on what she's doing, because that's not going to make you feel better.

I believe you too.

LockedOutOfMN Thu 14-Jul-16 22:21:11

Yes, she should have believed you. Please surround yourself with friends and professionals who can give you the support you deserve. What a horrible thing to happen to you. flowers

AdoraBell Thu 14-Jul-16 22:22:49

I'm sorry this happened to you. If it were me I would want to move. Is that an option for you? Something similar happened to me when I slept at a friend's after a party. I wouldn't want to live opposite the pig that did it.

thanks for you, and yes she should have believed you.

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