AIBU to not let DP live in filth?

(202 Posts)
PoisonWitch Thu 14-Jul-16 13:37:03

So DP has lived with me for two years now. Been together for six. He is a loving, kind man who I would like to be with forever but his office drives me mad.

It's my house. I bought it and pay all bills as he can't afford to atm. Business not making enough and he is looking hard for a job. He works from home mostly and is quite busy.

His office is a fucking state. I paid a fair but of money to have the garage converted to a useable room with a window for him. Not just for him as dads value to the house as well.

I don't go in there very often but it's disgusting. He hasn't finished painting it in a year so there are still bits of bare plaster. There is crap everywhere. Every time I go in I ask him to clean it and he says he will but doesn't. He is on a conference today so I blitzed it. I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

I think the job for too big for him but he was the same when he was in the spare room. I saw a pizza crust in the floor and told him to pick it up. I told him everytime I went up and it was there over six months.

I now plan to tell him since I have been forced to do it he had no excuse for keeping it horrible. I will throw a tantrum. The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

What would you suggest going forwards wise ones?

PoisonWitch Thu 14-Jul-16 13:38:45

Btw he leaves crap other places but I'm less tolerant of it so it never gets as bad as I TELL him to sort it. Doesn't work with office though.

Thomasisintraining Thu 14-Jul-16 13:43:48

Tell him to rent a hot desk else where. This would be a deal breaker for me in my home and I would not let him do it any more.

Zarah123 Thu 14-Jul-16 13:44:09

This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

Sorry OP, but YABU, he is a cocklodger. Not too proud to live off you and have you clean up after him, is he?

Picking up a crust of old pizza is not a 'big job'. What is he 'busy' doing? Does he get JSA?

BrandNewAndImproved Thu 14-Jul-16 13:45:22

Tell him to clean it or pay for a cleaner. Don't clean it yourself it will only cause resentment and at the end of the day it's husband office like that not your living room.

WorraLiberty Thu 14-Jul-16 13:46:49

He doesn't sound very proud at all to me.

AndroidAddict Thu 14-Jul-16 13:47:08

Tbh I'd tell him to pack his bags (or pack them for him) 'cos I just couldn't live like this. It shows a complete lack of respect for you and your house. It attracts rats, mice, ants and all manner of other pests. A pizza on the floor for 6 months?! shock Imagine having to clear up after him when you have children too? Fuck that for a lark.

OohMavis Thu 14-Jul-16 13:49:25

Ergh. Sorry, but if I'd just waded through that kind of filth, being polite wouldn't be at the top of my agenda.

Add in some wanky tissues and skiddy pants and you've just described the typical 16 year old's bedroom. And you seem to be slotted into the role of 'mum'.

I bet you're finding him very attractive at the moment...

AndroidAddict Thu 14-Jul-16 13:50:28

The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

I don't think it's his pride that makes him cross. He just doesn't like hearing the truth: he's living off you, trashing your house and expecting you to clean up after him. I think you're being far too generous and he's taking the piss.

OohMavis Thu 14-Jul-16 13:50:50

Would a cleaner really be happy picking up bowls of mouldy food though? I thought the expectation was to have a clear space for the cleaner to clean.

Arfarfanarf Thu 14-Jul-16 13:51:49

he's not proud enough to take care of what he's getting for free though, is he?

Have an honest conversation about how unhappy you are with his slobbishness.

PoisonWitch Thu 14-Jul-16 13:53:50

Yeah it is minging which is why I want to get it sorted. He earns money and paya for half of everyday things like food. It's household bills I pay 100%. He paid at first but he has some debts to repay and got screwed by some clients then got ill which set him back ages. He is trying very hard for a job. He had a mini breakdown after he didn't get the job after his last interview. He feels isolated at home and I think he's depressed.

We share other jobs. I work full time and do cooking, cleaning and laundry. He washes up, bins, gardens and does diy. I do have to moan as I think his washing up leaves something to be desired but he does have lower standards than me. Not that mine are high particularly!

Chinks123 Thu 14-Jul-16 13:54:07

I can't get past the pizza crust being there for 6 months...hmm that doesn't sound like a proud person to be to be honest it sounds like a vvvvv lazy person with zero respect despite getting everything paid for.

VinoTime Thu 14-Jul-16 13:54:27

He is very proud.

Is he? hmm

He's an adult, not a child. Why should you have to pick up after him and nag him to tidy up after himself? I couldn't live with someone like this. It shows a level of disrespect for both you and your home that screams volumes, OP. I'd be making it very clear that if he didn't change his ways and keep the place nice, he'd be out on his arse.

Absolutely disgusting. I'm cringing at the mere thought of living with someone like that. I'd sooner shack up with a pig.

NapQueen Thu 14-Jul-16 13:55:03

He seems to be spending an awful lot of time in there to not bring any money to the table.

What a waste of time!

PoisonWitch Thu 14-Jul-16 13:56:32

I think I am going to have to be a bit harsh in our next convo. I hate doing it but I really need to.

The rest of the house isn't even perfect. I keep it tidyish and cleanish then do a big blitz every few weeks. Its normally a bit cluttered and dusty so i dont expect showhome!

ChicRock Thu 14-Jul-16 13:57:35

He's not really proud at all, is he? And his 'business' sounds like an expensive and time consuming hobby/excuse for him to live like a slob.

RedHareWithBlondeHair Thu 14-Jul-16 13:58:55

I'd honestly LTB. Whilst it may not be a popular view on here, I think solvent women shouldn't have to put up with men who use them like this. If you want to go forward I'd read him the riot act then if he doesn't change then he leaves. And for goodness sake do not marry this man.

timeforabrewnow Thu 14-Jul-16 14:00:01

Really? ?

Yuck.

- I have 2 teenagers in the house who aren't that bad hygiene-wise.

Going forwards, I would get him to move out if he can''t take responsibility for a pizza crust that's been on the floor for 6 months!

(I have very relaxed standards around housekeeping etc too)

Arfarfanarf Thu 14-Jul-16 14:00:25

you work full time, you do the cleaning and the cooking and the laundry?

he barely works, washes dishes (poorly), takes bins out and does the garden and diy?

And you think that's a fair and even split?

Housework - every day. Working - every day, bringing in the cash. Cooking - every day, laundry - every few days?

and he brings in no cash, washes a few dishes, takes some bins out what ? once a week? does a bit of gardening - every fortnight? and I don't know how much diy is needed in one house

I think if you actually sat down and examined it all, you'd see that he really brings very little to the table.

PoisonWitch Thu 14-Jul-16 14:03:33

Although I do love him I am smart enough not to marry him atm due to our financial situation. I have everything to lose.

I'm not going to criticize his work as I've watched him get made redundant then pour everything into building a business from scratch to watch it not fail but never quite make enough. Having been out of normal employment two years he is struggling to get back but he really is trying.

When I say proud he won't let me e.g. help pay off debts or give him money.

AndroidAddict Thu 14-Jul-16 14:04:36

We share other jobs. I work full time and do cooking, cleaning and laundry. He washes up, bins, gardens and does diy. I do have to moan as I think his washing up leaves something to be desired

If he hasn't even managed to finish painting his hovel office then he's not that great at DIY and you can't therefore class that as a job that he does. He washes up so badly that you end up rewashing it - he probably does this in the hope that you'll just do it anyway. Bins and gardening are only occasional tasks whereas laundry, cooking, cleaning, hoovering etc are all daily chores. Chores that you end up doing on to of a full time job. Sorry but he sounds like a total user and has you thinking that this is mostly fine.

PoisonWitch Thu 14-Jul-16 14:07:07

I do think it's uneven. It makes me unhappy because in all other ways he is great.

I batch cook e.g. spag bol and we'll eat that for a week. I only clean about once a week so it's not too much faff but yes I do more than him. Just little things like putting empty packets in the him always seems to be down to me.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Thu 14-Jul-16 14:10:17

not too proud to treat you to clearing up his leavings though is he??

filthy wee minger!!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 14-Jul-16 14:11:25

We share other jobs. I work full time and do cooking, cleaning and laundry. He washes up, bins, gardens and does diy

OP I thought the definition of share meant an equal division. That "share" is an absolute joke.

When I say proud he won't let me e.g. help pay off debts or give him money.

But you are - by letting him live rent free. Not too proud for that is he?
He is a cocklodger. If he was "proud" he would be doing much much more at home to help and support you

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